Learning to Live With It
by Su Freund
Summary: Months after an acrimonious and heartbreaking split with Sam, Jack is surprised when she calls asking for his help
1. Chapter 1

Title: Learning to Live With It

Author: Su Freund

Email: See bio

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure

Content Level: Age 13+

Content Warnings: Major Character Death

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: General S9 spoilers

Summary: Months after an acrimonious and heartbreaking split with Sam, Jack is surprised when she calls asking for his help.

Sequel/Series Info: None

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2005 Su Freund

File Size: 43 KB

Archive: My site, Jackfic, SJD yes, Gateworld, FanFiction Net

Art Credit: Many thanks to grooni for permission to use her truly wonderful and sexy photo manipulation of Jack for the book cover, which you really should go and drool at on my website. The book cover illustrates the fic and her original artwork can be found in the Various Creator's Art Gallery.

Author's Note: Thanks to Bonnie for beta reading this fic and for her every helpful suggestions.

**Learning to Live With It **

Jack got quite a surprise, actually more of a shock, when she called him out of the blue asking for help. He hadn't seen her in months, let alone spoken to her. Managing to avoid her had been quite a neat trick to pull but he'd made excuses and visited the SGC or Area 51 only when he knew she wasn't there.

A while after she split up with Pete, Jack and Sam had dated a few times, until the day she had declared it would never work and dumped him. Jack had died a little that day, promising to stay friends when she asked even while knowing that it wouldn't be possible. He couldn't do it. He still loved her even if it was unrequited. Sam had been intelligent enough to realise her own error but, to him, it was never an error. He'd been happy, but she had crushed him and he hadn't even seen it coming. Heartbroken, he still hadn't recovered and believed it would take a long, long time.

The prize had been within his grasp and he'd screwed it up. Jack knew he should have guessed it would happen, but he hadn't, and was totally unprepared. Now she was asking for his help and, despite the heartache, he couldn't refuse. He couldn't ignore her tone of voice; it spoke of fear. She was scared of something and that scared the hell out of Jack O'Neill.

He well remembered his promise that he would always be there for her and Jack kept his promises, no matter what. The pain in the pit of his stomach would not stop him from doing the right and honorable thing.

A little anxiously he made his way towards the parking lot where he'd agreed to meet her. As she had asked, he'd told no one. The closer he got the more his anxiety grew. Jack realised that part of it was simply because he was meeting her again after all these months, while he also found the nature of their meeting fundamentally disturbing. It was so Deep Throat – a parking lot, for crying out loud! Something was very, very wrong.

As he drew into the lot, his gut curled up, neck itching as it frequently did when he was on high alert for danger. Way, way wrong. Definitely something rotten in the state of Denmark, as the Bard would say.

Sam had more or less told him that she believed someone was trying to kill her. Clearly there was something really important going on that he didn't know about. He was a little pissed that there was something major happening about which he was unaware. Nothing major should happen at the SGC or Area 51 that escaped General Jack O'Neill's attention.

Had he taken his eye off the ball because of his feelings for Sam? That notion worried him because he had never let her get in the way of his job before and now was so not the time to start. Had he been neglecting his duties for all these months or was this a recent lapse? He hoped he'd find out once they had spoken. Although he was dreading their encounter, he needed to know.

Idly he wondered whether she had called him as Jack or as General O'Neill. It made a difference to him, to how he reacted and how he felt. He wanted to believe that it was Jack she needed because if it was, it gave him a slight thrill that she had called him to come to her aid. It meant she still trusted him and, at least in that respect, had kept the faith. Otherwise, it might mean nothing personal at all.

As he waited he was alert to every movement, every shadow. He didn't like surprises, not when there were lives at risk. He got out of the car, taking his Baretta out of the glove compartment and sticking it into the back of his pants. Be prepared.

Jack had tried not thinking about her, or their short-lived relationship, if you could call it that, but this had proved close to impossible. Nearly everything he did reminded him of her, and he seemed to see her everywhere. Just how many women were there with short blonde hair and a similar figure? It was a question he'd asked many times, and cursed to himself when he looked closer and the woman was nothing like Sam. Of course not; there was only one Samantha Carter. She was unique and they'd broken the mould after they created her.

He had to settle for trying to desensitise himself and, although that was almost impossible too, sometimes it worked. Her call, however, made him ruminate about what had happened.

When he found out she'd called off her wedding to Pete he had raised an internal cheer, but worried it had everything to do with her father's death and nothing to do with her feelings for either Pete or him. One night a few weeks later, he bumped into her getting into the elevator to go topside and in a moment of madness asked if she wanted to go for a drink, pleasantly surprised that she accepted.

It had been a slightly awkward evening, filled with some long silences, but not so bad, and when they left he took a chance and kissed her. She seemed okay with that, so he asked her out on a proper date. They had barely been getting started when she pulled the plug.

Looking back he wondered if he'd moved too fast, after Jacob's death, after Pete, even simply by kissing her that night, but it seemed the right thing to do at the time. He kept looking for a reason for their failure; a fruitless search.

He had never known her reasons for their break up because she hadn't explained them to him. A simple "we can't do this anymore" had been it, more or less. Those simple words had sent him into turmoil, and triggered a deep and abiding pain. He had been too stunned to question it and she hadn't offered to answer his unspoken question: why?

After that it had become way too difficult and painful to see her, or even talk. He just tried to forget and get on with his life, neither of which he had managed to do. Perhaps he was saddened more by the fact that he felt he'd never really known her than the break up itself. He tried not to examine his feelings too closely, bundling them up into a box that he hid in the deepest recesses of the cellar in his mind.

Of course, the box would not behave as he wished, its contents spilling out on way too many occasions for his liking, but he seemed unable to keep it all locked up tight like he had so many other things. Many times he had cursed himself for his weakness, feeling pretty pathetic, which only made him feel all the worse. In the end he was unable to distinguish one feeling from another or keep his thoughts coherent.

Only at work could he play the game of being General Jack O'Neill, so he threw himself into work with a vengeance. Hateful though some of his duties were, he tried to savour each and every one of them, concentrating his mind on the here and now rather than the things that had or might have been. To some extent this ploy worked, but when he was alone at night he was vulnerable to the dark chasm in his soul.

So he decided to throw himself into a social whirl with other Armed Forces personnel. That way he was safe; he could think of it as an extension of his work. There were various clubs to join and social gatherings, and it seemed he made new friends. People were slightly puzzled that he was apparently strictly hands off with the women folk, despite many pretty obvious offers. He laughed, joked and flirted outrageously, but nothing ever came of it. It was never questioned too closely, just the subject of chit-chat and gossip every now and then.

For all intents and purposes it appeared to onlookers that Jack O'Neill was leading a perfectly normal, healthy life and was a life and soul of the party kind of guy. Nothing could have been further from the truth, but he played the game well and fooled them all. The only person he couldn't fool was himself, and if he had maintained contact with his close friends, he wouldn't have fooled them either. This was one of the reasons he didn't. The people he mixed with didn't know Jack O'Neill any better and he preferred it that way. His secrets were safe.

As her old Volvo pulled into the parking lot he stopped slouching and stood up straight and proud. That he was dreading this moment so badly did not mean that he couldn't behave like a professional. He swallowed his fear, so not wanting to make an ass of himself. She probably thought he was ass enough already. This was important and he was a General in the US Air force, dammit, so he could do it.

Steeling himself to be businesslike, he buried his personal feelings, but knew that this meeting would only serve to make his heart grow increasing bitter, and the pain would sharpen. He would have to go through the whole trying to get over her thing again. That had been way too hard the last time he saw her and it hadn't worked. He wasn't over her and he probably never would be, but her absence from his life helped.

Once he saw her, heard her voice, he would be lost: fallen overboard and struggling to find a lifejacket. Why now? Why couldn't she have left him alone? If she was contacting him for help after everything that happened she must be desperate. That was all the more reason to be concerned.

Starting to walk towards the car, he saw her blonde mop of hair and drew a breath. Her hand reached to do something, probably merely switch off the engine, and it happened. He was knocked off his feet by a huge explosion.

"Carter!" he screamed.

The car was a bright fireball, and there was no way in hell he would get near it: there was no way she could have survived the inferno; no way he could save her. Jack was helpless.

Stunned, he watched in silence for a long while, trying hard to suppress the tears welling up in his eyes. Eventually he pulled himself together for long enough to call 911, the Pentagon and the SGC.

Dead, she was dead! My god! He could hardly believe this had happened. Although he should probably hate her, he loved her – truly, madly and deeply – and now he had lost her forever. The notion of a world without Sam in it caused a searing pain, a gaping hole, such a blackness that he might never see light again. He crouched on the floor feeling sick and almost numb with shock and grief, waiting for someone to arrive and pull him out of the bleak desolation in his heart and soul.

Then, determinedly, he slowly scrunched it up into a little ball, drawing it into himself. It would come back to haunt him, this he knew, but for now he forced himself into full General Jack O'Neill mode, schooling his features into a well practiced lack of expression. Only someone who knew Jack would guess how he was feeling. She would have guessed.

Now he had to find out why? Who had done this? Who had taken her away from this world forever, and made it such a dark and forbidding place? This was no accident, he was pretty sure of that. The whole thing stank of a bomb. On the phone, she had told him someone was trying to kill her. It seemed they had succeeded. Jack would avenge her; he made himself that promise and would be implacable while keeping it.

After that everything passed by with Jack in an increasingly withdrawn haze. The paramedics dealt with his relatively minor injuries, simple cuts and abrasions from the blast. They said he was lucky he hadn't been closer to it. They didn't have to tell him that, although he wasn't sure that luck had anything to do with it and almost wished he had been caught up in the full blast.

If he could find her killers, avenge her, then he could let go at last; he wouldn't care about anything very much anymore. It was this thought that maintained his ability to function, otherwise he might have shut down almost altogether.

The whole rigmarole with police and authorities took a long time and all the while he was bleeding inside from the pain inflicted by her death and finding it increasingly hard to keep his composure. Shock was well and truly setting in.

At some point he couldn't remember, Daniel and Teal'c appeared. Both men were plainly upset, but Daniel figured that what they were feeling was enhanced within Jack tenfold. He knew his old friend, that he still had deep feelings for the woman he had so obviously grown to admire and love increasingly deeply over those many years they worked together.

Daniel never had been able to figure out why the pair had parted. Neither of them ever talked about that. It was taboo. He had tried to talk about it to both of them at various points after their break up, but they declined. Jack withdrew altogether, virtually eschewing his friendship with both Daniel and Teal'c and becoming almost 100 business in any dealings with them.

Although Daniel realised that, for Jack, that contact was probably too painful in the circumstances, the knowledge did nothing to stop the pain he felt at the loss of the man who had seemed like a lifelong friend. He knew that Teal'c felt similarly. These two men, at least, had managed to talk about it and it had served to bind them even closer together.

By the time Jack had finished with all the questions, he felt almost totally numb and Daniel and Teal'c bundled him in a car and took him home. Jack had never sold the house in Colorado Springs. It represented the best and the worst of his life and he could afford to keep it along with his apartment in Washington, so he did.

He realised this was almost entirely sentimental and had surprised himself with that. He'd moved around a lot over the years; it came with the job. However, when he picked up the pen to sign the papers on the sale he'd been unable to bring himself to do it. It caused an almighty stink but he didn't care, leaving his lawyers to cope with the flak. He barely used the place and cursed himself as a fool, but still had been able to bring himself to part with it.

Knowing that this meant he had never been able to let go of the SGC did not make him feel any better about it. In fact, it made him feel a good deal worse. His posting in Washington sometimes felt like a nightmare from which he would awaken at any moment; not so much the job, although that too sometimes, but the place, the politics, the back stabbing, the negotiation, and the bureaucracy. There was a long list of negatives but he had nothing else in his life so made the best of it, not yet ready to give up and become a lonely bitter old man, to withdraw from life altogether. He would never feel at home in DC. Colorado Springs, Minnesota, these were his homes, the places that held his heart.

Sometimes he rented the place out for a few weeks to people in the forces who temporarily needed somewhere to stay in the area. One of his staff volunteered to sort that kind of thing out for him, and he was grateful. Jack suspected that the not entirely unattractive Lt. Barbara Moore had an ulterior motive and, if it wasn't for the regs, he'd be in trouble. The regs kept her away from him, and for once he was grateful to them.

He simply wasn't interested, not in her, not in anyone. His heart and soul were still red raw from his failure with Sam. And now? Sam was gone forever and his heart was even more red, raw - and broken - than it ever had been.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Learning to Live With It Part 2

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: See bio

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure

Content Level: Age 13+

Content Warnings: Minor use of mild language

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: General S9 spoilers

Summary: After Sam's death, Daniel and Teal'c try to console a distraught Jack

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Learning to Live With It Part 1

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2005 Su Freund

Art Credit: Fulinn28 made a nice little book cover to illustrate this chapter from a cap of Jack and Daniel, which can be viewed on my website at the above address. Thanks Bonnie!

Author's Note: Many thanks to Bonnie for beta reading this fic and correcting my dumb errors and making useful suggestions

**Learning to Live With It Part 2**

Once at Jack's, the three friends sat in virtual silence, stunned by the events. Daniel was worried about Jack. He looked like shit. They were all in mourning, all badly shaken and affected by her death, but none more so than Jack. Daniel had seen Jack deal with death before, but had never encountered this reaction.

"I need to find out why she's dead." Jack declared out of the blue, "I need to get my hands on the bastards who killed her!"

Daniel considered that an angry Jack could be pretty dangerous, but an angry Jack was better than the numb shell they had brought home.

"I believe we would all wish to do that, O'Neill," Teal'c agreed.

"Did she talk to either of you two about anything that might help?"

Both men shook their heads sadly.

"What did she tell you Jack?" Daniel asked.

"It was something to do with Area 51. She didn't say. All she did was call to ask for my help. She told me her life was in danger. I took that seriously. It's not like we haven't had trouble in the past. Seems like I was right to take it seriously."

"The Trust?"

"Possibly. Or some other crackpot organization. Man are they gonna regret this!"

Daniel believed that. If he had to, Jack would spend the rest of his life destroying whoever was responsible.

"She's dead, and it's all my fault," said Jack bitterly.

"It's not your fault, Jack. How could it be? No one blames you," Daniel responded.

"I blame me!" Jack exclaimed. "If I had kept my eye on the ball. Area 51 is my responsibility. If I had got to her sooner. If I'd insisted she come round here. If I could have saved her…"

"Jack, that's way too many ifs!"

"I should have been able to save her Daniel."

Jack got up, walking out of the room, and Daniel and Teal'c exchanged looks.

"Should one of us follow him, Daniel Jackson?"

"You know Jack. He probably wants to try to deal with this alone, just like he tried to deal with their break up alone."

"But it appears he did not deal with their break up."

"No, I don't think he ever did."

"Should we leave?"

"Well, I'm staying right here, for now. How about you?"

"I concur."

"Teal'c, what are we gonna do without her?"

"I know not."

"Is it just me or does the world seem like a different place right now?"

"It is not merely you."

"God, I'm not sure how I'm gonna deal with this myself, let alone how I can help Jack through it."

"Perhaps we all need each other?"

"Yeah, I think we probably do old friend."

As the two friends talked about Sam, trying to provide mutual comfort, Jack had curled up in a little ball on his bed, thinking, or not. He was trying to keep his mind blank but that wasn't possible. All the 'what if' scenarios kept running through his head; the what ifs about their relationship and the what ifs about her death.

He wanted to be left alone in his misery but knew Daniel and Teal'c would not comply, so all he could do was walk away and makes himself as alone as possible. Jack recognised he should be grateful to his friends. They would be pretty upset themselves, still suffering from the shock of it like he was, but they wanted to be there for him. Yes, he should be grateful, but he wasn't.

He wanted peace, he wanted to die, but not before he had avenged her. Then he could have both. He would welcome it. He wanted to scream aloud and for a long time, sob his broken heart out and to smash everything in the house, but he did none of those things. Instead, he lay in silent misery, turning in on himself.

After about an hour, Daniel wandered in, poking his head round the door to see if Jack was awake. Of course he was awake. Right now he wasn't sure he'd ever sleep again.

"Daniel, I need to be alone," he said before his friend could speak.

"I don't think so Jack."

"Scared I'll do something stupid?"

"Yeah, although I think you might wait until you get to the bottom of what happened."

"You can guarantee I'm gonna be doing that!" Jack answered empathically.

"I don't know how much I trust you on this, Jack. I know what you're capable of."

Jack unwrapped himself from his cocoon, stretching out on the bed and looking at Daniel.

"So I haven't a hope in hell of getting rid of you, right?"

"Right. Teal'c said we need each other now, and he's right. We are all going to miss her. Something this dumb should never have happened. She deserved better. She deserved to live to a ripe old age with kids and grandkids around her. She deserved some happiness."

"She wasn't happy?"

"I don't think so. Not without you around, Jack."

"Bullshit!"

"I don't think so. No matter what you believe, no matter what happened between you, she loved you Jack. Always had, always would."

"That's crap. I don't want to talk about that."

"Maybe if you did, it would help."

"Psyche 101 again Daniel? You always were persistent, I'll give you that."

"We all loved her, but you most of all."

"But she never felt the same."

"I think you're wrong."

Jack turned to silence once again, not able to travel that road.

"Do you think any of us can imagine a world without her in it?" Daniel asked after a while.

"Daniel I don't want to talk about it. Give it up."

"But I do want to talk about it! I need t-to… awww crap, Jack, I'm heartbroken too!"

Daniel flopped onto the end of the bed, putting his head in his hands and Jack realised, with horror, that his friend was sobbing.

"Daniel?" he probed gently, "God, Daniel, please don't do that."

"Why the hell not? Because I'm a guy and guys shouldn't? I told you, I loved her too. And you won't even talk about it. You're my best friend. Who else should I talk to?"

"Best friend?" The statement caught Jack off guard.

"Pathetic, huh?"

"Pretty much, if you have to rely on someone as anally retentive as me to be your best friend!" Jack's tone held a self deprecating but humorous tone and Daniel smiled.

"You, Teal'c, Sam… all my best friends."

"Oh, man… Daniel!"

"You're a crap best friend, do you know that?"

"It seems very likely. You could have chosen better."

"It's not really as if I chose anything. It just happened. Jeez, Jack, I've hardly seen you for months because you tried to force me to choose between you and Sam."

"I did not!"

"You did. Never in so many words, but you did."

"So you chose Sam."

"Not really. You think I could have made that choice, or even wanted to? You made the choice Jack. You withdrew. I've missed you, dammit. It sounds unlikely, I know, but I have."

Jack was more than surprised by Daniel's words and thought about it for a while before he answered. Daniel was right; he had withdrawn. He must have been a living hell for the dogged Daniel to give up on him.

"I-I'm sorry. I guess I never realised I was doing that. I'm sorry."

Once again, Daniel was surprised. Jack rarely apologised for anything even when he knew he was wrong. Obviously Sam's death had affected him way more than even he realised. Some of Jack's behaviour was a touch out of character. If he was surprised by the words, he was shocked by Jack's actions when his friend pulled him into a bear hug.

It wasn't the first time it had happened, and it was generally a gesture of comfort, although sometimes of joy, but it was a very rare thing. He wondered whether Jack was getting in touch with the inner Jack as a result of Sam. That seemed pretty laughable and so unlike Jack, nonetheless, might provide a partially logical explanation.

After a while Jack disentangled himself from the comforting embrace. He wasn't sure he was very ready for comfort, although his friend Daniel obviously was. They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes until Daniel spoke again. He wasn't ready to let this go, to let Jack go.

"I know you're not a wearing your heart on your sleeve kind of a guy, Jack, but I guess I am."

"Maybe that's what went wrong," Daniel heard Jack say under his breath.

"What went wrong? With what? You and Sam? Don't you know?"

"No. We never discussed it."

"Christ!"

"Guess I'll never know now."

"That must be tearing you apart."

"Ya think?"

"Jack, I'm so sorry, I wish I'd known."

"It wouldn't have made any difference, would it?"

"Maybe I wouldn't have let you push me out of your life so easily."

"I shouldn't have shut you out."

"You would never have let me in."

"But that didn't mean I had to cut you out. It was bad enough that almost everything I did reminded me of her, Daniel. Y-you…"

"I wish you hadn't cut me off, Jack, but I do understand."

"I cut Teal'c off too. Any idea what he thinks about it?"

"You could ask him."

"Ask him?"

"What, is that too hard for you, Jack?"

"Probably." Jack's chuckle had a slightly bitter tone. "Talking of T, the poor guy's sitting on his own. Don't you think we ought to join him?"

"Sounds like a plan."

Daniel would have liked nothing better than to continue their conversation, but Jack was right about Teal'c. Besides, it was likely that Jack thought the situation an excellent excuse to pause their conversation, if not stop it altogether. He had already revealed way more than he might normally, but these were not normal times.

"Are you gonna make it Jack?" Daniel asked as they were leaving the room, gravely concerned for his friend.

"I don't know Daniel. It's too early to say. But I do know that, despite everything, she would have wanted me to. That helps a little."

Jack said it to comfort his friend, with no real belief that he would make it – not this time – but Daniel took it at face value, nodding and giving him a brief smile, and they re-joined Teal'c, all three men trying to appear as if they were coping with her loss.

There was along, hard road ahead for all of them, and none of them could see the end of it.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Learning to Live With It Part 3

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: See bio

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure

Content Level: Age 13+

Content Warnings: Minor use of mild language

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: General S9 spoilers

Summary: In his quest to find Sam's killer, Jack seeks help from an old friend

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Learning to Live With It Part 2

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2005 Su Freund

Art Credit: A gorgeous cap of Jack, made into a book cover by Fulinn28, illustrates this fic on my site at the above address. Thanks Fulinn!

Author's Note: Thanks To Bonnie for her invaluable help in beta reading this fic

**Learning to Live With It Part 3**

Next morning was a terrible dawning for the three men. Jack and Daniel had dosed fitfully and Teal'c had only managed to get through it by Kel'no'reem, rather than the sleep he actually required these days.

Jack woke in shock to the feel of an arm around him, and looked to see that Daniel slept by his side.

"Daniel, what the hell do you think you're doin'?"

The sleeping Daniel woke abruptly.

"W-what?"

"Get your arm off of me for crying out loud!"

"Whoops, sorry."

"What the hell are you doing asleep on my bed?"

"I heard you cry out from a nightmare, came to see if you were okay and… I guess I just fell asleep. Don't you remember?"

"Unfortunately, I remember too much. Way too much," Jack replied sadly. "Sam's gone and we can't bring her back."

"I know Jack…"

"Is everything alright?" Teal'c interrupted from the doorway, "I heard loud voices."

"You'd scream too if you woke up to find Daniel with his arm around you," Jack quipped, sarcastically, and Teal'c smiled slightly.

"Indeed," he agreed.

"Gee, thanks guys. I didn't do it on purpose. You aren't my type, Jack."

"I'm real happy to hear that, Daniel. Okay, time to make coffee and plans, don't you think?"

"Plans?"

"To find out who killed Sam, and why."

Daniel shuddered at the dark look in Jack's eyes as he spoke. Making an enemy of Jack was so not a good idea and anyone who thought it was needed to be locked up for their own safety. He knew that, come what may, Jack would get his answers because he wouldn't rest until he did, and wondered what fate Jack had in mind for the perpetrators.

He figured Jack had no intention of bringing those people to the kind of justice recognised by the US government. He wanted retribution, to be an angel of death. It was a scary thought and one Daniel would endlessly debate the morals of inside his head, but there is no way in hell he would be able to stop Jack doing what he intended, and he wasn't sure he would even try.

"I'll make coffee while you plan, Jack," Daniel offered, "we should all stick to what we're good at, don't you think?"

That raised a smile from Jack and they all wandered through to the kitchen.

"Breakfast?" Daniel asked.

"I don't want to eat anything, but you two go ahead. Not sure there's enough food in the house to meet the appetite of our Jaffa friend here, though."

"You ought to eat something Jack," Daniel responded with a frown.

"Daniel, you are not my mother. She's been dead for a very long time, so cut it out."

"Okay. No need to bite my head off. You want Daniel Jackson's head on toast for breakfast, feel free to take it!" Daniel responded, leaning his head towards Jack like a willing sacrifice and eliciting a small smile from his friend.

"Sheesh, I'm sorry Daniel but I can't handle all the fuss."

"Okay, I'll back off until you're emaciated and then I'll worry."

"Thank you. Now leave a guy alone to think for a few minutes."

Silence reigned while Daniel made coffee, and breakfast for Teal'c and himself. The two friends munched their way through heaps of toast and waffles and the smell made Jack want to throw up the contents of his roiling stomach but he managed to restrain himself.

"First things first, I'd better tell them not to expect me at work for a few days. Let's hope I can pull that little minor miracle off. Then we need to get hold of everything we can on operations in Area 51 so we can try to figure what's been going on. Problem is, the only two people I trust are in this room. I don't want anyone to know that we're looking into this. Not yet."

"Not even the CO at Area 51?" Daniel asked.

"For all I know he's the guy who killed Sam."

"Okay, fair enough. So how do we get access from here?"

"Good point. We can't bring physical files here. Too many, too bulky, too suspicious. We need to hack into the computer."

"None of us have this expertise, O'Neill," Teal'c said, dismayed.

"I know. Only Sam could have done it."

"That means we have to bring someone in, Jack. Who do we trust that can do it?"

"I know just the guy. First I'd better call work, then I'll call him. What about you two?"

"What guy?"

"Later. What about you two? Don't you think you need to call into the SGC?"

They were all saved the need of worrying about work when there was a knock at Jack's door and it turned out to be General Hammond, retired. He looked shaken and concerned.

"Jack, I know you probably want to be alone, but I had to come."

"You're always welcome here George."

"I'm so sorry about Sam."

"We all are."

"Any idea what happened?"

"Not yet, but I sure would like to take a peek at the crime scene reports and autopsy when they're done. Come in George."

"Daniel, Teal'c, it's been a while. It's good to see you both. A great pity about the circumstances, though."

He warmly shook the hand of each of the men, and gratefully accepted a cup of coffee. For a short while they talked about inconsequential things until Hammond brought them back to recent events.

"I'm betting I can get hold of those reports you mentioned, Jack. If there is anything I can do, anything at all, you know you only have to ask."

"Any hope of clearing us all a few days off, George?" Jack said jokingly.

"Well, I might be retired but I'm confident I can swing it." Jack arched his eyebrows not having expected that reaction, "I still hold some influence with a few people, Jack." Hammond chuckled, "Wish I was in a position to grant it myself. I'll sort something out. Are you looking into this mess?" The three conspirators exchanged looks, "I see that you are. I should advise you to leave it to the officials investigators, but I won't waste my breath. Besides, I have more faith in you three than any of them."

Jack grinned and nodded at the compliment. It was good to have Hammond on their side. He didn't stay long, not wishing to outlast his welcome at such a time.

"If you think of anything else I can do to help, call me Jack. As I said, anything at all. I want to know what happened, and who is responsible, just as much as you do. Such a waste of a good person," he sighed, shaking his head sadly. "I know how hard this must be for you, son. Don't think I don't know how you felt about her, and probably still do. My feelings for her weren't exactly regulation either. I guess I always thought of her more like a daughter than a subordinate. It seems unlikely knowing you, but if you ever need to talk I'm available to you 24/7."

Jack was touched by his ex-CO's concern and offer of friendship.

"Thank you, sir," he said with all the deference he felt for Hammond, "T-that's very… If I think of anything I'll be in touch, George. Hell, I'll be in touch anyway."

"That would be good, Jack."

George Hammond had harboured fatherly feelings towards Jack O'Neill for years. He had a great deal of respect and affection for the man, despite their many ups and downs. Sometimes Jack had been trickier to handle than an eel, but he was well worth the effort. He had disobeyed orders all too regularly, but almost always to uphold his own principles, values and beliefs, which were of a high standard. Hammond might have done the same things in his position and had never been beyond bending a few rules when necessary.

Not only that, but O'Neill was a bone fide hero and had saved the butts of the people who populated planet Earth many times, as well as Hammond's own on occasion. He owed him big time. The SGC would never have been the same place without Jack. He'd been both a pain and a joy, but most of all, it had been an honor.

They shook hands and Hammond grasped Jack's one between his two.

"Take care of yourself, son. Try not to do anything too hasty."

"Can't imagine what you mean, sir."

Jack smiled and it was obvious to George that he knew exactly what he meant. The look in Jack's eyes was terrifying and would have made a lesser man than Hammond quake in his boots. The look belied the smile by a considerable distance.

"Just be careful Jack. And call me."

"Yes, sir."

"Next time, cut out the sir. I'm retired."

Less than half an hour later, Hammond called to say they all had the following week as downtime and Jack was open mouthed at how quickly he'd arranged it. He had to admit that he would go AWOL to sort out the mess if necessary, now it didn't seem to be.

Before Hammond called, Jack made a very private and personal call of his own, and one of the most difficult he had ever made in his life. Both Daniel and Teal'c were curious as to what he planned, but neither felt inclined to question him. He seemed to be possessed by a demon and if that was what kept him going then so be it.

About an hour later their guest arrived, waltzing through the door bold as brass and as if he owned the place. Both Daniel and Teal'c were stunned by the apparition that appeared before them.

"For crying out loud, Jack, haven't you learned to lock your door yet? I could have been anyone. I thought this was all hush, hush."

It was Jon O'Neill, looking dishevelled and carrying a large bag, which he dumped in the middle of the living room floor.

"Jon, how are ya?" Jack asked, reaching to take his hand and then changing his mind and pulling him into a bear hug. Daniel thought it was a little odd to watch the real thing hugging his younger clone.

"I'm so sorry, man," Jon said. "I guess I'm feeling a bit shocked, and emotional."

"Yeah? Go figure. Me too," Jack replied.

"I'm glad you called, even if we haven't seen each other for a while. I'm glad I know, and I want to get the bastards as much as you do. So, I guess we ought to get down to business, although I could do with some coffee," he eyed Daniel.

"Um… Jack, are you going to explain?" Daniel said recovering from his initial surprise.

"Oh, great to see you guys too," answered Jon sarcastically.

"I-I'm sorry, but I'm a little confused." Daniel responded.

"You want a hacker? Well here I am," Jon bowed. "round of applause later, please."

"Y-you?" stammered Daniel.

"You might say I learned a few tricks that Jack doesn't know since last me met."

Daniel wondered how dangerous that made this young man who stood before them: Jack O'Neill and then some. Holy cow!

"Jon's an expert in that area." Jack said

"How did you know?"

"Let's just say I helped him out of a little trouble a while back."

"For which I am truly grateful, Jack, otherwise I might have been rotting in jail instead of being available to help you."

"Just don't ask, Daniel, alright?" Jack said hastily.

"Sure thing, Jack."

Jon had been caught hacking into a very secret government installation's network a few months before and Jack had managed to pull some strings. If he got caught this time there was probably going to be nothing Jack could do to help him, and Jon knew it, but he was willing to take the chance. He had no intention of getting caught.

"I think I mentioned coffee?" Jon said, looking at Daniel again, "And you are so good at making it, Daniel."

"Alright, already, I'll go make some."

"Good, that gives me a chance to set things up."

"Laptop's right here, ready to go," Jack pointed.

"That crock of shit? You're kidding, right? It's okay, Jack. You never did appreciate the finer arts of information technology. I brought my own equipment, just give me some space."

Jack cleared the table and watched Jon work with some fascination. His equipment was state of the art, and then some things that Jack had no idea what they were. He felt proud of the boy; of himself.

'Amazing what you could accomplish if you set your mind to it, Jack. What you have accomplished,' he thought. 'never knew I had it in me.'

"Okay, you need to tell me exactly what you want me to do," Jon said when he had set everything up.

All Jack had told him on the phone was that Sam was dead, suspected murdered, how it had happened and that he required Jon's services. He had made no mention of Area 51.

"I need you to hack into the mainframe at Groom Lake."

"Groom Lake? Oh man, you don't want much do ya?"

"Can you do it?"

"Piece of cake!"

"Can you do it without being detected?"

"That's the hard part. But I think it might be possible. You can't do this through an official route?"

"What do you think?"

"Yeah, I know; hush, hush."

Daniel came in with coffee and they dived in.

"I'm not sure I can do this," declared Jon out of the blue.

"What?"

"Give me a break, Jack. Less than two hours ago I didn't even know Sam had been killed. Given any thought to how I might be feeling about it? I loved her too, you know." From his expression it was clear that Jack hadn't thought about that much. "Thanks for thinking of me," Jon added sarcastically.

"Okay, I admit I hadn't really considered all of that, but we haven't got any time for screwing around here." Jack felt foolish for not having considered young Jon's feelings. This was himself he was talking to. It couldn't be easy for him. Jack knew that better than anyone.

"Just let me think, okay. I haven't had any time to think. It's only just sinking in. I need to go for a walk and clear my head."

Although impatient to get cracking, Jack suddenly understood what the poor guy must be going through. For Jon, today was like yesterday had been for Jack.

"Sure Jon, whatever you say."

Jon walked out looking depressed and Daniel looked aghast at Jack.

"You're just going to let him go off on his own?" he said.

"Why not? I wanted to be, but you guys simply wouldn't let me. He'll be back."

The one person Jack knew for certain would never let him down right now was himself and as Jon, for all intents and purposes, was him, he was fairly confident of that.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Learning to Live With It Part 4

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: See bio

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure

Content Level: Age 13+

Content Warnings: Minor use of mild language

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: General S9 spoilers

Summary: Jack and Jon discuss a painful subject and, after a run in with the police, the devastated and angry Jack lashes out at a friend

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Learning to Live With It Part 3

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2005 Su Freund

Art credit: Thanks to Fulinn28, who made the lovely book cover that illustrates this fic on my site. I have a soft spot for Michael Welsh after his terrific performance as the cloned Jack O'Neill and couldn't resist the temptation to adorn a book cover with him. If you want to see it go visit my site at the address above.

Author's Note: Many thanks to Bonnie for beta reading this fic. I am always grateful for her wisdom.

**Learning to Live With It Part 4**

When Jon hadn't returned within a couple of hours, Daniel got worried and Jack said he'd go to find him.

"I know the kind of places he might go better than anybody," he said to explain his action, insisting that he go alone. He needed some peace too.

He found Jon at the park staring at the small lake and ducks.

"Jon? You okay?"

"What do you think?"

Jack sat down on the bench beside him.

"You've been carrying a torch for Sam all this time?" he asked.

"Come on Jack, maybe it's all faded a little with time and lack of contact, but it's still there. Something like that doesn't simply go away."

"No, I know. I'm sorry. I hadn't seen her for a while either."

"You hadn't? Aren't you working together anymore?"

"No, I'm in DC now. General O'Neill to you."

"General? I-you made General? Holy crap!"

"Kind of hard to imagine, isn't it?" Jack smiled ironically.

"Didn't you ever try to make a go of it with Sam?" Jon asked, curiously.

"Yeah, eventually. Probably left it too long."

"What happened?"

"She dumped me, if it's any of your business."

"What? Dumped you? What the heck did you do to her?"

"Nothing Jon, really. I don't know what happened. All I did was love her. I thought it was so simple, but it obviously wasn't."

"Oh man, I'm so sorry."

"Yeah, me too. But it's way more than too late now, isn't it? Now all I want to do is get the bastards who killed her. At least I can get some satisfaction from that."

"Right. I kind of like that idea. Let's go home and get down to business, huh?" Jon got up and started to walk towards Jack's with Jack in tow. "We can talk about your screw up later."

"Think you could have done better?"

"Maybe. Ever think you might have been too old for her?"

"It crossed my mind, but you were way too young for her, Jon."

"Yeah, I guess it would have been a disaster either way, huh?"

"You'll get your chances."

"You won't?"

"Not sure I want them."

"Given up, Jack? That's so not like m-you."

"It isn't the first time though, is it?"

After that, the pair fell silent until they reached Jack's house, both contemplating their pasts and their potential futures.

"Crap, cops!" Jack exclaimed as they approached and he noticed the unmarked car parked outside of his house. "Didn't they give me enough hassle yesterday?"

"It's a universally recognised truth that cops think they can never give you enough hassle, unless you actually want them for something, in which case they stay away in droves. Guess we'd better face the music."

"You mean I'd better face the music."

"Why are they hassling you? Do they suspect you?"

"I don't know, maybe. I'm a witness, Jon, I saw the car blow up with Sam in it."

Jon inwardly cringed at the notion and Jack swallowed the emotion that the memory stirred in him. He saw her blonde hair, her turning to do something, and the huge ball of flame as he watched from the floor of the lot in stunned amazement. Sam had burned up inside. He sincerely hoped it had been over quickly and she hadn't suffered.

"What?" Jon exclaimed, shocked, "You never said anything. Jeez! That can't have been a good thing," he sympathised.

"Ya think?"

The police went over and over his story again, seemingly sceptical of something, and he couldn't think of what it might be. They even had the temerity to ask if Jack had been in a relationship with her.

"A relationship?" he retorted, "We worked together in the same team for years, I was her CO, for crying out loud. Of course we had a relationship." His tone was sarcastic.

"We mean a sexual relationship, a romantic relationship, General O'Neill."

"Briefly. After I stopped being her CO. It didn't last. Satisfied?"

"When was that?"

"Am I a suspect?"

"This is just routine, sir."

"Have you got any suspects?"

"We can't tell you that, sir. We'd be grateful if you could answer the question."

"Which was?"

"When you had your relationship."

"Ah! Months ago, a year maybe, more."

"Did you part amicably?"

"You suspect I've had a grudge all this time and blew up her car for revenge, while I was just a few feet away? Give me a break."

"We come across some pretty strange stuff in this job sir."

"Yeah, I'll bet you do. I didn't kill her. She is the last person I would ever kill. I care about her… cared, cared."

Jack hung his head in his hands, feeling emotionally rung out. By the time they left he was drained, but trembling with anger.

"How dare they suspect it was me. As if I could do that to Sam, I could never hurt Sam!" he raved.

"We know that, Jack, but they don't. Cut them some slack. They're only doing their jobs," Daniel said, trying to placate him.

"Doing their jobs? Those two were Detective Tweedledumb and Sergeant Tweedledumber. They won't find out Jackshit. Christ!"

"Jack, calm down. You haven't eaten all day, have you? Maybe you need something to eat."

"Daniel, stop it! I told you before!"

Jack lashed out, hitting Daniel in the face, much to everyone's amazement. Teal'c got up and grabbed Jack by the arms.

"O'Neill, you must calm yourself. You have injured Daniel Jackson. This I cannot allow. I will be forced to restrain you."

"Isn't that what you're doing now, T?"

"Look, I hate to break up a party, but haven't we got some work to do?" Jon intervened, and they all turned to look at him. "Jack, go eat. You know how you get when your blood sugar is low. Cranky. I'll make a start. I don't need any of you looking over my shoulder, okay? And can one of you make me a sandwich?"

"I will go with O'Neill to the kitchen and make him eat. We will bring you a sandwich later, Jon O'Neill," Teal'c said, "Daniel Jackson, are you alright?"

"I'll be okay. Just get him away from me, Teal'c."

Daniel was pissed and feeling highly unappreciated. Did Jack believe he was the only one hurting? Selfish bastard! In the kitchen Jack sat sullenly as Teal'c started to make a sandwich.

"Eat, O'Neill," he demanded, placing one in front of him.

"Teal'c I don't…"

"I said, eat." Teal'c sat opposite him, looking menacing.

"Alright, already, I'll eat."

As he munched on the sandwich, Jack appraised Teal'c expression.

"Don't look at me as if I'm an idiot," he accused.

"Perhaps I look at you that way because you are one. You do injury to those who would help you and are your friends."

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that."

"It is not I you should apologise to."

Teal'c appraised his friend, who looked weary and upset. He thought he detected slightly watery eyes and this surprised him. O'Neill was not one given to crying.

"You would weep for her O'Neill?"

"Not really me, is it?" Jack managed to look a little sheepish.

"If you wish to, I would think no less of you my friend, but do not imagine that you are the only one of us affected by her loss."

"God, poor Daniel, I must go…"

"No, you must not. You must eat and give Daniel Jackson some time to calm down. He is angry with you, and for good reason."

"I know. you're right, I am an idiot."

"I am glad that we agree on something, O'Neill." A ghost of a smile appeared on Teal'c lips.

"Was that an attempt at wit, T?"

In response, Teal'c squeezed Jack's arm with affection.

"I have missed you, O'Neill."

"You have?"

"Indeed. And I will miss Samantha Carter greatly. She was a true warrior and friend." Teal'c looked a little sad.

"Yes, she was."

"We are all hurting, O'Neill, you must not forget that."

"You mean I'm being a selfish bastard."

"If that is how you wish to interpret it."

"You're right. I am. Sorry. I've been a selfish bastard for a whole year now, since Sam and I… no good going over that old ground."

"Indeed not. We must find her killer and I will strangle him with my bear hands."

"Not if I get to him first, T."

"I do believe that your retribution should take priority, O'Neill."

"Right now I just wanna make the son of a bitch suffer before he dies," Jack said with a vitriolic tone.

"That could indeed be most satisfactory."

Back in the living room, Jon was concentrating on trying to hack through to Area 51. It was a tough cookie, particularly when trying to do it undetected. That might not be possible, in which case this could be a very short ride.

"Isn't this all a little strange for you, Jon?" Daniel asked.

"Um… yes. Go figure!"

"Meeting us all again, particularly in these circumstances."

"I think I know all the things that are strange about it, Daniel. At the risk of sounding like Jack, can you just shut up so I can concentrate?"

"I'll go find out what's happening about sandwiches."

'Caught between the wrath of two Jack O'Neills,' Daniel thought, 'that's more than any man should be asked to do.'

He peered over to look in the kitchen and saw that Jack looked a lot calmer, so decided to risk it and wander though.

"Daniel! I'm so sorry Daniel," Jack said as he walked in.

"You are?"

"I didn't mean… it's been an emotional couple of days."

"I know. We're all pretty emotional Jack. This is Sam we're talking about."

"I know it's not easy for you either, Daniel."

"Good. I'm glad you know that. Let's all try to pull together to get this thing done, huh? Now, I came in to check on sandwiches."

"Screw sandwiches. I'll order lots of take out instead."

"Cool!"

By using various obscure back door routes, it took Jon a few hours to hack in safely. During that time, it was driving Jack nuts to be so helpless to act, so he called Hammond to see if there were any police reports he could lay his hands on yet. Hammond promised to try. Jack didn't know what else to do. They needed information before they could act.

"Eureka!" Jon cried.

"You've done it?" Jack asked.

"Wasn't easy, but I'm in and without anyone knowing, I think."

"You think?" Jack looked worried. He could just imagine the reaction in the Pentagon if he got caught hacking into a computer system, let alone the system of a base he was actually in charge of.

"I'm pretty confident they would never trace it back here, although this is the government of the United States we're talking about, anything is possible. So, now what?"

"We try to find out what's going on."

"But where do we start?"

"Okay, I figure it must be linked to someone playing with alien technology when they shouldn't." Jack suggested.

"Or stealing it. That's happened before." Daniel added.

"Yep, or stealing it."

"I concur," agreed Teal'c.

"So, we need to find discrepancies?" Jon asked. "Needles and haystacks come to mind."

"So let's get going."

"We don't even know for sure there's anything there." Jon responded. "Look, it's getting late and I've been working flat out for hours. I need a break. Best thing would be to come back to it in the morning."

"I'm not exactly a patient man, Jon, I'm surprised to find you are."

"I'm just being pragmatic. It could take a while to find anything so let's start afresh."

"If you come out of their network what happens?" Jack asked.

"Now I've hacked in once, I know what I'm doing. It won't take so long to hack in again."

"Okay, it sounds reasonable," Jack agreed, partly reluctant, but he was a pragmatist too, of course. "Leave your stuff here, and come back in the morning. Daniel and Teal'c can pick you up on their way over. In fact, I'm sure they can give you a lift home now, can't you Daniel?" he hinted heavily.

"We're not staying?" Daniel queried.

"I really could do with some peace around here. It's not that I'm not grateful, really, but I just need to be alone, in my own house. I need some space," Jack explained.

"Jack…"

"Please guys. If we aren't going to get any further with this tonight, just give me a break."

"Okay, if you insist. I just don't like the idea…"

"Daniel!"

"Okay!"

After they'd left Jack got himself a cold beer and flopped on his couch. He'd resisted drinking up until then in case some of his brain actually turned out to be in demand. All in all it hadn't seemed a productive day, but maybe that was because he hadn't done anything positive. He hadn't realised how long it could take to hack into a computer system and he wondered how Jon had the patience, figuring there must be something more thrilling about it than he imagined. Jack felt frustrated by his inactivity.

He downed a couple more beers and contemplated what tomorrow might bring, hoping it would bring some answers to his numerous questions. But some of those would never get answers. For that, he needed Sam, and she was gone.

Resisting the impulse to give into his emotions and sob his heart out, he dragged himself to bed longing to find peace in sleep for a while because, in his dreams, maybe, just maybe, she could live again.

TBC

Additional Authors Note, Christmas 2005: I'm taking a Christmas break, going away for a while, so there will be no updates to this fic until sometime in the New Year. You have been warned!


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Learning to Live With It Part 5

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: See bio

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure

Content Level: Age 13+

Content Warnings: Minor use of mild language

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: General S9 spoilers

Summary: An intruder awakes Jack in his bedroom

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Learning to Live With It Part 4

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2006 Su Freund

File Size: 45 KB

Archive: My site, Jackfic yes, SJD yes, Gateworld, FanFiction Net

Art Credit: A lovely book cover using a cap of Sam illustrates this fic on my site and was created by Fulinn28. Many thanks to her for that. If you want to see it please visit my site at the above address

Author's Note: As ever, thanks to Bonnie for beta reading this fic and making her as always useful suggestions and comments.

**Learning to Live With It Part 5**

He woke struggling to free himself, the hand of a mystery intruder over his mouth to keep him quiet. The intruder spoke.

"General. It's me!"

"Carter?" he mumbled into her hand.

She was alive? His heart leapt with joy, relief and many other emotions that made it beat erratically, and nervous butterflies fly around his stomach. Automatically, he pulled her into a tight hug, wanting so badly to kiss her, tell her how he felt, but she would not want that.

"You're alive!"

"Yes sir."

It was still sir this and General that. Would nothing ever change, despite what had happened, albeit briefly, between them? It made him cringe and he let go, turning to switch on the light so he could see her.

He had called her Carter, not Sam. Now he came to think of it, it was always thus. They never had found a way to break down those walls they'd built so carefully. The room they'd shut it all in had probably been locked for too long.

Recalling they had rarely called each other Sam or Jack, even when dating, it made him realise that this was probably one of the things that had torn them asunder. The revelation surprised him and he wondered why it had never occurred to him before.

He'd been so happy that she agreed to date him that maybe he blinded himself to how they never truly relaxed in each other's company. Looking back it was starkly apparent. Was this one of the reasons she had called it off? There had to be more to it than that. He wasn't good enough for her, it was as simple as that and always been.

She was probably bored rigid after the first time he ran out of quips to keep her amused. Sam was way brainier than he was. What had he been thinking? How could he have imagined he would keep her happy and interested in a dumb old has-been like him?

"Dammit, Sam," he determinedly used that name, promising himself he would try to keep it up, "I thought you were dead. I was there. I saw it. Your car… it… Christ!"

Despite his internal promise not to show his feelings they slipped out. He was desperately trying to fight the tears that welled up in his eyes. What an old fool he was, but she was alive! His joy, however, quickly turned to anger. That was an emotion Jack found he could handle way more easily.

"What are you playing at?" he pushed her away furiously, "Why the hell didn't you let anyone know? We've all been mourning for you! How could you hurt your friends and family like that? How could you not let us know?"

"Don't be angry, please. I'm lucky it wasn't me in the car. It was pretty unlucky for Pam Mathers. She was the friend I persuaded to come meet you to tell you where I was hiding out. Poor Pam. She died because of me. They thought it was me, Jack. I could have been dead, should be dead! Instead I have lost another friend. What an awful… a terrible waste!"

She started to cry then, all the pent up tension, trauma and sorrow rushing out to overwhelm her.

"C'mere," he said simply and pulled her back into his embrace, rocking her consolingly. He had always been good at that and Sam found it comforting.

"You need to tell me all about it Sam, but only when you're ready, okay?" he continued, his voice low and soothing, "It's okay, everything will be alright. I promise."

"You don't know what you're promising."

"It doesn't matter, I'm promising it anyway."

"You'll help me?"

"Of course I'll help you. I'll make it better, Sam. Anything. You know that. That's why you came isn't it?"

"Yes, that's why I came. And this. It feels good for you to hold me in your arms Jack." She felt him stiffen, the rocking stopped and he was motionless. "Please don't stop. I need you, Jack."

He held back a bitter and sarcastic retort. This wasn't the right time. Instead he was silent, starting to rock her again until her tears subsided. Once she pulled herself together she gently and reluctantly prized herself away.

"Can I have some coffee?" she sniffed, and Jack handed her a box of tissues.

"Yeahsureyabetchya. I'll get up… umm…" Remembering he was naked under the sheets he added, "see you in the kitchen, I need to get dressed."

"Sure."

While pulling his jeans on, Jack remembered their strange and short-lived experiment as a couple. He'd never even seen her naked, never made love to her. Jeez, he'd probably only kissed her about half a dozen times. Those walls again. Had that helped to tear them apart, his inability to communicate either verbally or physically with her like a normal adult? Maybe he wasn't a normal adult; maybe he never had been.

The thought was ironic given that he had just communicated volumes to her in the last 10 minutes. He'd given away far too much of his feelings and the dread he had felt as he waited in the parking lot was back with him.

Sam started to make coffee, thinking about how he'd held her in his arms. Almost as soon as he'd spoken to and touched her she realised he was still in love with her. Knowing how she had broken his heart, and how unforgiving he could be, she said nothing, merely accepting his relieved hug and returning it. She didn't believe he would ever forgive her for what she had done. It was probably pointless to explain, to confess she still loved him, had always loved him.

Maybe if she lived through all of this, if they could come through it together, maybe then... All she had needed was time. Would he ever understand that? Could she make him understand? What had seemed the right time for them had been totally wrong for her. Now they'd had this distance of months between them could things be any different? Could they knock down those self-imposed walls, get past having been CO and subordinate for so many years? She'd probably never know now, and Sam deeply regretted that. But what's done…

She recalled those bygone days with sorrow, having had no choice but to do what she had done. If she hadn't stopped it then, they would have fallen apart anyway. She hadn't been able to deal with it so soon after her father's death or her break up with Pete, or as close to Jack having been her immediate superior for so many years.

The adjustment had been too hard and wasn't working, despite her desire for it. If they hadn't broken up with so much rancour, if he had given her a chance to explain, maybe things could have been different now, when she was ready for it. However, she knew she'd been incapable of explaining to him back then and now that she was ready he probably would never listen.

She loathed herself for having let something slip through her fingers that she wanted so badly. The last few months had been lonely and introspective and her self absorption had made her see so many things she had been unable to see before. She got to know a lot more about what made the human being that was Samantha Carter, and for this she was grateful, but she had paid the highest price; she had lost him.

"You look tired, Sam," he commented as he entered the kitchen, "correction; exhausted. Maybe coffee isn't such a good idea and you should get some sleep. We can talk in the morning."

"I don't think even coffee would keep me awake if my head hit a pillow right now. I am exhausted. I could do with the company."

Jack could see a plea in her eyes and was unable to resist her lure, drawn to her as he was like a moth to a flame. He walked over and sat down, letting her finish making the coffee and accepting a mug. He said nothing, waiting for her to speak.

"I'm sorry I didn't contact you earlier. I didn't know… I had a problem getting here from Nevada; that's why I didn't come to meet you in the parking lot; that's why I lost a friend and I'm still alive. She came to tell you I couldn't make it, to tell you where I was. I only found out what happened when I got into the Springs. I saw the newspaper. Have you seen Daniel and Teal'c? Are they okay?"

"No. None of us are. You should have called."

"Jack, I didn't know to call. I didn't know anything. Might be best if I stay dead for a while. I don't know who to trust."

"But you trust me?"

"Of course I trust you."

He was dying to ask Sam what had happened to spark these tumultuous events, but refrained, believing that she should talk to him in her own time, giving her whatever space she might feel she needed.

"How have you been Jack?" she asked.

"Great, just great. You? Apart from the obvious?"

"Great too. Yeah, fine."

A long pregnant pause followed during which they both contemplated the lies they had just spoken. It wasn't often they had lied to each other, mainly by omission, so they both felt the guilt of the lies but neither knew the other was lying, although Sam guessed. Jack's feelings for her had tumbled out, but purely by accident. She knew he would not thank her for referring to them.

"Washington okay?" Sam continued.

"Washington's… well, its Washington, you know."

She smiled at him. In the past, Jack had made his feelings about Washington very clear. One side of his mouth turned up in response; a half smile.

"I know you've never been a fan of the place," she added.

"No, but I do what I have to. I get by."

"You never sold this place though, did you? Hoped you might come back?"

"There's no coming back, Sam, but sometimes it's too hard to say goodbye." His words held more than one meaning for both of them.

"Yeah, you spent a lot of good years here."

"Both good and bad."

"I guess."

"Your house breaking skills are still up to scratch I see. Nice to know there's always an alternative profession waiting for you," he joked, trying to appear light-hearted while, in reality, the weight of his feelings, of the chaotic thoughts running through his head, weighed heavily upon him.

"Sorry about that. Simply knocking on the door in the middle of the night seemed like it might draw attention."

"You figure a burglar draws less attention than a visitor?"

"When most folks are asleep, yes." She smiled, but he noticed it didn't reach her eyes.

"Have you eaten anything?" he asked, peering at her more closely. She seemed to have paled and turned slightly ashen.

"Not much, no."

"I'll get…"

"No, Jack. I think you're right; I need sleep. Now I'm here I feel safe. Maybe I can sleep."

Sam considered the truth of what she had said. Only now, with Jack, did she feel safe and able to relax. She loved that about him. She was home! The irony struck her with force; given how tense and awkward she'd felt in his company during that brief period when they were dating.

"Okay. Spare room, now." Once she got up he noticed how unsteady on her feet she was. "Car-Sam! Here, let me help you."

He put an arm around her, supporting much of her weight as she leaned against him, and took her to the bedroom, lowering her onto the bed and laying her down upon it.

"Sorry about the coffee, Jack," she mumbled, "sorry about everything."

He took off her shoes and covered her over, fully clothed, and when he looked at her face again, he realised she was already asleep. Sucking his bottom lip absently he pulled the armchair over towards the bed, sitting in it and watching her. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful. Leaning over, he briefly kissed her forehead, gently stroking her hair for a while.

Why did he have to torture himself like this? Although he knew what it was doing to him, he sat back down in the chair, taking her hand and resting it on his lap. Then he fell asleep too.

Sam woke a couple of hours later, shocked to realise that another hand held hers. Opening an eye she saw Jack and her horror turned to pleasure, but she knew she couldn't leave him to sleep like that. His back would be screwed. She got up, crouching in front of him.

"Jack," she said softly, stroking his face with her fingers, "Jack, wake up, you need to get to bed."

"Sam!" he started, "it wasn't a dream."

"No it wasn't a dream. Bed, Jack."

Sleepily, he got up, obeying her encouragement to lie on the bed. She lay down next to him and pulled the cover over them both.

"Sam, I don't think…"

"Shh, my darling, just sleep."

"My darling…?" he muttered, not wanting to wake up from this dream.

"Hush, I'm here. Sleep, Jack."

Lulled by her voice, he snuggled up closer, allowing her arms to enfold him, and returning the embrace. The pair were asleep again within a matter of minutes, the shared warmth and affection giving them both some peace.

TBC

Additional author's note: Now that you know she really is alive I can reveal that the plot bunny for this story was inspired by the MacGyver Season 1 episode "Flame's End". Apart from the means of "death" in an exploding car, and subsequent "resurrection" from the dead, however, this fic bears no other similarity to that storyline.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Learning to Live With It Part 6

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: See bio

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, romance

Content Level: Age 13+

Content Warnings: Minor use of mild language

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: General S9 spoilers

Summary: Reports of Sam's death have been greatly exaggerated

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Learning to Live With It Part 5

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2006 Su Freund

Art Credit: The great cap of Daniel and Teal'c used to illustrate this fic on my site was made into a book cover by fulinn28. Thanks my friend! If you want to take a look. It can be viewed on my site at the address above.

Author's Note: Thanks to Bonnie for reading this over for me and correcting my UK English slang!

**Learning to Live With It Part 6**

It wasn't until he woke with a start next morning to the sound of his cell phone ringing that he realised it wasn't a dream, it was very real. The phone also woke Sam, and Jack looked at her as if he couldn't quite believe he had slept in her arms, probably because he couldn't. He was out and off the bed so quickly she could hardly draw breath.

"O'Neill!" he barked into the phone, "this had better be good, you woke me!"

"Jack!"

"Daniel?"

"Jack, you are never going to believe what the autopsy came up with…"

"Calm down Daniel, take it slow will ya?"

"Jack! I'm too excited to take it slow. The woman in the car; she wasn't Sam."

"Okay Daniel, as I said, calm down. I know." He wondered how Daniel had got to hear that so quickly this morning.

"You what?"

"Is anyone there with you Daniel? Where are you? Don't trust anyone except T or Jon, okay."

"Right." What Jack had said was just beginning to sink in. "Um, how?"

"I could ask you the same question. Grab T and come over here ASAP. Don't forget to pick up Jon."

"Got it. Later!"

Daniel was not a master of subtlety but Jack thought he'd got the point.

"Daniel," Jack said, turning to Sam.

"I figured."

"Sam, what am I doing in here? Wh…?"

"We just slept in the same bed Jack. Nothing sinister, okay?"

Sam recognised those walls he surrounded himself with all too well. For a few separate moments the previous night he had let them down, and she had pressed home that advantage, but she thought any chance of getting him to demolish them again was probably gone forever. He was suddenly totally business like.

"Okay." He decided not to question it further, just to distance himself from her as quickly as possible, "I'll make coffee and maybe you'll drink it this time. And I'll make some breakfast. You need to eat. Daniel and T are coming here. You are okay with that aren't you?"

"Seems I haven't got much choice."

"Not really. Cat's out of the bag, Sam. They know it wasn't you in the car. You can't play dead anymore. You can play 'in hiding' but not dead."

"I guess it was going to happen sooner or later."

"So when they get here, I expect chapter and verse on what the hell's been going on, okay? We've been trying to find out. Jon hacked into the system at Groom Lake, but we haven't even started looking yet."

"Jon?"

"O'Neill."

"Jon O'Neill?" she stared at his open mouthed.

"What? It surprises you that someone with my brain actually uses it?"

"Jack I didn't mean…"

"Can it Sam. I already know you're way more intelligent than me."

Jack's face was a cold and impenetrable mask, making Sam shudder.

"Jack, don't do this."

"Do what?"

"Aw crap, forget it. Can I take a shower?"

"Sure. Towels are in the cupboard in the bathroom."

"Clothes?"

"Doubt you're going to find anything that remotely fits, but knock yourself out."

He left her to it, eager to get away. The memory of something he'd thought to be a dream was surfacing and making him feel way too vulnerable to be alone in the same room with her, particularly a bedroom. By the time she entered the kitchen he had recovered his equilibrium enough to feel safe in her presence, or as safe as he ever would in this current strange predicament.

She was wearing a pair of his jeans, bottoms rolled up and a belt tightened around her waist to keep them up, and one of his shirts. Both were way too big for her but, with her hair wet and tousled from the shower, she looked alluring and sexy. Jack made a supreme effort to tear his eyes away and appear nonchalant.

"Smells good. What is it?" she asked, mouth watering.

"French toast."

"French toast? I haven't had that for years. Yum."

"Easiest breakfast in the world. Do you want bacon? Maple syrup?"

"Mmm… yes please Jack. Both!"

He handed her a plate piled with crisp French toast and even crisper bacon, placing the maple syrup on the table so she could help herself, and sat down with a much smaller portion for him. She tucked in enthusiastically.

"Orange juice?" he asked as an afterthought.

"I'll get it."

"No. You're the guest. Eat, Sam. You need to eat."

He poured her juice and sat again, picking at his food and surreptitiously watching her wolf down hers. When she finished he pushed his own plate towards her.

"Want mine too? I'm really not very hungry."

"You should eat too."

"I'm holding out for Daniel and T buying donuts on the way over, or some other morsel of fun."

"Are you sure you don't want it? You make a mean French toast."

"Yeah, who says I can't cook? Eat Sam."

She was grinning appreciatively, whether from his efforts to keep their conversation light-hearted or because of the breakfast Jack wasn't sure, but it made him feel good to make her smile so wholeheartedly at a time of huge stress.

Having polished the whole thing off, she washed it down with more coffee and then sat back in the chair and heaved a satisfied sigh.

"That was very good."

"Enough?"

"You're kidding, right? I'll be lucky to move within the next half hour."

"Okay, so now let me ask you a question Sam, and I need the truth. When you broke into this house last night, whose house was it? General Jack O'Neill's, or just plain Jack's."

She stared at him for a moment wondering why the answer to this was so important to him. Truth? Right!

"Jack's. My very dear and old friend Jack's."

Jack nodded and Sam thought he looked a little pleased with that answer.

"Why? Why me?"

"Because I trust you with my life, Jack. I trust you to be here for me, to be my friend when I need one."

"What about Daniel? Or Teal'c?"

"Breaking into Cheyenne Mountain is such a bitch," she joked but he merely regarded her silently, "Seriously? Because they aren't you."

"Neat answer. Got 'em all down pat Sam?"

"I know I hurt you Jack and that makes you suspicious of me, but please don't. I need you. I need your help."

"Okay. I'll try to pretend you didn't dump me on my ass with no explanation, just until we get this sorted out. After that all bets are off."

"Jack I…"

"Don't. I don't want to hear it."

"No, you never did want to hear it, did you?"

Jack was slightly puzzled by her response but chose not to pursue it. He really did not want to talk about this, not right now, probably never. Sam bit back her irritation, recognising that he was still angry with her, and still hurting. She needed him on her side and couldn't afford to estrange him. Things were bad enough between them already.

The silence between them stretched and Jack was relieved to hear the knock on his door: Daniel, Teal'c and Jon.

"So what do you know that we don't and how?" Daniel said excitedly as he entered.

"Living room. Sit and be quiet," Jack responded quickly. Daniel glanced at him askance and then exchanged a look with Teal'c, but bowed to Jack's demand, "I'll get coffee in a minute."

As he suspected, Teal'c had brought donuts and handed them to O'Neill.

"Mmm… breakfast!"

"Smells like you've already eaten Jack."

Jack didn't respond but signalled that Sam should come join them. She was diffident, uncertain what her reception might be and worried her friends might be angry.

"Sam? Sam!" Daniel rushed towards her as she came in, pulling her into a tight hug.

"Daniel. It's so good to see you. Teal'c."

She extricated herself from Daniel's embrace and approached the Jaffa tentatively.

"Colonel Carter," he smiled broadly, "you are alive. That is good news indeed."

When she embraced him, he returned it eagerly, happy to see his friend and colleague.

Jon stood staring at her hesitantly, still unable to take it in. Sam was alive! He glanced over at Jack and their eyes met, an interesting exchange of thoughts occurring, for anyone who could reads minds, or the O'Neill eyes. Jon hadn't seen her for so very long and now, having believed she was lost, there she was.

"I'm glad to see that reports of your death are greatly exaggerated, Sam," he said.

"Jon," she responded, "it's good to see you."

"Is it? Well, perhaps we should play catch-up later. You might be able to save us a lot of time trying to find out why someone killed you. Oh, wait a minute, you're not dead!"

"Still got the O'Neill humor, huh?" she retorted.

"Yeah, well no one's perfect."

Jack rolled his eyes in response to that and, catching his expression, Sam suppressed a laughed, but smiled.

"Look, guys, what the hell is going on?" Daniel looked from Jack to Sam and back again and Jack simply shrugged.

"Not a clue. But, hopefully, Sam is about to reveal all."

"Sam, we thought we'd lost you. You can't know how relieved…" Daniel declared with a huge smile. "But you let us believe you were dead." He expression turned to a frown.

"Daniel, she's already had enough of that from me. It's all part of the story so let's just trust her to explain it all to us, shall we?" Jack intervened, for which Sam was grateful.

"Can we have coffee first to go with the donuts and Sam's story?" Daniel looked at Jack pleadingly.

"Sheesh! All right, Daniel, as long as you don't badger Sam while I'm in the kitchen making it. She's been through enough already without her friends turning on her."

"Umm, I'll come help, Jack," Daniel offered, dying to know whatever it was Jack knew already.

Following him out to the kitchen he watched for a short while as Jack started making fresh coffee, but couldn't contain himself for long.

"So, what's going on Jack?"

"I told you, I haven't a clue."

"How did you find Sam? How did you know she was alive?"

"I didn't do either. She broke into the house at some godforsaken time in the early hours of this morning."

"She hasn't told you what's going on? That's a bit odd isn't it?"

"Daniel, she was exhausted and upset. She needed to sleep. And this morning she was hungry. She needed to eat. The subject didn't come up."

"Jack…"

"Look, call me a little odd if you like Daniel, but someone tried to kill her and a friend of hers was killed in her place. She's been on the run, in hiding, and not knowing where to turn or who to trust. I figured she needed some time to pull herself together."

"She must have known she could trust any of us."

"Well, that's why she's here, isn't it?

As Daniel and Jack talked in the kitchen, so did Sam and Teal'c in the living room, while Jon sat in a slightly stunned silence, feeling like the odd man out and wondering whether he was welcome there anymore.

"Are you well, Colonel Carter?"

"Not really, Teal'c."

"No. Clearly not."

He reached out an arm and she sunk into his chest gratefully. Teal'c was never one for unnecessary and irksome questions.

"That sure feels good, Teal'c."

"We are friends, are we not?"

"I hope so."

"And this is what friends should do, is it not?"

"Yes. Thank you."

"You can count on my support Colonel Carter."

"I know, and I am so grateful for that Teal'c."

After that they were silent as Teal'c strong arms encircled her in a comforting embrace.

'It's so good to be home,' Sam thought.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Learning to Live With It Part 7

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: See bio

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, Romance

Content Level: Age 13+

Content Warnings: Minor use of mild language

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: Smoke and Mirrors, General S9 spoilers

Summary: Sam reveals all and the plot thickens when the friends find some disturbing connections between a number of employees at Area 51

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Learning to Live With It Part 6

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2006 Su Freund

Art credit: Thanks to fulinn28 for making the book cover that illustrates this troy on my site, from the great cap of a thoughtful and cute looking Jack. If you want to see it, go to my site at the address above

Author's Note: Thanks to Bonnie for beta reading this fic and particularly for picking up my use of UK English!

**Learning to Live With It Part 7**

A knock on the door startled all of them and, when Jack looked out of the window and saw it was the police, again, he heaved a huge sigh and shot through to the living room quickly.

"It's the cops, Sam. Unless you want to be found right this minute I suggest you hide in one of the bedrooms."

"Right!" She scampered quickly into the spare room she'd slept in, closing the door, and Jack opened the front door with a broad smile on his face.

"Jeez, guys, there's no getting rid of you, is there?" he said by way of greeting, "I guess you'd better come in."

"We have some good news for you General O'Neill," one of them said as they followed him through to the living room. Jack couldn't remember whether he was Tweedledum, or Tweedledumber. "Your friends will also be interested, I'm sure," he continued as he spotted Daniel, Teal'c and Jon.

"Good news? Well, we could use some. You got Colonel Carter's killer?"

"No sir, I'm afraid not. We got the autopsy results and it seems it wasn't Colonel Carter in the car."

"What?" All four men exclaimed in unison, followed by a lot of faked surprise, joy, and confused talking over each other excitedly.

The police tried to calm the situation and eventually silence reigned.

"So Carter's alive out there somewhere." Jack said, "Daniel, Teal'c we need to find her and find out what the hell is going on."

"Well, sir, perhaps you ought to leave the police work to us. We have got a few questions."

Part of the questioning revolved around the real deceased, Pam Mathers. They produced a photograph and none of the men knew or recognised her, speculating on whether she was a friend of Sam's or an unfortunate car thief. The cops pointed out the likelihood of the latter being zero, given that she had turned up at a rendezvous that Sam had arranged with the General.

"Must be a case of mistaken identity," Jack theorised. "The bomb must have been meant for Carter and they got the wrong woman. Good for us, unlucky for this Pam whatsername."

"Or it was planned by Colonel Carter herself?" one of the cops threw in to see the reaction.

"If you think that, you are definitely barking up the wrong tree," Jack countered, and the rest of the men jumped to defend Sam's honor.

"We must admit that we think that is a little far fetched, but in this job you have to keep an open mind."

They didn't stay for long after that and, when they'd left, the men breathed a synchronous sigh of relief and Sam came and rejoined them.

"I hope they believed that we didn't know you were still alive, Sam, or who knows what they'll be thinking right now?" Jack said.

"Well, the answer is to solve the mystery before they jump to the wrong conclusions," Jon added.

"Yeah, so it's time you tell us what's going on Sam," Jack hinted.

"I guess so," she agreed and sat trying to formulate her words.

In a nutshell, Sam believed she had discovered some unauthorised and illegal experimentation with alien technologies at Area 51. Still uncertain as to the nature of the experiments, she suspected the type of thing that would make your hair curl, although the likes of the old NID or Trust, and even some people inside the US Government, might feel happier about it than she did. She had some ideas but was unwilling to theorise without more evidence. All she knew for sure was that there was something bad going on.

It was after she had reported her initial fears to the base commander, General Doyle, that she felt her life might be under threat. The situation escalated so quickly that she had gone on the run to escape. Initially, they had tried to run her off the road, and then they had shot at her. Luckily, neither of these attempts worked so, clearly, they had taken more drastic measures, presumably in expectation of her making it back to the Springs and using her car.

Doyle had been sceptical of her fears, assuring her that nothing happened on his base without him knowing about it. She didn't know if he was in on it or not, or had just mentioned it to the wrong person.

"Sometimes Doyle can be a real jerk," Jack said, "but I find it hard to believe he would do this. I guess we should keep an open mind, just like the cops say they do. There is no way in hell that the cops are ever going to get to the bottom of this, not with Groom Lake or the program involved, although the internal investigation might. That could make things a little harder for us. The bad guys will be careful right now and are probably covering their tracks. Did you have any evidence, Sam?"

"I told the General I would go back to him with some. I found some stuff, sure, but nothing that would prove it, and not much to tell me who might be involved."

"Have you got copies of whatever you did have?"

"No. Dumb, huh? It was all on the system. Little signs and clues. If they hadn't tried to kill me, I might have began to doubt myself. I should have printed out what I had." She shook her head as if berating herself for her stupidity. "But I could log into the system."

"Maybe, but that would alert them you were looking. I need to think about this. More coffee while I get my brain around this, folks?" Jack asked.

Jon followed him out, looking a little confused and disconsolate.

"What's up Jon?" Jack asked when he saw his expression.

"I'm thinking I should probably leave. You don't need me anymore. You've got super brain now," Jon replied.

"Super brain? You mean Sam?" Jack laughed. "Yeah, it's kind of good to have her back, isn't it? But, no Jon, don't go. I asked for your help and I'm pretty sure that now you're in on it you'll want to see it through to the end, right?"

"Sure, I just feel like the outsider here."

"And seeing Sam alive and well after all this time is freaking you out?"

"Yeah, kinda."

Jack felt both sympathetic and empathetic of how Jon must be feeling and wanted to extend a hand of friendship. This was pretty strange for him too. He had never intended to maintain contact with his younger clone and it was just too peculiar on so many levels.

Even Jack, who could be very insensitive on occasion, recognised that the whole experience must be even more strange for his clone. These people had been his best friends once. Jon had experienced that as intensely as Jack had: all the pain, trails and tribulations, as well as the highs of SG-1. He too had loved Sam, and possibly still did. His emotions must be running riot. To abandon or reject him at that moment was just plain wrong.

"If you want to go, Jon, I'll understand that, but I'm asking you to stay, if you will. And if you think you can handle the reunion with Sam."

"Reading my thoughts, Jack?"

"It isn't easy for me either."

"No, I guess not after what you told me. Jack, don't you even notice the way she looks at you?"

"What, like I'm a total moron?"

"Jeez, sometimes you can be so dumb, you know that?"

"You should know."

"Yeah, funny. No, I mean she looks at you l-like… like she regrets what happened, like she has f-feelings for you."

"Bullshit!"

"I'm not kidding around here, Jack. I see it because I'm looking at it. You aren't looking because you're scared of what you'll see."

"That's a crock…"

"No it isn't. I know you better than anyone, remember?"

"I don't want to talk about this, Jon."

"No, of course not! Just put your fingers in your ears and hum like always, Jack. Avoid it, hide from it, lock it away."

"Think I will, thanks for the suggestion."

"Christ, I give up! If she looks at you like a moron then maybe it's because you are one!"

With those words, he walked out leaving Jack to his own thoughts, which were dark and bleak. Jack tried to shove it all into the back of his mind and concentrate on the problem at hand; making coffee, and formulating a plan. He could hear the low babble of conversation next door and found it strangely comforting and, by the time he joined his friends again, he had regained his balance.

As it would be foolish for Sam to tip their hand and log into Area 51, Jon hacked in again, way quicker than the first time. Sam sat by his side watching and marvelling at his creativity. Even if they detected the breech, it seemed unlikely that they would trace it back to them. Jon had Jack's devious mind, plus the knowledge to make it work for them in this situation.

Jon was flattered by Sam's comments about his work, particularly when she told him she could never do it as efficiently, effectively and secretly. He could feel the inane smile appearing on his features and quickly suppressed it, opting instead for a cockily delivered "gee, thanks."

Sam wasn't taken in by his reaction. She knew how Jack would think in that situation, so therefore knew Jon. She had to confess that, until today, she had almost forgotten that Jon existed. She didn't like to think about someone else wandering the planet with Jack's thoughts, feelings and experiences. Just the idea freaked her out.

It gave her pause to wonder what he might be thinking and feeling right now, about this whole mess, about her, about Jack and the other guys, and she figured it must be very strange for him too. He seemed to be coping pretty well with it, on the surface, but who knew what lurked in the depths of either Jack or Jon O'Neill? They didn't like letting anyone in to take a look.

Jack had chosen well when he chose Jon to help them and that did not surprise Sam at all. However much he tried to play dumb, Sam knew very well that it was very far from the truth where Jack was concerned. He was the best CO she'd ever had and all others would suffer in comparison with him.

He could be impatient, stubborn, taciturn and sometimes downright rude, but the plusses in his character far outweighed the flaws. Jack was a master at what he did best and liked to cut to the chase, not hang around. The latter trait was only natural in a man like Jack, but was one of the ways in which he could lead you to believe in his dumb front.

Now she felt safe and secure with Jack around, Sam gave herself the luxury of thinking about her feelings for him again. They hadn't changed. Actually, that wasn't entirely true, they had deepened and matured but, essentially, she still loved him and she had to find a way to win him back, make him forgive her and confess his feelings for her. She knew that Jack wouldn't make that easy, but she was willing to be patient and keep trying.

Jon was so like Jack. He had the same mannerisms and expressions, as well as the same brain. Seeing it in action today was awe inspiring and signalled what Jack was capable of if he wanted to be. It wasn't what Jack wanted to be, however. He was good at what he was good at and, if he needed other expertise, he called the experts and expected them to get on with it. That is why they had been such a good team together. He allowed his people to play to their strengths while he concentrated on his.

Once Jon broke into the Area 51 system again, Sam directed them to where they needed to be. In no time at all they had printed copies of everything she had found to date, and Sam and Jon sat looking for anything more, while the other three poured over the printouts.

While they worked, Sam and Jon bantered comfortably and Jack could feel a small spark of jealousy. Jon could behave as he had before because he had never been through what Jack had with Sam over the last few months and years. He had never known her disturbingly close decision to marry Pete, or what she'd been through after her father died, or had his heart broken from being dumped by her. He had never been so close to hope only to have it shattered.

Once again, a knock at Jack's door made them start. Jack looked out of the window and saw Hammond, and Sam nodded to let him in. She trusted George Hammond. The old General was delighted when his eyes alighted on Sam. He had come over to deliver the autopsy results and the results of investigations so far, as promised.

When he had read it wasn't Sam who'd been killed he'd whooped for joy. He felt a fatherly love for Sam, and this had been enhanced by her father's death. He and Jacob had been close friends and George Hammond was the closest thing to a replacement now Jacob was gone. George took that responsibility seriously.

There were tears in his eyes when he hugged Sam. She was apologetic that she hadn't told him earlier, feeling she had let him down in that respect.

They invited him to join them in their search for the truth, and he was delighted to oblige, trying to suppress the uneasy feelings provoked by the fact that Jon O'Neill had hacked into the Groom Lake facility. Sometimes the things that they did made his blood run cold, but you did what you had to do and he was willing to do almost anything to protect his old comrades.

So, it seemed, was Jack O'Neill and his young clone and Hammond wouldn't have expected anything less. Nevertheless, it didn't sit well with him that they were hacking into a top secret military installation and he briefly wondered how Jack felt about that, given that it was his domain these days.

"This Doctor James' name crops up quite a lot, don't you think?" Daniel asked.

"It can't be Ed," Sam said over her shoulder, "I just don't see it. He must be a patsy."

"How well do you know him, Sam?" Daniel asked.

"Pretty well. W-we dated for a while…" She was embarrassed by that confession and realised she probably needn't have made it, but too late.

Both Jack and Jon almost stopped in their tracks but managed to carry on as if nothing had been said – just. Jack didn't dare look up because he was pretty certain he would be caught blushing. His cheeks felt hot and his heart was racing. He hadn't figured on Sam dating someone; what a fool! Sam could probably have any man she wanted and had been free to do as she chose. That thought did nothing to calm Jack's disquiet and upset at the notion.

"We should all keep an open mind, Sam" Jack managed to say evenly and emotionlessly.

"You're right, of course, Jack," she agreed.

Jack was wondering what this Doctor James guy looked like and how old he was, when Sam had been out with him and whether it was continuing, and whether she had slept with him. His mind raced with questions, none of which he was sure he wanted answering.

"Shall I call up his personnel file?" Jon asked, equally evenly and emotionless.

"Good idea Jon," Jack said. "Print it. I want to read it." Man, did he want to read it, and see the photo!

"While you're at it, get the files for Doctors Ellis and Peters too, as well as General Doyle," Daniel suggested. "And what was the name of the guy who replaced you as head of R&D, Sam? Could something be going on without him knowing it?"

"I don't know. Worth checking," Sam replied, "Patrick MacDonald. Don't really see him fitting into this picture, but who knows?"

"Who's in Doyle immediate circle, Sam?" Jack asked, "Any of them, and also his immediate staff. If he mentioned your suspicions to someone who was it most likely to be?"

"Got it," Sam responded and started to write a list of names that Jon should get the files for, while he was in that part of the system. "I never was very keen on Rick Peters. He's a jerk. But I guess my personal prejudices shouldn't get in the way of this."

"Maybe your gut is telling you something, Sam," Jack said, "worth considering."

"Are personnel records likely to be helpful, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked, "Would they not have seen a vet before being employed there?" The whole room burst out laughing and Teal'c looked puzzled.

"You mean they all must have been vetted Teal'c, not that they went to the vets," Daniel chuckled.

"Is that not what I said?"

"No, Teal'c… forget it!"

"You never know what you'll find in personnel records, T," Jack said, "always worth a look."

When Jon handed him some of the printouts, Ed James was on top. A look passed between the two men as if they each knew what the other was thinking, and they probably did. Jack looked at James' record. Damn, he was thinking as he read, the guy seemed young and good looking even in his mug shot type photo, and those things were never flattering. It seemed he had brains too, according to his list of qualifications and experience. He poured over it carefully, looking for clues.

Jack was cursing himself for his jealousy. Sam was nothing to him anymore, and she never would be. Apart from that, she wasn't interested, so even if he wanted… but he didn't want. Then he cursed himself for lying even in his own mind. Of course he wanted, but he wasn't going to get, or make any effort to. It was way too late for all of that and he had to learn to live with it.

"See, now here's something interesting. Lover boy worked closely with Doctor Langham on a couple of projects." Sam cringed at Jack's use of the phrase lover boy, knowing he was pissed. Things had just got a lot worse and it was her fault for slipping up. Jack need never have known, or not yet. He continued, "They were friends. Remember Langham, guys?" Jack looked up towards his friends, inwardly flinching at the memory of being incarcerated for something he hadn't done.

"Indeed, O'Neill," Teal'c said, "I remember him well. He worked for the NID."

"Oh yeah, all that Kinsey assassination stuff," Daniel said, "I wasn't around because I was off somewhere being glowy, but I read all about that."

Sam decided it would be indiscreet to rush to Ed's defence again. Besides, what if he was involved? The thought made her shudder, and wonder about her people judgement skills. Had she been taken in so easily by good looks and charm? Yeah, of course she had. She was a sucker. Jack wasn't the only one who noticed her silence.

"He's a biological scientist, genetics and stuff. If he's our man I really do not like the sound of it at all. What the hell could these illegal experiments be?" Jack commented.

"Ed and Rick Peters play golf together," Sam piped up, still keeping her suspicions about the experiments quiet but thinking that Ed fit into her theory all too well.

"It looks like they might have been at college together too," Jack added after a cursory scan of Peters' bio. "Crap, this guy is a chemist. It's getting interesting."

"Here's the military personnel, Jack," Jon handed him more print outs.

"Colonel Connelly is Doyle's second in command, right?" Jack looked to Sam for confirmation and she nodded. "Is he here?" Jon nodded. "If it isn't Doyle, then Connelly is a likely suspect for the guy he spoke to about you, Sam."

Jack rifled through the papers to find Connelly's information.

"Well, wouldn't you know it? Connelly went to the same college as Peters and James before he took a commission."

"All at the same time?" Daniel asked.

"Yeah, contemporaries, although they probably wouldn't have been in the same classes."

"Same fraternity perhaps?" Jon suggested.

"That's entirely possible." Jack concurred. "or something similar, maybe; same sports club, chess club, anything."

"It doesn't prove anything, son." Hammond said.

"No, but it might bring us closer. Is Langham still on there?"

Jon searched for Langham.

"Bingo!"

"Same college again?"

"Yep."

"A little weird don't you think?" Jack said, "Langham did it for money. No reason to suppose these others guys aren't greedy too. Trying to get a slice of cake for themselves. But they can't all be working for the Trust or whatever, can they? Isn't that a stretch?"

"They could have brought each other in one by one, maybe?" Daniel suggested.

"Or they might be working totally independently from the outside. An internal conspiracy," Jon added.

"Okay, folks, keep looking. Isn't it time to eat? How about Chinese?" said Jack, and they were all heartily in favor of that suggestion, each with their own idea for what dishes they should order.

They took a break to eat and Jack tried to steer everyone away from the immediate subject to give them all a proper time out. Everyone but Daniel took the hint and, when Jack threw him a black look, even Daniel couldn't miss the implication and changed the subject.

Once they went back to work it didn't take long for Sam to come up with a possible answer. All clues led back to her original suspicions. Jack had known his ploy would work. Take a break, give people time for some quiet reflection and come back refreshed, then see a different angle to the problem.

"I hate to say this but it's been going over and over in my head for a while and now I think I know for certain what they are up to," she declared and all eyes turned to face her, "I think they are experimenting with ways to create some sort of human super soldier."

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Learning to Live With It Part 8

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: See bio

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, Romance

Content Level: Age 13+

Content Warnings: Minor use of mild language

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: General S9 spoilers

Summary: Jack makes plans to expose the conspirators

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Learning to Live With It Part 7

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2006 Su Freund

Art Credit: A lovely cap of Sam illustrates this fic on my site, made into a book cover by Fulinn28. I am very thankful to her for making it. If you want to see it, you can find it on my site at the above address.

Author's Note: Many thanks to Bonnie for beta reading this fic, for which I am always grateful.

**Learning to Live With It Part 8**

There was a stunned silence until Jack asked her to explain, knowing he would regret it because her explanation would be full of technical jargon that he didn't understand and, frankly, didn't want to. He was right. Sam launched into full gobbledegook mode and Jack turned his brain off, just listening to the sound of her voice. He trusted she had drawn the right conclusion without needing to know the whys and wherefores of genetic this and chemical that. Listening to her voice, however, was pure pleasure. He didn't speak again until the hubbub around the subject had died down.

"Okay, so what do we do about it? T, you and I should pay a little visit to Langham in the morning. From what I heard, it was you who got him to talk before, although he sounded like a total wimp so I'm surprised he held out at all. If he's an example of what these guys are like, then this should be a piece of cake, but I'm not holding my breath. He might know something useful, though.

"I also have to go into the SGC tomorrow because the internal investigation guys want a word with me. It seems they might be pulling the rug from under the noses of the cops, or they're thinking of it. I wanna know what they know, so hopefully I'll learn more from them than they learn from me.

"Now, I for one am fed up with being cooped up in here all day and am going for a run, and some much needed fresh air. Sam, you need to think about whether you should go see the cops. You have to face the music sometime. You are all more than welcome to carry on talking about all of this, yadda, yadda, yadda and if any of you come up with a brilliant plan we'll talk about it later. I'll be back in an hour or so."

With those words, he went to the bedroom and changed into running gear, grabbed some water, and was out of the door within five minutes. As the air hit him he felt slightly giddy. It seemed forever since he'd last left the house. It was good to get away and think for a while, alone. The breeze in his face was refreshing.

He ran quite a long way, way too far, taking perverse pleasure from the pain. In fact he welcomed it. Physical pain helped to ease his mental anguish about Sam, which was steadily worsening the longer he spent in her company. Jack couldn't wait to get this thing over with so he could hide himself away from her and his friends again and pretend things were normal. He hoped he was doing a better job of covering up his feelings for the outside world than he was of suppressing them.

By the time he got back, which was way after the hour he'd promised, Jack was sweaty, out of breath and in need of a shower so, instead of popping his head round into the living room to say anything, he headed straight to his room. They could live without him for another 10 minutes.

Having washed every inch, and changed into clean clothes, he felt much better, more relaxed and in possession of a mainly clear head. When he sauntered back into the living room, the tableaux before him didn't seem to have changed one little bit, with the exception of the absence of one General George Hammond who'd had to leave, but with a promise from all to keep him posted, and vice versa.

"T, you Jaffa have got this kel'nor'reem thing all wrong. All you need is to go out for a long run," he quipped. "Any of you come up with anything?"

"Not much. A few half baked ideas," Daniel replied.

"Okay, so maybe we take a break until tomorrow. The bad guys aren't going to disappear."

"We hope," Sam said.

"Good point, but how productive are we going to be tonight?"

"You're right. We're all suffering from information overload," Sam agreed. "I'm tired."

"Stress will do that to a person. I'm guessing you don't want to go home. Want the spare bed, Carter?" Jack asked, easily reverting back to the well-worn epithet and kicking himself mentally after his internal promise to keep this more personal.

He wanted to protect her and maybe he could if she stayed in his house. Jack might have mixed feelings about Sam's proximity, but he still wanted to keep her safe. That was very important to him. For Sam's part, she felt safe with Jack around, so she gladly accepted.

This prompted the others to go home and leave Jack and Sam alone and in peace. Daniel was hopeful that they'd get together like they'd always wanted and, this time, it would not be the abysmal failure it was before. He wasn't sure why he held out such hope after that initial failure, but he was confident they loved each other and that surely had to count for something. You couldn't just afford to throw such a fundamental thing away. He wondered about trying that line on Jack, who could be so stubborn and prideful at times.

Although she was tired, Sam didn't immediately go to bed, staying up to talk with Jack. They had a beer and tried to feel at ease with each other, but all the while they were both wondering what the other one was thinking and feeling.

"Why did you come back to The Springs, Sam, and arrange to meet me here? It must have been an obvious place for you to come to. We could have met anywhere in the country."

"I had to get away from Nevada, and this place is still home. And Daniel and Teal'c are close-by. And the SGC is still my place of work; you know that. It's funny but, once I left for Area 51 I thought I'd never be back, never travel through the gate again. Now look how it's turned out."

"You regret coming back to the SGC?"

"Sometimes, but in the end I thought I could make more of a difference at the SGC than at Area 51. Anyone can run R&D. And, truth be told, I didn't get as much lab time as I'd hoped. Too much paperwork."

"Now that is something I can relate to," he chuckled, "although you didn't want to give it up altogether. You wanted to keep going back to Area 51."

"There's some interesting stuff going on there."

"And not all of it sanctioned, it seems."

"It's the kind of project that could easily be unofficially sanctioned."

"I hope it isn't or we might find the world crashing down on us."

"Yeah, that's a scary thought. I've got an idea, Jack. We could set them up using me as bait."

"No way, Sam. It's too risky."

"Isn't that up to me?"

Jack considered those words carefully before replying with a sigh.

"Yes, of course it is. What did you have in mind?"

"Arranging to see Ed."

Jack tried to breath normally; this idea was getting worse.

"Are you two still an item?" he asked.

"No! But I could call him asking for help. He might swallow that I trust him. Then I can lay it all out and get his reaction. Wear a wire."

"I should imagine they'd think of that one."

"I suppose. There must be another way without a wire. It could work."

"I don't like it. It exposes you to too much danger."

"You and the guys can listen in from nearby and come running if there's trouble. I'll be alright with you there Jack."

"I'm glad you still have some faith in me."

"That's why I came to you. Who else can I trust to get it right?"

He was considering Sam's plan and beginning think that it might be a good one; with some Jack O'Neill style modifications. Mulling it over, he hit upon an idea that, if he could pull it off, might keep Sam safe, and they wouldn't need a wire. When he called into the SGC next day he would try to make some arrangements.

Then he started wondering if he and Teal'c could sneak into Area 51 and take a look around, see if they could peek in person at the unofficial experiments being undertaken by the conspirators. That could be useful. Jack didn't like the idea of relying on the paper trail. Paper was paper but action was action. You could drown in the former while the latter had always kept Jack afloat. He didn't like sitting on his ass doing nothing and recently he'd done way too much ass sitting.

Of course, Groom Lake wasn't an easy place to break into. Not only was it a top secret facility but there were way too many conspiracy theory nuts trying to get in there all the time. Security was pretty tight. With a little help from friends however, there might be a way. He decided to dwell on that a bit further.

"Sam… I-we don't want to lose you now we've just found you again. That was bad enough. Just how close are you and this Ed James guy?"

Jack realised he was probably exposing too much of himself, yet again. How could he help himself? God, he had to learn to shut up occasionally! Sam eyed him curiously, trying to read his face, but it was stony, despite his words.

"I'm not sure that's any of your business, Jack," Sam said in answer to his question. That sure told him, and she was right. He had no right to even ask; nevertheless he pressed the point, finding a reason to be asking her.

"I'm just trying to figure the level of risk if you arrange to meet him, is all."

She appraised him silently for a few seconds before replying, not fully believing that excuse, but deciding she could live with it.

"Okay. Not sure I can help you there, Jack. I'm the woman who didn't believe he would be involved in something like this in the first place, remember? Dammit, how could I be such a poor judge of character? I liked him."

"Well think about it. Is he dangerous?"

"I'm not sure I ever got to know him well enough to make that assessment. We dated a few times, then I blew him off."

"Yeah, you have that habit," he said before he thought about it.

"That's not fair, Jack."

She saw the pain at the memory flicker over Jack's face and then disappear into his carefully schooled neutralism. He would never forgive her, never. That thought disturbed her more than she wanted to admit even to herself.

'I love you Jack!' she screamed inside her head, 'I wish I could tell you. I wish you would understand. I wish I could find a way to make you listen. I will, after this is over, I will.'

"As you said, it's none of my business but, if you did hurt him, that could make him a threat to you. That and greed for whatever money he hopes to be making from this thing. You are too valuable an asset to be risking, Carter." This time, his reversion to the use of her surname was wholly deliberate.

"I can't imagine him killing me, if that's what you mean, but I'm sure he has friends that would. That much is already clear, isn't it? If I arrange to meet him he'll probably tell someone else. I think Connelly could be a very dangerous man. But then, so can you, Jack, probably more so and you're on my side. You'll figure it out. I wish we had enough evidence to prove what is happening but, as we haven't, we don't have many other options. You're the master strategist. Figure it out. I want in on this, Jack, whatever we decide. They tried to kill me and they succeeded in killing a friend. I need to be there to bring them all tumbling down."

Jack considered those words carefully and well understood her need for action and revenge.

"It's probably the easiest way," he answered, "bait a trap. That doesn't mean I have to like it. But I can think of some things that might make it more foolproof. I have some thoughts."

"I knew you would. Care to share?"

"Not yet. Let me look into it." She nodded acquiescence, knowing Jack would share when he was ready, or not at all. "What are you going to do about the cops?"

"I can sort that out when this is over. It will probably become a wholly military matter, won't it?"

"Probably. That'll piss Tweedledum and Tweeledumber off." He smiled at the thought. "You look tired, Sam."

She wondered if that was a hint to get rid of her so he could be alone with his thoughts.

"Yeah, I guess I ought to go sleep," she responded, deciding to take the hint, "Thanks for letting me stay. I feel safe here."

"I won't let anything happen to you, not if I have a say in it, you know that."

"Yes, I know. Thank you for being my friend."

She got up and kissed the top of his head, hurt by his immediate rebuff, but understanding his reasons. After she went to bed, Jack sat alone for a long time, thinking: about Sam, about their plan, and about Sam again. How was he meant to get her out of his head when she was sleeping in his spare room, for crying out loud? So near and yet so far. That was cruel. It felt like someone had twisted a knife in his gut.

Nevertheless, on his way to bed, he could not stop himself from looking in on her. She was asleep, looking peaceful and beautiful, and he approached the bed, unable to resist her lure. Squatting down next to her, he reached a hand over to softly stroke her cheek and brush her hair away from her face. His heart was hammering; he didn't want to get caught. Then he stood and leaned over her, kissing her hair gently, and watched her for a while.

'I still love you, Sam. I wish I didn't, but I do. Crap!' he thought as he turned away and went to his own bed and another restless night's sleep.

Next morning, Sam thought Jack looked haggard and worn. It worried her. They were all potentially in danger and they needed Jack at his sharpest. She didn't want any harm to come to him while he was looking out for her. That was unthinkable.

They muttered a few pleasantries at each other, but didn't talk much, and then Teal'c arrived, ready to go on the planned visit to Langham. Jack made a call to arrange it and put on a uniform for the purpose. After Daniel arrived with Jon, they left them babysitting Sam and Jack drove to their destination.

"O'Neill, I am troubled," Teal'c said during their journey, breaking a long silence.

"What's up, T?"

"You are, my friend."

"Oh." Jack had a feeling he didn't want to talk about what was coming.

"You look unwell; tired. Are you not sleeping well, O'Neill?"

"I'm fine Teal'c."

"You most certainly are not fine. You are disturbed, upset and confused by the presence of Colonel Carter, are you not?"

"T, I don't want to go there."

"I am not asking that you go anywhere."

"You want me to tell you how I'm feeling about Sam."

"I believe that I know that already, O'Neill. You still have deep feelings for her."

"Would it get you off my back if I admitted it?"

"You should tell her."

"T, we've been there and done that already. She isn't interested in me, not like that."

"So you believe. I do not. And I seriously doubt that you ever informed her of your feelings."

"Yeah, well…" he shrugged, "not ever likely to either. Not after everything that happened."

"That might be unwise."

"Being wise was never my forte."

"In affairs of the heart, perhaps not."

Jack avoided his friend's eyes, keeping them firmly fixed on the road ahead, but felt his face reddening at the topic of conversation.

"Can we not talk about this please, T? Now is so not the right time."

"I fear that you will never make it the right time, O'Neill."

"How well you know me, old buddy. Just drop it!"

"Indeed."

Out of the corner if his eye, Jack saw Teal'c bow his head slightly and was satisfied that the conversation was closed. Teal'c continued to ruminate on the subject at hand, saying nothing, but wondering if there was anything that he or Daniel Jackson could do about the situation between their two friends.

Teal'c saw a lot and was not blind to the fact that the pair clearly still had feelings for each other. O'Neill was a stubborn and prideful man and had been hurt. Teal'c could understand his reticence to pursue a relationship with Colonel Carter, given that she had hurt him before, nevertheless it bothered him.

He doubted that O'Neill even realised that Colonel Carter still had feelings for him. How to make him see it? Maybe only she could do so. He mentally filed the subject for future discussion with Daniel Jackson.

The meeting with Langham was a fruitless waste of time. He knew nothing. The man was very clearly scared of Teal'c's presence and both men were pretty convinced that he would have coughed up if he had known. It was disappointing, but at least it was another avenue they had pursued.

After that pointless waste of time, Jack took them to the Mountain, explaining his plan to Teal'c. Jack had a long chat with the internal investigation team and it seemed they knew nothing useful. He didn't correct their erroneous assumptions. They might get there eventually but their own investigation was way more advanced, it seemed.

After that Jack had a lengthy, private and confidential conversation with Hank Landry. Hank was someone Jack trusted and his old friend was more than happy to help. Jack and Teal'c left the complex with exactly what they needed to carry out the rest of Jack's plan. No one would dare question General Jack O'Neill and what might be contained within the duffle bags that he and Teal'c carried with them as they left.

Jack pulled into the Motel, booked a room and they waited. The answer to Jack's prayer arrived surprising quickly, in a blinding flash of light.

"O'Neill. It is good to see you again after such a long absence. How may I be of assistance?"

"Thor, old buddy, thanks for comin'. Let me explain…"

Landry had come through for him, having communicated a coded message to the Asgard. This was a plan that Jack had devised with Thor long ago, and Thor had promised to be there, wherever Jack was, if he should require him, assuming he was not in the middle of something way more important than contacting his friend and ally justified.

Jack knew he was asking a lot. This message was only supposed to be used at a time of great trouble for Earth, but Thor was very sympathetic, it seemed, if you could transfer human emotion to the Asgard, which Jack doubted. It did appear, however, that Thor was happy to help in the way Jack suggested, despite the fact that Earth was not in any imminent danger.

"It would be an honor to be of assistance to Colonel Carter in her time of trouble, O'Neill," he said. "I will do as you ask."

"Thanks, Thor. I'm in your debt," Jack said.

"Just as I am in yours O'Neill, and hers. Contact me using this when you are ready." He handed Jack an Asgard communication device, "I will wait, unseen as usual, in Earth's orbit."

Jack could have kissed the little grey alien but settled for a broad smile instead. Without further ado, Thor disappeared in another bright flash and Jack and Teal'c checked out of the Motel and returned to Jack's.

By the time they got back to Jack's most of the day had disappeared. They found their friends looking over the papers they had printed looking for more clues. They hadn't known what else they could do and were eager for news. Jack reported back on the visit to Langham, and his little chat with Thor, explaining his plan very carefully.

Sam smiled to herself, knowing that Jack had concocted yet another good plan and much more confident that his idea would work than she had been about her own. He had taken her plan and built on it and now that he had she felt secure in the knowledge that it would work. It was up to her to take forward the initial part of the plan. She called Ed James.

"Sam?" Ed exclaimed, shocked to hear from her. "Where the hell are you? I couldn't believe you were dead, and then we found out you weren't. And now… what's going on?" He managed to sound pretty convincing, but then so did she.

"Ed, I need to see you. I need to talk to someone I can trust at Groom Lake."

"Has all this got something to do with this place?"

"Yes, Ed. There's something nasty going on at Area 51 and I need your help to expose it."

"Me? Sam, anything, you know that. I'd do anything for you,"

Miming sticking her fingers down her throat to make herself throw up, and rolling her eyes, the four men in the room with her smiled.

"I so hoped you'd say that. I'm in Vegas," she lied, as it was part of the plan that they think so. If they believed she had never made it back to the Springs they might feel more secure. "Meet me tomorrow at 15:00. Remember that bar we went to on our first date? Can you make it?"

"Sure I remember, Sam, and I'll make it."

"Thanks Ed. Thanks so much. See you then." She rang off. "That should get them thinking."

"Yep," agreed Jack, "now for stage two."

This required most of the conspirators to go their separate ways. Jack returned to Washington, having arranged to be recalled and lead the conspirators astray, while Daniel went back to his home and Teal'c apparently returned to the SGC. This left Sam and Jon alone in Jack's house, Jon staying so that Sam could. That way no one got suspicious about activity around the house.

To anyone watching Jack's or the old team's actions, it would appear they were going about their normal business. This was part of the plan. No one must suspect that, when Sam met Ed James, she was anything but alone.

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

Title: Learning to Live With It Part 9

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: See bio

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, Romance

Content Level: Age 13+

Content Warnings: Minor use of mild language

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: Divide and Conquer, Entity, Metamorphosis, General S9 spoilers

Summary: In Area 51, Jack and Teal'c uncover something way more sinister than any of the friends had anticipated

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Learning to Live With It Part 8

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2005 Su Freund

Art Credit: The cap of ever gorgeous Jack that illustrates this fic on my site was made into a book cover by fulin28, to whom I am very grateful as always, and can be found on my site, address above, if you want to take a look.

Author's Note: Many thanks to Bonnie for beta reading this fic, and her always useful corrections and suggestions. As ever, any remaining mistakes are entirely my own.

**Learning to Live With It Part 9**

Jack deliberately chose to tell no one but Teal'c about this part of his plan. He needed to see what was going on with his own eyes. That was evidence he could trust. Wearing full commando style gear and armed with P90s and Zats, Jack and Teal'c materialised inside the Groom Lake facility.

Smiling to himself, Jack was grateful that the Asgard beaming technology was at his disposal. It meant they could get in without being spotted and, if they were, they could beam out again without being captured. If caught, how on Earth would General Jack O'Neill explain why he had mysteriously appeared inside Area 51? Ostensibly, he was in charge of the place and it could be way too embarrassing.

Of course, Jack being Jack had a back up plan in mind for if the worst happened and they inexplicably got caught sneaking around. He would claim this was an exercise designed to test security at Area 51. In fact, the obvious flaw in Groom Lake defences bothered him and he realised that, once all of this was over, he had to find a way to guard against such intrusion in future.

As Head of Homeworld Security, Jack couldn't countenance such a breech. At the moment any old person could get into the place by using Asgard technology. That was simply wrong on so many levels and he could not allow it to continue unchecked. Indeed, it shocked him to consider that he'd overlooked that gaping hole, and they'd been lucky that no one else seemed to have thought of it. The Trust, or other nefarious enemies, could have a field day with such knowledge.

He didn't think that either his CO or the President of the United States would be overly impressed when they found out what was going on, or about the defect in defences he'd discovered. He'd probably have a hard enough job explaining how he'd managed to allow unsanctioned experiments to go on behind his back.

There were going to be repercussions but Jack had broad shoulders and would protect his people if possible while shouldering the blame as much as he could. General Doyle and Patrick MacDonald were so going to get it, but he was gonna get it a whole lot more.

Despite the often excruciatingly boring paperwork involved in his job, Jack wasn't ready for a forced retirement quite yet. He'd tell them when he wanted to go and that would be when he was good and ready. While he stayed, he could do a lot to help the Stargate Program, and that was still of vital importance to him. So he'd find a way to defend himself from all comers so that he could continue to fight the good fight.

He hadn't wanted the others to know about this little side trip because he thought they'd all want to come along for the ride. Two was enough. In as quickly and quietly as possible, gather what information and evidence they could, then out just as quickly and quietly; that's the way he wanted it to be and Jack sure hoped they didn't screw anything up. Despite that he could find a way to justify it, getting caught was not an option because it would ruin his carefully laid plans.

The paper trail had been pretty clear about the location of the experiments. It all led to one place. Connelly was obviously pulling the wool over the eyes of both his CO, General Doyle, and Sam's replacement as head of R&D, Patrick MacDonald. It had to be Connelly unless one of the other two men were involved. He was the only one with enough clout to keep this a secret and, if Sam was right, it was quite some secret.

Someone had aptly named it Project Palooka, which meant fighter as well as imbecile. Jack was vastly amused by this and wondered whether Connelly, or whoever it was who had named it, actually had a sense of humor. They were going to need that where they were going. Prison time was no joking matter and they would be getting a lot of that so should take their laughs wherever they could.

On the surface, the project was meant to be exploring an effective means of defeating the Ori, or their Priors anyway, by biological or chemical means. For all Jack knew they were doing that too, although Sam couldn't see how they could be because she happened to know that they didn't have enough base data to succeed in such a project. Jack had to take her word for that and he pondered how they were managing to hoodwink Doyle and MacDonald into believing that that they did.

Although he might not have been listening properly, obviously Jack had taken in some of what Sam and the others had been talking about. He always did. His ears seemed to be finely attuned to blocking out the extraneous crap that he didn't need to know but picking up the essentials. It was a trick that none of his old team seemed to catch on to even though he had worked with them for many years. It could come in handy in many situations.

Apart from the lack of data on which they might base such a specifically targeted attack on the Priors, Sam was tipped that there was something else going on by discrepancies in supply orders, and the manpower they were using.

Not all the supplies fit together with the project and her curiosity had been peaked by the fact that people seemed to be going in as guinea pigs but didn't appear to be coming out. On the face of it they were coming out, all seemingly healthy and fine, but she didn't need to do much digging to find out that this was a big lie and cover up. In her opinion this was a sign of a terrible and cruel travesty. She believed they were killing people with their experiments and Jack wanted to find out if she was right.

So, because of their research and the benefits of Asgard technology, Jack and Teal'c appeared in almost exactly the right place. It was a large room filled with lots of scientific equipment and cupboards storing heaven knows what. There were also a number of other rooms connected to this project and these might contain just about anything. Jack figured there had to be way more people involved than simply Connelly, James and Peters and he wondered how many and if they all knew what was really going on.

All they had to do now was hope that no one was watching. It was late and most of the base was closed down for the night but these scientific types had a bad habit of working at all hours.

Jack was proved to be right. It was more by good management than good luck that he and Teal'c appeared hidden from view because when they arrived the lights were on in the room next door and someone was home. The pair crept over to the door, which luckily had a glass window in it. Peering through that window Jack could see Connelly and Peters standing over what looked like a person on a gurney. They could hear the hubbub of conversation and he pulled the door ever so slightly ajar, both men focussing and trying to discern the words.

"I thought it was going to go alright this time," Connelly snapped, "you assured me, Peters."

"I guess I was wrong."

"We can't go on like this. Someone other than that overly inquisitive and meddlesome woman, Carter, is bound to notice. Now we know she's still alive I'm surprised we haven't had O'Neill or someone else snooping around."

"You said O'Neill went back to Washington."

"Yeah, luckily for us he was recalled. That doesn't mean he won't be sending someone else. We have to mop up, and soon. We're at risk of becoming exposed."

"Carter hasn't gone in yet. She's still on the run. Ed will pick her up tomorrow and we'll be safe again."

"I hope so. You both told me we'd be much further forward than this by now but look at this guy! Can't you do anything for him?"

"I'm a chemist not a doctor."

"Yeah, I guess I should have recruited me one of those. You know what the success of this project could mean, for all of us?"

"That's why I'm here, Connelly. I want it to be a success as much as you do. You aren't the only one who's looking for a cosy retirement package."

A loud moan came from the gurney and both men looked down.

"For Christ's sake give the poor guy some morphine and let him die painlessly, Peters!" Connelly said.

"If you cared that much we wouldn't be doing this at all," the other man countered cynically, "so don't give me that crap! You know the longer he lives the more we'll learn for the next time."

"Just give him enough to take the edge off." Connelly responded as the moaning increased in both volume and frequency.

The guinea pig was evidently in considerable pain and Jack exchanged a disgusted glance with Teal'c, but they kept quiet. However much he wanted to go punch these guy's lights out, it wasn't part of the plan. Jack wondered if that was as cynical and hardened as Rick Peters sounded at that moment and realised that it probably was. The fact saddened him and he thought about how far he was prepared to go to reach his own goals. Pretty far.

'Been there, done that and bought the T-shirt, O'Neill,' he thought, 'So who are you to sit in judgement over these guys?'

Then he remembered that "these guys" had tried to kill Sam, which was another ball-game entirely. No one messed with one of his team! Especially not her. Although he sometimes liked to kid himself that he would have treated them all equally, he knew that he was fooling himself. However fond he was of Teal'c and Daniel, the recent experience of Sam's "death" proved beyond a shadow of doubt that no equality whatsoever was involved as far as his feelings and reactions were concerned.

When Daniel had ascended, Jack had been pretty upset. In fact, in Daniel's case they had thought him to be dead on more than one occasion and each time it had hit him hard, although he'd done his damnedest to hide it. Teal'c had been missing and possibly dead a few times too, which had also pissed him off one hell of a lot. But nothing could have prepared him for the pain that her so called death had caused. Until then he hadn't realised quite how much such an event would affect him. He had wanted to die himself.

He should have known he would feel that way, even though he wanted to hate her. Jack recalled very well that moment when she'd got trapped behind the force field, although he'd suppressed his feelings pretty well it seemed, and that had been sufficient to be considered a Zatarc for a while. Lying to yourself could be a risky business, it seemed. The memory flooded back.

Desperately, he had tried to free her, unable to leave and let her die alone. She had begged him to save himself, but he'd continued trying because he couldn't bear to give her up, or to give up on her. He had stared deep into her eyes and seen his own fear reflected there, along with other feelings that neither would admit and still hadn't. She'd wanted him to live as much as he'd wished it for her. At the time he's been unable to accept those feelings and had buried them deep, only to have them forced from him because he'd had no choice.

During his second Zatarc test, Anise had asked what he'd been feeling at the time and he'd reluctantly confessed "like someone who was about to die," and the words couldn't have been more truthful, but they hadn't been enough, much to his profound humiliation and chagrin. He'd needed to confess way too much more.

He remembered the look in Sam's eyes, begging him to come clean about his feelings for his own sake. Once again, he'd wanted to save her, by sacrificing himself if necessary, but she hadn't wanted him to risk his life or sanity. Frankly, he hadn't considered his brain worth saving, but she had.

"I didn't leave because I'd rather have died myself than loose Carter… Because I care about her…a lot more than I'm supposed to "

He'd been staring into Sam's eyes, his feelings as naked and raw as they generally ever got, if he ever gave them a chance to show themselves. Her feelings for him had been written in her eyes too and, although he'd almost wanted to die a thousand deaths rather than let Sam see into his heart, or even admit anything to himself, there had been some small comfort in knowing that she felt similarly about him. And, in reality, she had already known that he felt more for her than he should have, which probably meant that she knew now too.

Those words had said it all, so he should have known how devastated he'd be when it happened. But he'd never expected it to happen, and those events had taken place many years before. She probably didn't consider his brain worth saving anymore, and who could blame her for that? Certainly not him.

Then there was the time when he'd believed that she would burst open horribly and painfully to become a watery phantasm. His thoughts had been pretty bleak and terrible. He had wanted to die in her place then as well. In fact, he'd begged Nirrti to take him instead and cure her but there was no point in pleading with someone who has no heart and soul. She had merely laughed and he had despaired.

As Sam's head had rested on his shoulder he'd tried to come to terms with the fact that he was helpless. He would lose her forever and she would die as he stood idly by and did nothing. Jack had hated himself for that and knew then that he'd never forgive himself for being unable to save her. But in the end he had, and everything reverted to normality again. Denial of love and denial of self. It was always thus and always would be.

Jack had even killed her once, or tried to. That had broken his heart, pulling the trigger on the Zat for the second time. He'd prayed that the first shot would subdue the thing that had possessed her but it hadn't, so he'd killed her because it was the right thing to do even though it damned near broke him.

Having believed her dead then too, Jack sometimes wondered how things might have been for him if events had turned out differently. Could he have continued the fight that had kept them apart for too long without her by his side, knowing that he was responsible for her death? He figured that somehow he would have soldiered on, just as he did now, just as he had for months, even while he died a little inside each and every day.

So Sam had had her own moments too, just like Daniel and Teal'c and, although he'd known it would be hard if the worse ever happened, Jack had continued to deny his feelings. That was until it actually had happened. This time she really had died, and he'd witnessed her apparent horrific demise. That had been almost totally unbearable; just like Charlie, or as similar as he was ever likely to encounter

Berating himself for getting distracted at such a moment, Jack pulled his thoughts back to the here and now and Teal'c touched his arm, indicating a door off to the left of Connelly and Peters. Ed James was entering the room.

"What are you two guys bickering about now?" he asked his co-conspirators, approaching rapidly. Looking down at the man on the gurney, he puckered his nose. "Another failure, huh?" Wordlessly, he walked over to a cabinet close by and prepared a syringe, injecting what Jack took to be morphine into the man's arm. "Instead of arguing about it, why didn't you just do it?"

At least one of them was vaguely humanitarian. Jack found himself perversely pleased that the man was Ed James. Maybe Sam's ex wasn't all bad and she might find that comforting to know. Once again his mind wandered a little, trying to picture her dating the man, happy, laughing, and smiling, as well as kissing, cuddling and making love. It wasn't fair; it should have been him!

"Look, let's leave the poor guy in peace. There's nothing more we can do here tonight," James said.

"While he's alive we might still get some results that could help, Ed," Peters replied.

"Well you knock yourself out, Rick. We aren't getting any more out of him while he's still alive because he's dead."

"You gave him enough to kill him?" Peter's asked.

"He's suffered enough."

"You always were too soft, Ed,"

"And you always were a jerk, Rick."

"I hope you don't go soft when you meet that Carter woman tomorrow."

"I won't."

"I thought you were pretty hot on her, Ed."

"Cut it out, Rick!"

"Broke your heart, did she?" Peters countered nastily.

"Screw you, Peters! You couldn't be more wrong."

"Peters is right, James," Connelly intervened, "you'd better be able to handle her. We don't want any mistakes tomorrow. We can't afford to have that woman running around loose. She's still in Vegas and, at the moment, it seems she hasn't had the chance to tell anyone anything about us. That could change real soon."

Jack was pleased to hear that the men had been fooled. So far so good. He was beginning to wonder if they needed to carry out that part of the plan at all. There was probably enough evidence within these rooms to sink several large conspiracies and he would have to mull that one over. Perhaps they should call in the cavalry.

"You don't need to worry about Sam Carter. She's crazy about me. Putty in my hands," James replied.

Jack squirmed a little at those words but Sam had denied it and he couldn't really think of any reason she should lie to him about that.

"Yeah, sure. That's why she stopped seeing you, I suppose," Peters inserted.

"We both had our reasons." James retorted defensively

'Yeahsureyabetchya,' thought Jack, 'you mean she had her reasons, you prick!'

Jack thought it sounded pretty much like Sam had broken Ed James's heart. He knew how that felt although his own reactions might have been different. As he'd told her, that made her ex a dangerous man, at least for her. He'd have to keep a special eye on the guy next day. The three men in the next room weren't the only ones who didn't want to make any mistakes. Sam was putting her neck on the block and Jack wasn't about to be the person who let it get chopped off.

"Will you two knock it off?" Connelly interrupted. "We're all behaving like a bunch of kids. We need to stick together right now. No mistakes." He covered the dead man's face with a sheet, "Come on. Let's get out of here and get some rest. We all need it. You can tear this guy apart tomorrow looking for clues." The other two men nodded in acquiescence and the three started to leave, turning the lights out behind them.

It had been quiet and still for around 10 minutes before Jack indicated that they move out from their hiding place and take a look around. He made his way towards the dead man on the gurney while Teal'c started to peruse the rest of the room. Uncovering the man's face, a look of horror appeared on his own.

"Oh god!" he exclaimed, "Poor Sap."

The dead man was excessively pale, but red blotches covered large areas of his skin. It looked nasty and painful, and Jack felt a little sick. What the hell were they doing to these men? The people who had done this were cold, calculating and greedy. It was an important thing to know, as is any detail about one's enemy.

Sam believed that the conspirators managed to shuffle around the paperwork for these volunteers so it got permanently lost. Nobody seemed to miss them. Maybe they were well chosen for that reason. Then they were probably made to feel like they were going to be heroes if they volunteered. Everyone wants to be a hero given the chance.

"O'Neill," Teal'c called softly and Jack went to join him. In a large space next door lay half a dozen men, clearly more volunteers, asleep or drugged. They were trying to make these men super soldiers? From what Jack had seen he didn't think they were doing so well and he wondered what ridiculous theory they were trying to prove. What was the basis of their experimentation? What made them think they were going in the right direction? Sam would probably understand it all.

"I hope we'll be in time to help those guys," Jack commented and Teal'c nodded in agreement. "Let's keep looking around. This place is huge."

He was surprised to find that they could quite easily get into the room holding the other guinea pigs and they stealthily tiptoed around with revulsion for what they saw.

"I think we need to call in the cavalry to close this place down as soon as possible T," Jack whispered. "these guys need treatment, and there must be enough evidence here to blow this thing sky high."

"Indeed."

"Let's keep looking. There has to be more. And let's keep quiet. There must be a nurse or someone around here. They sure aren't leaving these guys alone all night."

"You are correct O'Neill," but he didn't move and stared thoughtfully at his friend, "I do believe that you are thinking of cancelling Colonel Carter's rendezvous tomorrow."

"I'm considering it. I don't know that it will be necessary."

"But to have their confessions before we capture them would be useful would it not?"

"Sure."

"And would not Colonel Carter resent that she lacked involvement in the capture of these men?" Teal'c added and Jack stared at him silently for a while and nodded.

"Teal'c, have I ever told you that you're a very wise man?" Jack replied eventually and his Jaffa partner showed a hint of a smile and bowed but said nothing. "I thought you guys didn't bow to any man anymore."

"You are someone I deem worthy of such respect O'Neill."

"Hey, thanks T!" Jack smiled and thumped him lightly on the back. "Okay, back to immediate business, huh?"

Jack was beginning to lose interest because he'd more or less decided to call in the hounds next day while still continuing with their part of the plan. Let other people tear this place apart while he and his friends had some fun. Nevertheless, he continued looking because he was there now and might as well. He was pleased that he did because he found something else of supreme importance and it made his blood run cold.

"Teal'c, old buddy, I don't think Connelly's the boss of this thing. Someone else has to be calling the shots."

"What makes you say so, O'Neill?"

"Come take a look. You aren't going to like it. Can't say I do."

The implications of what he had found made his head reel. This was so not good. Who could be behind this conspiracy? The Trust, or someone way more sinister? And why use Area 51 as the base of operations if it could be run elsewhere and raise way less interest? It was a conundrum that he was determined to resolve.

When Teal'c joined Jack and saw what he saw, his eyes widened with surprise, his mind immediately considering the connotations of the discovery.

"That's how I know it's someone else," Jack said, "I can't say I know many people who can lay their hands on a tank full of fresh young symbiotes, and Connelly certainly isn't one of them."

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

Title: Learning to Live With It Part 10

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: See bio

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, Romance

Content Level: Age 13+

Content Warnings: Minor use of mild language

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: Affinity, Threads, General S9 spoilers

Summary: Left to their own devices in his house, Sam and Jon talk about Jack

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Learning to Live With It Part 9

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2006 Su Freund

Art Credit: The lovely book cover that illustrates this fic on my site was created by Fulinn28 from one of my favourite promo shots of Sam, so many thanks to her for that. I so love this pic and had to use it somewhere! If you want to see it, go visit the site at the address above.

Author's Note: Many thanks to Bonnie for beta reading this fic and pointing out some of the problems with consistency in my narrative. It just proves that one takes things for granted when writing a fic. The fact that you understand it doesn't mean other people will! Any remaining mistakes, of course, are entirely down to me.

**Learning to Live With It Part 10**

"So you figure that Ed James guy thinks you trust him?" Jon asked Sam once they were alone at Jack's and settled down.

"I think so. He thinks he'll catch me flat footed when quite the reverse is true."

"Was it a steamy affair?" he asked curiously, thinking that he could get away with asking what Jack probably wouldn't have the nerve to ask.

"What?" she retorted, surprised by that question.

"You and this Ed James guy."

"Jon!"

"Hey, just curious."

"We went on a few dates, that's all!" she said emphatically.

"And?"

"And nothing. That's it."

In Sam's opinion, a little white lie would do no harm. What she said was true, but there had been a bit more to it than mere dating. Jon took her words to mean that she'd never had sex with the man and was undecided whether to reveal that little morsel to Jack.

"Why did you split?"

"He was fun, I liked him, but…"

"But?" when she didn't respond, he pressed, "it wouldn't have anything to do with you and Jack, would it?"

"Of course not!" she denied vehemently, a little too vehemently, Jon thought.

"So what happened with you and Jack, Sam?"

"I'm not sure I want to talk about that, particularly with you of all people."

"I'm not Jack."

"As good as."

"You never broke my heart, Sam. Nothing ever happened between us. I'm not Jack anymore. Things have changed."

"Nothing happened between us? Sure, not like you mean, but plenty happened."

"Too much history? Was that the problem with Jack? Colonel Jack, General Jack ex-CO Jack. Is that it?" Sam eyed him, surprised by his insight.

"Something like that." She sighed deeply wondering whether she should take this younger version of Jack into her confidence. How would he react to what she said? Would it provide an insight into how Jack might respond?

"I wasn't ready for Jack," she continued. "If I had realised that before we started dating, I would never have let anything happen between us right then. I would have waited. But I longed so much for us to give it a shot that I didn't realise I wasn't ready until it was too late. I never wanted to hurt him, Jon, but I had no choice. The timing sucked."

"Didn't it always?" he smiled.

"Now he'll never forgive me, or understand."

"Maybe you underestimate him."

"You think? I doubt it. You of all people know Jack. I-I think he's still in love with me Jon, and I know I'm still in love with him."

Jon sighed and stared at her silently for a while, wondering whether she would reveal more detail of how she had felt back then.

"You might have some trouble convincing Jack that you love him. He's still hurting bad, and trying hard to suppress and hide from his feelings, as always," he said eventually. 'Don't I know what that's like?' he added, but only in thought. 'Who would know better than me?'

"I know it won't be easy, if it's even possible. I don't know what to do. He can be so stubborn and unforgiving."

"He's helping you now, isn't he?"

"He would never refuse me that, no matter what. That doesn't mean that he will ever risk his heart with me again."

"No. I guess you're right on both counts. I'm not going to push it, Sam, but if you want to talk about it, try me."

"That's a pretty un-Jack like thing to say."

"Is it? Maybe. Yeah, we're both pretty crap at that kind of stuff, although I have learned a bit as Jon, ya know, and I don't have the history that you shared after I was cloned."

"Things must have been hard for you over the last couple of years or so," she replied.

"Don't turn this around to try talking about me."

"I'm interested."

"Sure."

"I am!"

"Yeah? Well I guess I'm more interested in finding Jack the peace and happiness he so wanted with you. I'm certainly never going to get it, am I?"

They stared at each other for a while with mutual understanding. Sam could understand why Jon didn't want to talk about himself. It must be way too hard. He'd lost everything and everyone he had ever known, including hope of any kind of life with her.

"Is that what he wanted? Peace and happiness with me?" She asked, having reached the silent agreement not to press Jon about his own thoughts and feelings.

"It's what he yearned for, yes. He never thought he would get it, but it didn't stop the dream."

"Jon, I…"

"Don't, please. Forget I was ever him."

"That isn't easy."

"No I guess it's not."

They both sat in silent contemplation for a while, each wondering what the other was thinking.

"I yearned for that too," Sam said, eventually.

"Peace and happiness with Jack?"

"Yeah. It seemed like an impossible dream. Then when it became possible I screwed it up."

"Because you tried too soon?"

"Yes, I think so. Neither of us could get past the CO / subordinate thing. It was never as comfortable as I wanted. I couldn't deal with it. It was too soon after my father's death, and after Pete.

"Your father's death? Jacob died?" Jon was stunned by that revelation, "I'm so sorry Sam. I always liked him, although I know that sometimes it might not have seemed that way."

"He always liked y-Jack too."

Jon sadly thought about Jacob's death for a while and then turned to her curiously.

"Pete?"

"He was my fiancé."

"W-what? You got engaged?" His eyes widened with surprise at that. She'd got engaged to another man despite her feelings for Jack? That was crazily dumb.

"We were planning the wedding and everything."

"I bet that made Jack a real happy camper," he commented sarcastically.

"He never told me what he thought, not really."

"He didn't try to fight for you?"

"No. How could he? He was my CO. I wanted him to though. If he had said…" she tailed off thoughtfully.

"If Jack had said something you wouldn't have done it?"

"I guess. When I showed him the ring after Pete asked me, he-he didn't react the way I wanted."

"Declare undying love for you, you mean? Beg you not to do it? Did you really expect Jack to do that?"

"I-I hoped for… something."

"So you were going to marry this Pete guy because Jack wasn't available, or not making himself available? Some basis for a marriage, Sam."

"I know. But I did love Pete, in my own way, and was happy too, I thought. I yearned for normality and it seemed like I was going to get it. I took a while to realise that it was all wrong."

"On so many levels, for crying out loud!" Sam looked at Jon sharply when he said that, sounding just like Jack. "No wonder Jack is pissed. You could date this guy and not date him? That kinda rubs salt into the wound, Sam."

"I never thought of it like that."

"No, why would you? Take it from me, it's one of the things he's thinking. It just makes things worse."

"Aw, crap!"

"Well, it's something to bear in mind when you try talking to him, Sam. You are going to try talking to him aren't you?"

"Yes, once this is all over, yes. Think I can persuade him to try again?"

"I don't know, but leave it a few days before you try. Let him think about it for a while; think about you."

"Okay. I'll take any advice you can offer. I need it."

"Not an easy man to get through to and don't I know it?" he grinned. "So what changed your mind about this guy you were engaged to? Jack?"

"Pete; his name was Pete. Um, not deliberately Jack. It was a combination of things, really; Jack, my father and Pete himself."

Jon said nothing, simply arching an eyebrow Jack style and waiting for her to continue if she wanted to. She did.

"Dad obviously thought Pete was wrong for me and had expected me to try with Jack. It got me thinking. He said I could have everything I wanted, implying that I shouldn't settle for second best; regs be damned. He was right."

"Your dad was routing for you and Jack?"

"I think so."

"Cool!" Jon grinned, pleased with that disclosure, and Sam giggled. "And?" he prompted.

"Pete, well he was just way too much. He put a down payment on a house and was talking about getting a dog and… I realised that it wasn't what I wanted. Not with him. It kind of hit me out of the blue. He was taking over my life. It's my life! It made me start thinking that it probably wouldn't work. That was one of my problems with Jack. I was too used to taking his orders, I needed to learn to be my own person without him, Jon. Does that make sense?"

"Umm… kind of."

"Do you think Jack would understand it?"

"Maybe, or maybe I'm too different now to know anymore."

"But you are so like Jack that it, well, it's pretty damned strange."

"Am I? Is it?" he shrugged, "I'm not sure I can do anything about that. Sorry."

"I guess it must be kind of weird for you too, sitting here having this conversation with me."

"It has a hint of weirdness, yeah," he smiled, the same lopsided smile that Jack wore, the same deep dark brown eyes looking into hers. Hastily, she looked away. "So what did Jack do to contribute to all this thinkin'?" Jon asked, trying to get them past those uncomfortable thoughts and on to some other ones. He was determined to focus on Sam and Jack.

"H-he met someone else."

"He did? Who? What was she like?"

"She was very beautiful, very unlike me. Beautiful long red hair and-and…"

"Nice! Good for Jack!"

"That really shocked me. I'd lost him. He'd given up on me."

"Can you blame him? You were making plans to marry another guy. Go figure!"

"And then dad died. Jack was so… so Jack. He was there for me. He said he'd always be there for me. He never had to say anything else, just be there. It was enough, and way more than I deserved."

"Touching," Jon commented with a hint of sarcasm. Sam peered at him through narrowed eyes.

"Yes it was actually."

"So you dumped Pete?"

"Yes."

"Poor sap."

"He never stood a chance, not when stacked up against Jack."

"So Jack asked you out? I'm surprised he finally did it."

"Are you?"

"Sure. He always was a yellow belly about stuff like that."

"Really?"

"Jeez, Sam, how well do you really know Jack? You think that cocky guy is like that through and through? You know better than that."

"He certainly hides his depths well."

"You betchya. You should have seen how long it took him to pluck up courage to ask Sara out. And then when he asked her to marry him? Oh man!"

"I always thought he had a way with women."

"Did you? Well he does, when he doesn't care so much, but when he cares… well, that's different. I bet he was crapping himself when he asked."

"He made it sound casual. A drink after work one day."

"Yeah, that sounds like him."

Sam was surprised by Jon's revelation. Jack had seemed far from nervous when he asked, in fact he'd come over as confident, as if he knew what he was doing, and this was one of the things that had scared her. She was far from confident, and hadn't a clue what she was doing. Perhaps if he had shown how he really felt things would have been different between them.

She knew that Jack wasn't as brash as he pretended and that the front hid the things he wanted it to. Having worked with him for all those years she hadn't failed to notice that Jack was not always what he seemed. They had been too close for her to miss the real Jack showing a little beneath that often-steely surface. On that occasion, however, she had been completely taken in by his act. What a fool! She should have guessed it, but she hadn't. It gave her even more to think about.

"What do you think Jon? Any hope for me?" she asked.

"I don't know. I sure hope so because hope for you is hope for him."

"You think he's given up hope?"

"And faith and charity."

"Poor Jack."

"Don't pity him, for crying out loud. You know how much he'd hate that?"

"Yes."

"Don't let him turn you down, Sam. Go for it. Try, and keep trying. Love him, and show him you do. It's what he wants more than anything. Not sure he knows it, or fully accepts it, but it is. I know it."

"How do I show him?"

"You'll think of a way. Grind him down until he surrenders to you."

"Jack surrender? Seems unlikely."

"He will. It might take some time, but he will. Just tell him the truth, tell him how you feel and how you felt. And keep telling him."

"If he'll let me."

"He'll be conflicted about that, Sam. Make that work for you."

"You know, I can't believe I'm sitting here having this conversation with you."

"With Jack's clone? If you closed your eyes could you think I was him?"

"Jon…"

He coughed uncomfortably and got up.

"Wanna beer? Coffee?" he said to deflect from his own conflicted feelings. Sam understood what he was trying to do and played along.

"Beer, Jon, thanks. Getting a bit late for coffee."

He returned with two beers from Jack's refrigerator and Sam asked him about high school, and college, his friends and hobbies. They avoided the subject of his past, and hers, or any talk of the future.

"Before I go to bed I think I'll go clear up in the kitchen," Sam said. "The guys left a mess."

"You don't have to do it."

"Jack's not here to do it himself."

"Do you clean up all his messes?"

"I wish I could."

He watched her walk away and could hear her rattling things around in the kitchen. Following her, he stood in the doorway watching for a while. She could feel his eyes on her but pretended she didn't.

"Can I help?" he offered after a while.

"Nearly done. Dammit is there a knack to this dishwasher? I can't get it working."

"For crying out loud, he still never got a new one? I'll show you."

As Jon brushed against Sam to bend over the washer, she grasped his hand, forcing him to turn and face her, and then she kissed him. At first he was so shocked he failed to react, but then he reached a hand up to hold her head, and wrapped one arm around her, pulling her close. The kiss was long and sensual and when they finally pulled apart they stared into each other's eyes for a long moment before Jon tore his gaze away.

"You shouldn't have done that," he said. "I'm not him, not anymore, and I'm way too young for you. Y-you… Christ, why did you do that?"

"I'm sorry. I-I…"

"That was… that was so unfair, Sam."

"I'm so sorry, Jon."

"I think I'd better go to bed." He walked to the door and turned. "My advice? Never, ever tell Jack that you did that. Never." Then he was gone.

Sam cursed her stupidity. Now she had hurt Jon, just as she'd hurt Jack. In that moment, when she kissed him, she had wanted him because he was Jack. The problem was, he wasn't Jack, and she had caused him pain because he knew it and knew why she had done it.

Returning to the living room and sitting on the couch, pulling her knees up to her chin and wrapping her arms around her legs, Sam wept silently. Meanwhile, Jon stalked angrily around the bedroom, cursing under his breath. He should never have let her do that. It was his fault. Sam was feeling vulnerable. Jon was as good as Jack at finding ways to blame himself.

Deciding to make peace before he kept himself awake all night with guilt and worry, Jon returned to the living room and found Sam sobbing.

"Sam?" he said quietly, "Sam, don't do that, please don't do that." He crouched in front of her, "C'mere," he said, and just like Jack O'Neill would have, took her into his arms and held her close. Later, he made her go to bed and tucked her in, watching until he knew she was asleep. Again, just like Jack would do, and had done the previous night, Jon bent to kiss her head and smooth her hair before leaving the room, going to bed, and falling into a restless slumber.

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

Title: Learning to Live With It Part 11

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: See bio

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, Romance

Content Level: Age 13+

Content Warnings: Minor use of mild language

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: Abyss, Ex-Deus Machina and general S9 spoilers

Summary: Apparently alone, Sam arrives in Vegas for her rendezvous with Ed James but, unbeknown to him, she is far from being unaided.

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Learning to Live With It Part 10

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2006 Su Freund

Art Credit: Thanks to Fulinn28 for making the great book cover that illustrates this fic on my site from a cap of Jack and Sam. You can see it on my site at the address above.

Author's Note: Bonnie did a wonderful job of beta reading this fic, as ever, and picking up some of my dumb mistakes, particularly the use of UK, rather than US, English expressions. Thanks Bonnie! Of course, any remaining mistakes are entirely my own.

**Learning to Live With It Part 11**

"Beam me up Scotty," Jack said into the communication device, chortling happily to himself and thinking it was a pity no one was around to share the joke. Teal'c would have loved it.

Almost simultaneously, Jack, Sam, Daniel, Teal'c and Jon appeared aboard Thor's ship in a bright beam of light, each from their own separate locations.

"Hey, kids, long time no see," joked Jack as he saw his friends.

"Scotty, O'Neill?" Thor asked and, guessing what Jack had given as a signal, three of Jack's friends laughed and Teal'c grinned.

"It's from a TV show, Thor," Jack clarified, leaving Thor as puzzled as before, although he thought he heard the Asgard mutter something unintelligible. "Bang on time, buddy. Hey, maybe Teal'c will lend you his Star Trek DVDs," he quipped with a smile "You okay Sam?" he asked, turning towards her.

Sam nodded with a weak grin. She wasn't necessarily looking forward to her encounter with Ed James but it was necessary and she hoped she could pull it off without screwing up. It was Jack who did covert; that was his area of expertise, not hers.

Jack glanced at Teal'c wondering whether or not to tell the group about their antics the previous night. At around the same time that Sam was meeting Ed James, a larger group were going to descend on the facilities in Area 51 and tear it all apart.

Having contacted Landry on a secure line, they'd arranged for it to happen and also made plans to ensure there were no leaks leading up to the fateful hour. Quickly deciding to delay telling them until after Sam's rendezvous, he got straight down to business. Teal'c, as usual, would say nothing and Thor had promised not to mention it unless O'Neill did. Jack didn't want to distract the others from the main game. He wasn't taking any chances.

His unofficial actions the previous night had left Jack feeling exhilarated. It had been good to be out doing something again instead of paper pushing. Admittedly, the job was more than simply paperwork, but Jack missed the action: the excitement, the adrenalin rush and the satisfaction.

Thus he was looking forward to their little adventure. Although he didn't think it would be up to his usual high standards of terrifyingly invigorating danger, it was still going to be a lot of fun. Assuming that everything went right, of course, and there was always the risk that it wouldn't. This was the threat that nagged him, and made it so potentially perilous. The biggest risk was to Sam and he had to admit that he didn't like that much.

"Okay, we've got about fifteen minutes. Any questions about the plan?" Jack asked, searching their faces. The friends remained mute. "Fine, let's test out the equipment, huh, Thor?"

"I assure you, O'Neill, that such a thing is not required," asserted Thor. "The equipment is, as you might say, peachy."

The non-Asgard contingent struggled to keep their faces straight and Jack nodded towards Jon who opened the bags Jack and Teal'c had brought away from Cheyenne Mountain, little realising that some of their contents had been used the previous night.

He handed a zat to everyone but Sam. She would be the most exposed of all of them and would take a gun but Jack didn't think that was going to do her any good. Once they got her alone, the first thing they would do was disarm her and check for a wire. It bothered Jack a lot, despite that he had improved considerably upon her plan. If anything happened to her… he wouldn't allow himself to contemplate that.

"Okay, you ready to go?" he looked at Sam.

"As I'll ever be," she responded.

"You'll do fine, Sam. We're right behind you watching your six. Be careful down there."

"Yes sir," she said, raising a small salute, which Jack returned, and then he nodded at Thor and Sam was gone. She was in Vegas.

Thor activated a viewer and the friends watched her on screen. The whole thing was now being recorded for posterity, and Thor could have the others down there right next to her in seconds. Jack hoped it was quick enough. Conveniently, their diminutive grey friend has also recorded Jack and Teal'c's little night time excursion, which might come in useful for evidence, or to exert pressure on the conspirators. People could give up a great deal information when they believed you had a lot on them already.

Stepping out of the quiet and empty alleyway to which Thor had sent her, Sam walked the couple of blocks towards the bar where she was due to meet Ed James. When she got there, he was already waiting.

"Sam!" he exclaimed when he saw her, getting up and giving her a peck on the cheek, all smiles.

"Ed, thanks for agreeing to meet me," she said, thinking, 'hypocrite.'

"Drink?" Ed asked.

"Just coffee for me thanks. I'm tired enough already." Sam replied and Ed ordered coffee for both of them, eyeing Sam.

"You're looking pretty good for a dead woman," Sam grimaced in response, "What's going on Sam?"

"Ed, I found some evidence that there are unauthorised experiments taking place at Groom Lake."

"What?" Ed looked the picture of innocent shock, "what kind of experiments?"

"Think super soldier."

"Super soldier? Isn't that CIA / conspiracy theory territory?" he laughed.

"I'm serious, Ed."

"Sam, it sounds kind of crazy."

"Why so?"

"Good question. I guess with your experience you know more about this kind of stuff than me. Any idea who's involved?"

"Ellis and Peters."

"Rick? I play golf with him!"

"And Connelly."

"Connelly? Sam…"

"I think they're setting you up as a patsy, Ed."

"Me? Whoa! Give me a minute for it to sink in." he paused, looking thoughtfully at Sam. "it's kind of hard to get your head around. What's the evidence?"

"I have some, but not here."

"Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I do. Why else would I be here? I need you to take the evidence to Doyle, or maybe somewhere outside the facility."

"You think Doyle's clean?"

"I don't know for sure."

"Then who the hell do we trust? Why haven't you been to someone with it?"

"I've been running scared and didn't know what to do. Christ, Ed, they killed my best friend thinking it was me!" Sam sobbed.

"I'm sorry baby." He moved closer to Sam, putting his arm around her in a gesture of comfort. Jack cringed inwardly as he watched, wondering once again exactly how close these two had got and mentally kicking himself to concentrate on the job. Now was so not the time to lose it.

"What about your beloved General O'Neill? Why haven't you been to see him? You never stopped talking about the guy when we were together." It was Sam's turn to cringe, knowing that Jack was listening in. Jon looked over at Jack, noting the impassivity of his expression and wondering what he was thinking.

Jon's own mind was still slightly befuddled by what had happened the previous night. Sam's kiss had been real hot, but had broken his heart. He understood only too well that there was nothing there for him; the moment had been an aberration, borne from unusual circumstances.

Sam's heart was elsewhere, as had been very clear from their conversation. And Jon had resigned himself to that a long time ago, or so he'd thought. Recent events had muddied the waters. It's easy to believe you've moved on and accepted things until they are staring you in the face, and when they are eating that face it just made it all the harder. Sheesh!

Despite his own still powerful feelings for Samantha Carter, Jon genuinely wished for both Jack and Sam to be happy – together. He probably should be envious of Sam's feelings for the older version of him, and he was, and he probably should resent Jack for being within reach of something he could never have, and he did - kind of. His mixed feelings about it weren't very helpful.

Alone together in Jack's house that morning, things had been more than a little awkward between them. Sam's kiss the previous night had disturbed both of them and she'd been contrite, and mortified that she'd done something so stupidly hurtful. Jon had made light of it, belying the still tumultuous feelings that lurked deep within. He understood what had happened although that didn't make it right or feel any better. Jon knew that her actions had not been deliberate and they had to get over it and move on, so he acted like he had so that she could.

Secretly, he was pleased that Sam had confided in him. She had revealed what lay in her heart. While he found that hard to take, deep down he'd already known, and felt privileged that she'd chosen to tell him. That meant a great deal to Jon and, in the absence of her love, it meant more than anything.

Like his older clone, he would always be there for her if she needed him, no matter what. When Jack had called, Jon had gone running, believing Sam dead and wanting to avenge her. But she wasn't dead, and seeing her again so unexpectedly had stirred feelings in him that he believed he'd relinquished. Some hope of that! On the other hand, one of these days he'd meet someone else and get another shot. He was confident of that.

Meanwhile, he'd do his bit towards helping the "real" Jack be happy, and he'd remain Jon, with everything that entailed: good, bad and indifferent. That was life and he had to both live it, and learn to live with it.

Jon gave himself a mental shake, trying to turn his thoughts away from all of that to concentrate on the mission, just like he knew Jack would be doing. Plenty of time to stew over all of it after they'd caught the bad guys.

"'I'm not sure I can trust him anymore, Ed," Sam said in response to James's question about Jack. "He took our break up kind of personally."

'Damned right!' thought Jack.

"Okay, so I think you ought to show me this evidence, don't you?" Ed continued, "before I go screaming to Doyle, or anyone else for that matter."

"I will, Ed, I will."

"I need a little more than just your word, Sam."

"You don't trust me?"

"Rick Peters is a good friend of mine, and you're asking me to believe he's some kind of traitor. As for Ellis, he's a jerk."

"Well it's either him, or it's you… and he's a patsy. Oh crap!" swore Sam as if that thought had only just occurred to her.

"Such a trusting soul, huh, Sam? I got a gun pointed at you under this table, so I suggest you don't make any sudden moves."

Sam was thinking that was such a cliché, although it was pretty amusing. She was enjoying herself tremendously, relieved to be doing something positive after all the traumas of the past few days. Taking action was a real boost to her previously flagging spirits.

"You? Oh, Ed… Jeez, Ed, why the heck are you doing it?"

Jack smirked. Sam was doing a fine job of playacting and he was pretty sure that she was enjoying herself. He hoped it stayed that way.

"Money, Sam. Lots of it," Ed continued, "or there will be. Use alien technology, biology and chemistry to create something that any government worth its salt would pay dearly for. Maybe even our own."

"God am I glad I was never serious about you."

"Didn't stop you sleeping with me, though, did it? Admit it, the sex was pretty damned great."

Sam could feel her face flush. She was so busted! Jack had to find out like that? She so hadn't wanted him to know and now it was out in the open where she knew it would get buried into his psyche and nag at him. Ed James had just made things a whole lot worse and her hopes for a reconciliation with Jack diminished.

Meanwhile, Jack was hoping that his reaction didn't show to the others because he was pretty sure they'd all glanced at him when Sam had uttered those words. Unmoving, he kept his eyes firmly fixed on the screen until he felt their glances fall away, all except for one pair, which he was betting belonged to Jon. Then he felt them slip away too and managed to relax a little.

She had slept with this Ed James guy yet they had never made it that far when they'd been together. That was a severe blow to Jack's already beleaguered ego. He'd believed that he had meant more to her than that, despite everything. She had never been serious about Ed James, but had still slept with him. What did that say for the relationship between Sam and him?

Jack's thoughts did nothing to help mend his shattered self-esteem, especially as Sam's ex was much younger than him and probably way better looking and more intelligent too, with everything that those facts implied.

Removing his gaze from Jack's face because he knew how uncomfortable the man must feel at that moment, Jon looked back towards the screen considering this situation. He felt bad enough about what Ed James had just said and Jon realised that those feelings must have been amplified tenfold within Jack. Jon's feelings might be different, and he may never have suffered the humiliation of being dumped by Sam, but he still understood what Jack must be going through.

He'd advised Sam to go for it with Jack and never give up but now realised that she was probably going to have to be even more tenacious that he'd implied. Jack could be reasoned with, sure, but that didn't mean that he would be reasonable. Jon was unaware of the full details of Jack and Sam's situation and, if he had been, his doubts might have deepened.

Jack would understand perfectly that Sam had been free to do as she wished and go out or sleep with whomever she wanted to. He knew he didn't own her, that she was her own person, and Jack respected that, Jon was sure of it, but jealousy and self doubt could be a lethal combination and weave a dreadful spell that was hard to break.

Jon felt a twinge of jealousy as well. Bad enough that he envied his older self because he had hope, no matter that he didn't know that yet, but both on paper and in person Ed James appeared to be Sam's perfect match in age and looks, as well as all the science and intellectual stuff they shared in common. That was hard to take and he knew it would be a bitter pill for Jack to swallow too. The upside was that Ed James was an ex, and he was one of the bad guys. That kind of changed things.

He heard himself mutter the words "bad guy" aloud and felt Jack look at him so returned that glance, and they locked eyes for a while, each almost perfectly attuned to what the other was probably thinking, and then they pulled their eyes away, turning back to the screen, and concentrating on the mission.

"Yes," Sam agreed with a heavy sigh and making Jack's heart beat ever faster, "it was good, Ed, but that doesn't mean I can't regret it."

"Is it not enough, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked.

At first Jack wondered what he was referring to and then realised what he meant and turned back to the business at hand, trying to calm his turbulent thoughts and berating himself for caring so much about what she'd done after their break up. The mission was all and, until it was over and Sam was safe, he didn't want to lose concentration.

"Too soon Teal'c," he said evenly, "I'm still hoping we can bag Connelly and Peters, and anyone else they thought to bring along."

"Can we not 'bag' them later on?"

"More would be good, T."

Teal'c was puzzled, and not for the first time, about the strange way in which his Tauri allies dealt with justice, but nodded at O'Neill.

Jack was hoping that they might get some clues to whoever was running this thing. The more he'd considered the symbiotes they'd uncovered, the more he wondered who the main man was. He'd started thinking Goa'uld, and Goa'uld who had access to Earth, so naturally his mind turned to Ba'al.

Not only had Ba'al been hiding on Earth right under their noses but it would be typical of his warped sense of humor to take delight in running an illicit operation right in front of their eyes at Area 51. Ba'al would so love that, and enjoy rubbing O'Neill's nose in it at the first opportunity. O'Neill's command, O'Neill's embarrassment.

Then, of course, there were his clones to consider. Maybe one or two of them were hanging around smelling up Planet Earth and Jack didn't like that idea in any way, shape or form. One was bad enough but… sheesh! The notion of Ba'al clones slightly unnerved him and he tried to avoid thinking about them. It was hard. Jack had suffered badly at Ba'al's hands and he might not talk about it but the memories were bitter and still haunted him at times.

"Right, Sam, I want you to get up from your chair looking normal, okay?" James said.

Sam knew she could have taken him, but that was not the point. He would take her to Connelly and Peters. So she nodded assent and he took her out to a car, telling her to drive where he directed.

"God, I'm so disappointed in you, Ed," Sam said.

"Not half as disappointed as I was in you, sweetheart, except in the sex department, of course."

"Yeah? Well I'm glad I disappointed you, Ed. And maybe the good sex will give you something to dwell on and yearn for when you're rotting in hell!"

"Just shut up and drive. Take the next left."

They pulled up outside a warehouse and got out. Connelly was waiting for them, and Rick Peters stepped out of the shadows. Sam nearly smiled. At least those three were there, although she realised that more people must be involved. The couple of extra men Connelly had laid on were unknown quantities, and that made her slightly nervous. One was bald-headed, stocky and muscular, not someone it looked like you should cross, while the other was lean and wiry with a slightly manic stare.

"Thor, can you check the immediate area for life signs other than those we can see?" Jack asked.

"I can, O'Neill. There are none."

"No surprises. That's good," he breathed a sigh of relief, "five of them, five of us. I'd say the odds were in our favor,"

"Well, technically speaking Jack…" Daniel started.

"Yes, Daniel, I know. But we're SG-1! And we have the element of surprise." He smiled briefly at his old friend but quickly turned back to the screen, not wanting to miss an appropriate cue.

"Connelly," Sam said. "And I see you brought some friends."

"So good to see you again Colonel Carter. Frisk her and check for a wire. Then tie her to the chair."

The wiry man did exactly that, quickly finding her gun, but no signs of surveillance equipment.

"So you really are alone, huh, Carter?" Connelly said. "I never took you for a dumb blonde. I know there's no General O'Neill or SG-1 to help you. O'Neill's back in Washington, the others are nowhere near Nevada. We've got you all to ourselves," he smiled cruelly. Sam thought he was way too cocky, but that had signalled the downfall of many a man. Jack smiled, feeling pretty cocky himself because their ruse had worked.

"It was you who arranged the car bomb, wasn't it?" she accused.

"Planted it myself, actually. Not my best work. What a mess. You should be dead. Not only did I get the wrong woman but the bomb didn't go off as planned. Must have screwed the wiring. Out of practice, I guess. But what the hell, you're here now. I'm sure we can arrange an appropriate accident."

"Money mean so much to you that no one gets in your way, huh?"

"You should have stayed in Colorado Springs, Carter, and kept your nose out of our business. Don't know how you found out what we were doing though, and that I really wanna know. We've gone too far to back away now. This project will be worth a lot of money to us when it's completed, and we're getting there, aren't we boys? We are this close," he indicated with his finger and thumb. Jack glanced at Teal'c and both men clearly thought otherwise. "So where's the evidence, Carter? What is it and what have you done with it?"

"It's in a safe place."

"And you are going to tell me where that safe place is."

"I don't think so."

"Then you're going to live your last hours in a lot of pain."

"Aren't you going to tell me more about your plans for global domination? They do that in all the best movies."

Sam wanted more than they already had on tape and thought it was worth a try. These global domination types liked to show off, at least they did in movies. Jack found himself chuckling. It was a form of tension release. Sam as James Bond and Connelly as Ernst Blofeld. It really wasn't very funny.

"Well, we're all friends here. I've got time on my hands." Connelly smiled and Sam wondered if he was really going to fall for it. "Rick and Ed are really quite clever, you know. We used to go to college together. Strange that we should all end up in the same place at the right time, don't you think?"

Sam was taken aback. He really had fallen for it? This was too easy. When was the other shoe going to fall?

"I'm guessing you arranged that," Sam prompted.

"Of course. I knew they'd go for the idea, and I got an offer I couldn't refuse from an interested party." Sam's ears pricked up at that. So Connelly wasn't the big cheese after all. She wondered who was. The Trust? "And we had access to the resources to achieve something wonderful; something that a lot of countries would pay top dollar for, although we already have a buyer in mind. An army of mercenaries who are fitter, stronger, faster and more deadly accurate than anyone else's. Who wouldn't like to achieve that goal?"

"You really think you'll be able to control these super humans once you have created them? Are you out of your mind, Connelly? Don't you ever watch sci-fi on TV?"

"We're working on that too," Connelly continued, "Imagine it, Carter, a whole bunch of enhanced humans to do your bidding. We're managing to do what the Goa'uld never achieved. Their super soldiers were not far from being mindless automatons, but ours…? They'll be thinking, ultra intelligent beings, much stronger and faster than normal people. They will kick ass."

"And you're close to achieving that goal?"

"Close, yes, but we have a way to go yet. Tests have been, shall we say, unpredictable."

"Tests? You've tested this on people?" she was horrified at that thought even while she had guessed it was happening.

"What else would you propose? We are talking about human DNA here. DNA, drugs and, well, lets just say other things - a cocktail of changes to a human body, and mind. The Nevada Desert makes a great place to bury our failed experiments."

Connelly seemed very matter of fact about the notion that they had killed people with their experimentation and Sam suddenly felt sick. She already had a good idea who their test subjects were and how they covered up any deaths, which was one of the clues that had tipped her to their little game in the first place, but she'd hoped she was wrong about that.

"People have died? How the hell have you kept it all secret?" she asked.

"It's all in the paperwork, and the inbuilt secrecy surrounding projects at Area 51. I'm in the perfect position to keep it secret," he grinned, "but I must have made some mistakes. I need to know what they were, Carter, so I can correct them, and you are going to tell me."

"As I said, I don't think so. Who you working for Connelly? The Trust? You haven't got the brains to have thought this one up by yourself."

"The Trust? Pah!" he exclaimed dismissively. "You think I'd tell you?

"Worried I might escape and tell tales?" she jeered, hoping to goad him into revealing more but it didn't work. Connelly merely smiled.

"I'm going to enjoy watching you suffer. You like pain, Samantha Carter?" he said after a lengthy pause.

"Not really."

"Then choose to die quickly."

She looked defiant and Connelly nodded to the stocky man, who hit Sam hard round the face.

"Right, that's it. That's enough," Jack declared.

"Jack we don't know who Connelly is working for, who else is involved…" Jon said.

"I don't give a damn, Jon, do you? We can get to all of that later. That's Sam down there." Jon nodded and Jack signalled to Thor.

"If that's your best shot, you're going to have to try harder," Sam said.

"I have a few instruments of torture my friends might want to try out. Mason is great with his fists," he referred to the stocky man "but Smith here is a master craftsman."

He indicated the wiry man. No wonder his stare seemed so malevolent and crazy; the man was a torturer. Sam shuddered, thankful that Jack and the others were listening in and watching. Connelly smiled again. He seemed to like smiling when he was delivering bad news. He nodded to Mason, who pulled back his bunched fist to provide maximum thrust.

"I so wouldn't do that if I were you," Jack said, appearing like an apparition.

"O'Neill?" Connelly cried in surprise, hastily pulling out a gun and shooting him. The bullet sailed right on through because Jack wasn't really there. Not yet. He was a holographic projection.

"If you lay another finger on Colonel Carter, I will break it off," Teal'c said, appearing in front of Mason, who had paused his attack from surprise. He swung his punch at Teal'c, and his fist hit nothing because nothing was there. The force behind his blow made him lose his balance and topple over.

"O'Neill, you can't be here. You're in Washington!" Connelly fired another bullet.

"Wouldn't waste your ammo, Connelly. You're right, I'm not really here." The apparition disappeared, "on the other hand," his voice said from behind Connelly, "now I am."

Jack struck Connelly a blow and the man staggered but turned to meet his tormentor. Meanwhile, the other three men had appeared for real. Teal'c dealt quickly with Mason by zatting him and then turning to seek another foe. Jon took Smith with a nasty blow to the solar plexus, and then zatted him for good measure. Daniel dealt with Rick Peters, who didn't even try to put up a fight, raising his hands in terrified surrender.

Striking at Connelly's stomach with his foot, Jack watched as the Colonel doubled over, but he still had the gun in his hand and Sam saw him raise it towards Jack. Still tied to the chair, she was helpless to act.

"Jack, gun!" she cried and instead of zatting his opponent, Jack quickly punched him hard in the face, knocking him off his feet and out of the game.

"I'm afraid your plans for global domination will have to wait a few years, Connelly. Ouch!" Jack complained, shaking his hand, "that hurt, dammit."

"Stop, all of you!" cried the voice of Ed James.

The men turned towards the voice. James had taken advantage of the commotion and was holding Sam around the throat with one arm, a gun raised to her temple with the other.

"Now you are going to find me a way out of this, or she dies," he said.

"I don't think you're getting out of this one, you treacherous weasel," Jack responded, wishing he could thump the man very hard indeed.

"I think I've got the upper hand, O'Neill."

"Ya think?"

Jack might have been more worried if good old Thor hadn't been watching their backs. James was a little disoriented and astonished by the beam of bright light and sudden change of surroundings, slightly loosening his grip on Sam who was unable to defend herself, tightly bound to the chair as she was. Then a familiar voice spoke up.

"I am Supreme Commander Thor of the Asgard Fleet. Please release Colonel Carter or I will be forced to kill you, and that would be most unfortunate because I have just had my ship cleaned."

The rest of the room burst out laughing, amused by Thor's very human and humorous demand, and Jack was particularly tickled when a frightened Ed James let go of Sam and he realised that Thor was standing behind the guy with his hand stuck in his back. Teal'c grabbed James and bundled him with the other conspirators.

"Way to go, Thor!" Jack declared with a hearty chuckle thinking the little grey guy had been hanging around humans too long, particularly those with a strange type of humor, like him. "Good joke."

"I am pleased that you enjoyed it, O'Neill. I, too, have watched your television. I have often wondered how that particular technique worked and this was an opportunity to try it. You humans can be a very peculiar people and your culture is most illuminating."

"Some of what you see on TV isn't real you know, old buddy."

"Indeed O'Neill? We must discuss this topic further at a more appropriate time."

"Sure, Thor. Drop round to my place for coffee or a beer sometime and we'll have a little chat," offered Jack with a quirky grin and then he turned to Sam who was smirking, "You okay? Better get those bindings off you, I guess. See? Piece of cake. SG-1 saves the world, again. That just never gets old, does it?"

She smiled brightly and nodded agreement while Jack cut her bindings with his knife. His thoughts strayed as he wondered if this was as close as he would ever get to her again. He had to forget her but couldn't imagine how.

"So, what do we do with these guys, Jack?" Daniel asked, indicating their captives.

"Well we could deliver them back to Groom Lake. Hammond should be there right now with some of the SGC cleaning up after these creeps."

"Hammond?"

"Yeah, brought out of retirement especially to lead the, um how shall I put it, raiding party." Jack felt the hairs of his neck stand on end as all of the others, except Teal'c, turned to glare at him.

"What are you talking about Jack?" Jon asked before the others got a word in.

Jack felt a little uncomfortable because he hadn't told them earlier about their little visit the previous night, or the subsequent plans he'd made with Landry. Hammond was chosen to lead because they knew he would be very discreet, and the old war horse was thrilled to be tasked with an assignment that meant getting off his glorified butt and taking some action. Strictly speaking he shouldn't be doing that but then again Jack shouldn't be either.

Jack looked around helplessly, his eyes alighting on Teal'c.

"Um, T, help me out here will ya, big guy?"

The Jaffa warrior arched an eyebrow at O'Neill in slight disbelief but remained silent, amused that his friend, who had withstood many tortures, and even death, appeared to be fearful of informing his team that he'd been keeping them out of the loop.

"Jack, what's going on?" Sam asked this time.

"Well… it might take a bit of explaining. Tell you what, I've changed my mind.

I think we'll deliver these guys to the SGC and then we can interrogate them there when they've had some time to dwell on their predicament," he said hurriedly, trying to avoid the subject.

Daniel and the others all started talking at once, demanding to know what was happening, and Jack threw his hands in the air despairingly. This was giving him a headache. Oy!

"Hey! Keep the noise down. We're guests on this tub!" he shouted and there was silence at last. "Thor, old buddy, wanna drop us off at my place in Colorado Springs? Join us if you like." Turning back to the others he said, "Tell you what kids, we'll be home in Colorado Springs in time for dinner. I'll buy pizzas and beer to celebrate and explain," Jack suggested hopefully, not wishing for this moment with his friends to end quite yet. Having spent way too long stuck behind a desk, he was feeling exuberant after his exploits and wanted to celebrate the taste of victory with his friends. There was time enough to crawl back under his rock later.

"Pizza, O'Neill?" Thor asked, "It looks most interesting on your television."

"If you haven't eaten pizza you haven't lived, Thor. As I said, you can come if you like. My treat. We could even watch some old Star Trek episodes. Bound to be some on TV somewhere. What do you think?"

"To where do you wish me to deliver the prisoners, O'Neill?" Thor replied without answering his question and Jack wondered if he really was going to have an Asgard round for dinner. As for the others, they all needed to unwind before they faced whatever music they had to face next day.

"Patch me through to Landry," Jack decided.

Jack explained to Hank that he was sending him the bad guys for safekeeping. You probably couldn't hope to find a more secure location than underneath Cheyenne Mountain. The two men bantered for a brief time with Landry promising to leave them stewing so Jack could have a crack at the interrogation. Jack liked that notion and couldn't wait to get into Connelly's face. After the prisoners were dispatched, Thor spoke up.

"I shall deliver you all to your house O'Neill."

"You coming, Thor?"

"Unfortunately, I must return to my own galaxy for a council meeting, but another time, O'Neill," he declined, which Jack had to admit was a little disappointing because he kind of liked the idea of having an Asgard drop in for pizza.

"Thanks for the help, Thor," he said.

"You are welcome, O'Neill. It has been a most interesting experience and not unlike some of your television shows. We most certainly must discuss this communication medium when I am next available."

"As I said, anytime. Sweet ride, by the way. The only way to travel. Think you could let me have one of those beam up things for my personal use?" Jack kidded and Thor simply stared at him without speaking. "I'm just sayin'."

"Although enjoyable," Thor said, pointedly ignoring Jack's question, "and I am gratified to have been able to assist Colonel Carter, I suggest that our agreed emergency message is…"

"Kept for emergencies?"

"Quite."

"Point taken," Jack replied, thinking that it had been an emergency. It seemed that he and Thor's interpretation of emergency was a little out of synch was all. You betchya. On the other hand, there was that story about the boy who cried wolf. He should bear that in mind. "Okay, well, until the next time, Supreme Commander," he added with a huge grin spread across his face and his hand raised in a small salute. "Meanwhile, next stop, my living room. Thor, old buddy, five to beam down."

O'Neill's companions smiled in amusement and then were enveloped in bright light. Jack was back, if only for a while, and it was good to have him home again.

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

Title: Learning to Live With It Part 12

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: See bio

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, Romance

Content Level: Age 13+

Content Warnings: Minor use of mild language

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: Abyss and general S9 spoilers

Summary: The five friends celebrate their success, but Jack has a lot of explaining to do and is uneasy about the future

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Learning to Live With It Part 11

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2006 Su Freund

Art Credit: Thanks to Fulinn28 for making the book cover that illustrates this fic on my site from a lovely photo of RDA (sigh!) that seemed appropriate for the story. You can see it on my site at the address above.

Author's Note: Many thanks to Bonnie for the helpful comments and corrections she made when beta reading this fic. Any remaining mistakes are entirely my own.

**Learning to Live With It Part 12**

In Jack's opinion their celebrations were way too short-lived. Back at his house the group settled down to a lively and amusing evening with plenty of pizza and far too much alcohol. Jack realised that there would be a lot to face in the morning and relished the idea of taking a crack at interrogating Connelly, but was not looking forward to the potential fall-out from their recent adventure.

Having reached an unspoken agreement to leave the subject alone for a while to allow some time for fun, Daniel, Jon and Sam finally started clamouring for an account of Jack and Teal'c's exploits the previous night and the explanations started. The discovery of symbiotes was a shock to them all.

"We'll know more soon enough, I guess, but your super soldier description might be even more apt than we suspected, Sam," Jack said, "Maybe they were trying to replicate something along the lines of Anubis's drones. Connelly said they were working on the control problem, didn't he?"

"You think the symbiotes were blank canvasses like Anubis used?" Daniel asked.

"How the hell should I know?" Jack retorted, "All snakes look alike to me." Daniel responded with a wry smile.

"But where did they get their snakes?" Jon asked. "You don't exactly find them in your local zoo."

"That's a damned good question, Jon," Jack agreed. "I figure there has to be a big bad Goa'uld out there pulling the strings, and I have my suspicions about whose snakey arrogant butt might be behind this thing."

"Ba'al?" Sam queried.

"Well wouldn't it be just like that son of a bitch to want to pull that off right under my nose and with our own resources? He'd do it especially to spite me. Some of these snakeheads just won't take the hint and die. It's damned annoying."

Wincing at the memory of his captivity in Ba'al's fortress, Jon regarded Jack seriously, imagining how pissed he must be to suspect his nemesis was still up to mischief. Bile rose in his throat as he recalled the torture he'd suffered at Ba'al's sadistic hands and he shuddered internally at the thought of waking up in that sarcophagus once again, only to have to face more agony and anguish. That captivity had scarred him in ways that no one would ever know and Jon wondered what other antics Ba'al had been up to since then.

"Bocca been a pain in the mikta, Jack?" he asked, trying to sound light-hearted.

"You could say that, yes," he replied, a shadow passing over his face, and he got up and walked out into his yard without another word.

The friends exchanged glances and Sam started to get up to follow him but Jon placed a gently restraining hand on her arm and whispered.

"Don't. I'm sorry Sam but you aren't the right person right now."

"Oh!" she exclaimed softly, "I guess not." She looked perturbed by that fact.

"Should we leave him alone?" Daniel asked, eyeing Jon, as he would know better than anyone.

"No, I'll go," Jon offered, figuring that Daniel probably had no memory of his role in those awful events and Jack might not welcome his intervention. Thoughts of Ba'al had clearly disturbed his older self and he perfectly understood why.

Jack was staring up at the stars and Jon stood next to him in silence for a while before he spoke.

"So the old bastard's still around, huh? That must be galling," he said.

"Ya think?"

"Are you okay, Jack?"

"I will be, as usual. You?"

"It stirs up some pretty bad memories."

"Yeah."

Jon realised that Jack probably wouldn't want to talk about all of that so, in an effort to bring him back to the moment said, "I thought we were meant to be celebrating our success."

"It felt really good for a while, to be out there doing something again."

"Pissed off with flying a desk?"

"What do you think? But at least I can still do some good."

"Still taking care of everyone at the SGC?"

"Something like that. You must miss it, Jon."

"Sure I do. My life's real different now. The last few days, since we found out Sam's still alive, they've been good for me too."

"You've missed quite a lot."

"Yeah and I so hate that."

"You would. Look, Jon, I'll come back in soon and be my normal sparkling and sarcastically witty self. You don't have to keep me company."

"Maybe it's me that needs the company. Thought of that?"

"Not really."

"There you go then. I have those memories, Jack. I know I've missed a lot but it doesn't make those any the less real."

"I guess," Jack responded suddenly feeling more sympathetic and turning his face towards Jon's for the first time. Having his younger self stood there right in front of him was disconcerting, like looking in a mirror and seeing a younger and fitter him. It served to remind him of everything he'd lost, including that youth, so made him feel way too old.

Despite that, he could relate to the boy more than many because Jon was him and had lived a lot of bad times for someone who should be enjoying their youth. That must be very disturbing for the youngster. How did he manage his life with that young body and a much older mind? It didn't bear thinking about.

"I'm sorry Jon," Jack said, "I know this must be hard for you."

"Ya think?" Jon said with a grin and both men chuckled.

"How do you do it?" Jack asked and Jon knew exactly what he was referring to.

"I don't know. I just do it because I have to. You know how that goes."

"Oh yeah."

A slightly bitter laugh escaped Jack's mouth. He knew how that went only too well. He'd done and survived a lot, because he'd had to. You lived because you had to. What else was there? Death? You're kidding, right? Jack had gone through many bleak and seemingly hopeless times and, apart from when Charlie had died, and with the other exception of his captivity and torture by Ba'al, he had fought for life with every breath because he didn't want it to be the last.

He remembered his grandpa saying 'you're a long time dead, son', and he'd been absolutely right. You only got one shot and you had to make it count. The thought made Jack ponder some of his regrets and whether he could still make up for them. But some of what he regretted was outside of his control. He couldn't make her love or want him. Damn it! He so didn't want to think about that, but she was sitting right there in his living room. How could he avoid thinking?

A silence had descended between them while both men continued deep in thought, until Jon decided to broach another subject he knew Jack wouldn't be pleased about, but he had to do it. Jon was young enough in body to live a whole new lifetime, so had hopes that his time for love would come one day, but Jack might not get too many more chances and deserved some joy in his later life. It was about time after all the years of pain and emptiness. Her feelings for Jack ignited a joyous spark within Jon because he now understood that Sam genuinely loved him and always had. Jon was Jack so that meant a great deal.

None of those other men had truly touched her heart compared to that. Pete and Ed were an irrelevance. If only Sam could make Jack understand that, they might have a chance and Jack might get that shot at happiness and life he longed for deep down. That is if he'd stop being a stubborn son of a bitch and open his dumb ass Irish eyes.

"Are you going to do anything about Sam?" Jon dared to ask.

"Like what?" Jack snapped back, perturbed because she had been so much in his thoughts when Jon spoke.

"You know what."

"No! That time has passed. I so don't want to talk about it."

"Of course you don't, Jack. I just thought…"

"Don't think. You know it messes with your head."

"It doesn't take much to mess with our heads. I figure Sam is messing up yours big time."

"That's over, Jon. I have to move on."

"But you can't, can you?" Jack didn't reply so Jon pressed on. "I don't think it's over."

"What would you know?"

"More than you think." Jon wasn't about to reveal the conversation that he'd had with Sam while they were alone because it had been private and would be unfair to her to do otherwise, but that fact didn't have to stop him from trying to help.

"Oh? Well I sure as hell don't want to talk about that any more than I do about that old bastard Ba'al."

"Have you ever considered that talking might get you somewhere? Not talking surely won't. Withdrawing behind that O'Neill mask will get you nothing."

"It's your mask too."

"I might have lived your life, Jack, but things are different now."

"Right."

"Jeez, you're insufferable sometimes, you know that?"

"Of course I know that. It's the O'Neill way; I can't change now. Maybe you have to, but it's too late for me."

"That's where you're wrong."

Jack didn't respond and the two men stood silently side by side once more, both deep in their own thoughts. It was Jack who finally broke that silence.

"It didn't take her long to find someone else, did it?"

"You mean Ed James? He never meant much to her," Jon answered dismissively.

"What makes you say that? She slept with him, didn't she? At least the guy got to more than first base with her."

"Oh, so this is where you're coming from. I take it you never got that far." Jack's failure to respond was Jon's answer to that question. "That's one hell of a kicker, then, eh? What would you do if she came begging for you to take her back?"

"That isn't going to happen," Jack said, throwing Jon a dark look. He wasn't entirely sure how he would react if that ever happened, but knew that he would have to protect his heart from more pain.

"Just suppose it did," Jon persisted, as stubborn as the original O'Neill.

"I wouldn't do anything." Jack responded, wondering whether that was true. If that happened… it wasn't going to, so thinking about it was pointless.

"Then you're a bigger fool than even I imagined," Jon retorted, causing Jack to wonder about it even more.

Jon wished he could bang the couple's heads together and hope that they stuck. Sheesh, the last few days had been hard work on the emotions, but he had learned a lot, particularly by observing himself. He could make things different for the Jack O'Neill within him and the notion left him feeling cheerfully optimistic.

While this conversation was taking place, back inside the house, the three members of SG-1 were discussing Jack.

"The idea of Ba'al hanging around haunting us can't sit that well with him, can it?" Daniel said.

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed while Sam remained silently contemplating everything that Ba'al had put him through and she figured they didn't even know the half of it. Jack wasn't entirely forthcoming about that sort of thing and his reports left out a lot detail.

Not long after those awful events Sam had got drunk with Janet, who had been somewhat more indiscreet than normal and revealed some things that Jack had kept entirely to himself. Afterwards, Janet had sworn her to secrecy, mortified by her lack of self-control, and they had never drank that much alcohol together again, didn't have much of a chance to, she recalled sadly, but Sam knew a lot more than she was supposed to.

Because of the sarcophagus, Jack had returned to them physically healed, but Janet had discovered much more than he'd confessed to anyone else either verbally or on paper. Sam wondered how Jack lived with the nightmares that the experience must provoke, and thoughts of Ba'al's involvement in this conspiracy must have raised those awful spectres again. Her inclination was to comfort him, something he clearly wouldn't welcome, and that deeply distressed her.

She wondered what Jon was saying to Jack outside, confident that he wouldn't reveal the thoughts that she'd laid bare to him the previous night when they were alone, but concerned nevertheless. Jon had revived her hope and she prayed he wasn't wrong.

The younger man seemed to want her to push it with Jack and she figured it was partly because he knew his older self could have the one thing that would forever be unattainable to him – her. Jon would have his chances in the years to come and Sam took some small comfort from that on his behalf. And, oddly, she didn't want to let him down, so she would go for it as he suggested. She merely needed to find the courage, which wasn't going to be easy.

Already, she was concocting plans in her head about what she might say to Jack, when she made that chance to say them, and if he'd let her. That certainly wasn't a given. If she turned up on his doorstep, he was just as likely to shut the door in her face as he was to let her in. Probably more likely.

"Penny for them, Sam?" Daniel asked, interrupting her thoughts.

"Sorry guys, I was on another planet there for a while."

"Oh? Which one? Planet O'Neill?"

Sam blushed deep to the roots of her hair at Daniel's question, uncertain how to respond, so she said nothing.

"Sam, are you okay?" he enquired.

"Sure, of course. We got the bad guys, I haven't got imminent death hanging over my head and I can go home at last. What else is there?"

"You know what else."

"If you mean the General then I really don't want to talk about that right now."

"Okay, but if you ever do you know I'm here for you, right?"

"Yes, Daniel, I know. I know that goes for both of you. I love you guys, you know that?" she grinned.

"I do believe that the feeling is mutual, Colonel Carter," Teal'c inserted with a wisp of a smile.

"Sometimes I wish you'd call me Sam, Teal'c."

"I am not certain that it would be appropriate."

"I guess whatever makes you comfortable."

"I would be more comfortable if you and O'Neill became friends again."

Sam was taken aback by those words from Teal'c. "I-I… we are. I'm here aren't I?"

"That is not what I referred to as you know extremely well, Colonel Carter."

This was the last thing she'd expected from Teal'c of all people. "Teal'c I… crap!" she exclaimed and got up, "I need the bathroom," she said and walked out.

"Nice one, T, now we've lost both of them."

"I did not mean to upset Colonel Carter, Daniel Jackson."

"I know old friend. I think emotions might be running a little high right now."

"We require a plan."

"A plan?"

"You do not think we should intercede with our friends?"

"I want to, but-but I'm not sure how to."

"O'Neill feels much for Colonel Carter. This I have observed."

"Have you tried talking to him about it?" Daniel asked wondering if Teal'c might have more success than he'd ever had.

"Indeed, but he does not wish to do so, although I did elicit a small confession."

"You did?"

"He would not be pleased at any intervention but this does not mean that we should not intervene."

"He might be grateful in the long run. So might Sam. It wouldn't be easy. Jack's a tough nut to crack."

"Perhaps only Colonel Carter herself can crack it."

"I suspect that's true. He would never believe anyone but her about how she so obviously feels about him and I'm not even sure he'll believe her. He's still hurting too bad, Teal'c, and he's too damned stubborn and proud for his own good."

"I concur. I merely wish…"

"That they could both be happy?"

"Indeed."

"Yeah, they both deserve to be. I just hope they can be happy together. What if they can't?"

"Then they both risk their hearts. Is that price too high for the chance to be happy, my friend? You think we do nothing?"

"I don't know. I've been thinking about it, Teal'c, and I'm not sure there is anything we can do except talk to them. Neither of them seems to want to do that."

"Perhaps Jon O'Neill is having more success."

"Well, he knows Jack better than anyone, I guess. This must be a little strange for him. Jon must still have those feelings for Sam too or, at least, the remembrance of them. That seems likely, doesn't it?"

"Very likely."

"But he has a different perspective now so might have more chance of getting through. They probably aren't even talking about that."

"Perhaps not."

Sam chose that moment to return and before she sat down kissed both her friends on the forehead. The men smiled.

"Sorry guys, I just had to…"

"Powder your nose?" Daniel joked and Sam grinned.

"Something like that, yeah."

"Sorry if we upset you, Sam."

"I'm fine, really I am. I think we ought to persuade the O'Neill boys to come back inside. This celebration's going down the drain without them."

"I'll poke my nose out," Daniel offered, somewhat bravely under the circumstances, Sam thought. One never knew really how an O'Neill would react to being disturbed.

As it happened, Daniel didn't have to interrupt them because Jack and Jon reappeared. Jack's grin belied his tumultuous emotions, but they were there to celebrate and that's exactly what he planned for them to do.

"Okay, kids," he said as he entered, "no more talk of beasties and goulies. Let's get drunk! All except for you, of course, T. I guess you'll just have to get drunk on the atmosphere."

Later on, a slightly drunken Daniel managed to corner Jon alone in the kitchen and took the opportunity to be blunt.

"Jon, have you talked to Jack about Sam?"

"Yes."

"And Sam about Jack?"

"Yes."

"So?"

"So what?"

"Ack! I suppose this means you're saying nothing."

"You betchya. What do you expect?"

"I guess I expect you to act like an O'Neill, go figure! But there's no harm in asking."

"Disappointed?"

"I've learned to live with disappointment as far as Jack is concerned."

"Ouch!"

"I didn't mean anything by it. I was just saying. Jack's my friend and I want him to be happy. We've been through so much together."

"Don't I know it? As have we Daniel. I remember too. You've been a royal pain in the ass," Daniel winced at those words, "but also a good friend. Jack admires you more than he'll ever admit."

"He does?" Daniel replied, slightly stunned by that confession.

"He's more fragile than he likes to show anyone. Don't let him cut you out again. He needs you. He might not confess to his feelings much but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel 'em. I'm just sayin'…" Jon shrugged.

"He's a pain in the butt too, but I love the guy. I've missed him."

"Daniel, you're drunk. Make coffee."

"Oh yeah, that's what I came in for," Daniel recalled and, seeing that Jon was about to leave the room, added, "Jon… thanks."

"You're welcome."

"Jon…" he started but the young man had already left the room and Daniel ended up saying to thin air, "If you ever want to drop by… I guess you wouldn't."

Those words from Jon left a contented smile on Daniel's face, which was still plastered there when he re-joined the others. Flopping down onto an armchair, he spilt a little coffee over himself but was almost totally oblivious of that fact and it wasn't long before his eyes closed and he'd drifted off, the alcohol finally getting the better of him. Jack got up and took the coffee from his hands, placing it on the table.

"Uh, oh… at least he looks like he's having sweet dreams," he said observing the smile that still lit his friend's comatose face, "I think we ought to get him to bed. Give me a hand, Teal'c?"

It turned out that all his friends stayed over that night, scattered through the house like the rest of the detritus they'd left behind. After he'd gone to bed, Jack remained awake contemplating his return to Washington and what he would do about that group of people he'd grown so close to over the years. He was going to miss them and wasn't sure he could shut himself away anymore like he had done for the past few months. That gave him a lot to think about.

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

I think I've been posting this too slowly, and I am sure some of you agree, so I intend to pick up the posting pace a little until this fic is finished! - Su

Title: Learning to Live With It Part 13

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: See bio

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, Romance

Content Level: Age 13+

Content Warnings: Minor use of mild language

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: Message in a Bottle, Cure and general S9 spoilers

Summary: Interrogations begin, Jack expresses concerns for his future, and old friends part ways

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Learning to Live With It Part 12

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2006 Su Freund

Art Credit: Many thanks to Fulinn28 who made the lovely book cover that illustrates this fic on my site from a very cute pic of Jack. You can take a look if you go to my site, as above.

Author's Note: Thanks to Bonnie for Beta reading this fic and making suggestions that, while lengthening it slightly, added an extra element I hadn't thought of. Any remaining errors are entirely my own.

**Learning to Live With It Part 13**

Jack and Teal'c sat staring mutely across the table at Connelly, whose expression remained unperturbed, but whose unease was obvious when he shifted in his seat. Nevertheless, he stared right back and said nothing. Eventually, Jack spoke while Teal'c continued his silent glare, trying to make the man feel as uncomfortable as possible.

"We have way more than enough evidence to sink you without a trace, Connelly."

"Then you don't need me to tell you anything, do you O'Neill?" Connelly replied acerbically.

"You didn't seem to mind revealing your plans for global domination to Carter."

"I lack judgement, so sue me."

Jack smiled thinly, thinking that he would probably use similarly sarcastic words in the same circumstances. Connelly glanced at Teal'c, observing the Jaffa's bulging muscles and hoping he wasn't planning to use them. He'd heard things about O'Neill and the Jaffa that made him fear them but he was damned if he was going to show it and he tried to hide that fear in a remote corner of his brain.

"I don't get it. We've caught you red-handed. You might as well tell us everything," Jack probed.

"Can't think why I should when you're going to lock me up and throw away the key anyway."

"You're a traitor, Connelly. That's still a capital offence around these parts."

"Are you offering me a deal?"

"No. I'm just reminding you."

"I don't fear death."

Having read Connelly's file, Jack knew that the man had mainly been a career bureaucrat, which meant that he had little knowledge of facing death or the fear of it. O'Neill's responding smile was grim and filled with unspoken danger.

"I think you might change your mind about that when you're facing it head on," he said coldly. "I've read about men facing the chair or lethal injection. It's not pretty."

"You don't scare me, O'Neill."

"Oh? I so love it when guys underestimate me. Gives me a kind of thrill when I go in for the kill." The danger in his grimace increased a few notches as he spoke.

Elsewhere in the SGC, Sam and Daniel were observing the interrogation on CCTV both thinking the same thing. They wouldn't like to be in that room with Jack facing them down. Connelly was a fool not to be scared.

"I've heard about you, O'Neill, but I think you've got too high an opinion of yourself. You're all ego," Connelly replied with what he considered as wit.

Teal'c smiled slightly at that, thinking that this Tauri fool seriously underestimated O'Neill and didn't have a clue what he was talking about as far as his friend was concerned. He looked down his nose at Connelly menacingly while continuing to say nothing, which gave Connelly pause for thought, but when the Colonel spoke again his cockiness belied his feelings.

"No way this is ever going to trial, O'Neill," he said. "You can never make this public."

"Who said anything about a trial?" Jack replied and noticed Connelly's eyes widen slightly. He was starting to get to him already. Good. Connelly was a jackass and if anyone's ego were going to get in the way of this interrogation it would be his own. It seemed the man seriously underestimated quite how much trouble he could be in and Jack felt it was incumbent upon him to point it out.

"You can't just keep me locked up without one. I do have rights," Connelly countered, trying to keep his cool. He so did not want to let Jack O'Neill get to him. There was something about the man… something he couldn't quite put his finger on.

"Rights?" O'Neill said with a twisted grin and slight chuckle, "You're stuck miles underground inside a huge lump of solid rock that's one of the most top-secret locations in the world. How are you going to exercise those rights, Connelly? Besides, I never mentioned anything about keeping you locked up, did I? There are worse places than jail. I've visited some of 'em."

"What the hell do you mean by that?" Connelly said, not liking the implied threat one little bit.

"Huge honkin' stargate just a few floors down. Heard of it?"

"You wouldn't dare."

"Try me. You wouldn't be the first guy to disappear off the face of the Earth, quite literally. In space no one can hear you scream," Jack said, quoting from an old movie poster he'd seen once. His demeanour was steely calm, and very unnerving.

Tucked in their little room elsewhere inside the mountain, Sam chuckled and turned away from the CCTV screen to face Daniel. "He really can be a total bastard," she said.

"Yes he can, but sometimes that's a good thing," Daniel responded with a small smirk.

"I guess that once this is over he'll be going back to Washington," she commented, trying to keep her voice neutral.

"Yeah. I'll miss him too, Sam."

"I never said anything about missing him."

"You didn't have to." He reached over, gently grasping her arm, and she smiled but shrugged him off.

"I'm that obvious?" she asked.

"Yeah, but only to me. If you've changed your mind about talking…"

"I haven't. Let's listen," she said, turning back to face the screen. Daniel rolled his eyes in frustration, but also turned back to concentrate on the interrogation, although he had to admit that his mind was elsewhere.

When they'd woken up from their celebrations at Jack's, everyone but Teal'c were suffering from bad hangovers. Both Jack and Sam had been more muted than they might have otherwise been. The adventure was over and it was almost time for the parting of the ways. Jack tried to pretend that it was better that way while Sam thought about what Jon had said in relation to leaving Jack to think for a while.

The friends found it harder to say goodbye to Jon O'Neill than any of them had anticipated, and Jon felt the same way. It was like losing his closest friends all over again. He tried hard not to let it break his heart, but it did. Although they made promises to keep in touch from time to time, Jon was pretty sure that this wouldn't happen, and maybe it was for the best.

He'd exchanged one of those almost non-conversations with Jack, both men feeling awkward. Teal'c had bowed and smiled and Daniel had hugged him briefly. Sam, on the other hand, had pulled him into her arms rather more enthusiastically, the moments of discomfort over that night spent alone in Jack's house seemingly gone.

Jon wasn't so sure that he was over that and thought it would be ironic if she were the one who kept a promise to stay in touch, uncertain as to whether that would be a good thing or not. He was aware that her absence from his life would make it easier to move on. His best bet was to butt out and stop confusing everything, including himself. On the other hand, he would miss her; he would miss all of them. Man, this was so hard!

Out of ear shot of the rest he spoke up, knowing that what he was about to say made him an idiot of the first order, but he couldn't help himself. Glutton for punishment, that was Jack O'Neill, and was true for his clone too.

"Sam, if you need to talk, you know where to contact me. I'll always be here for you, just like he will. You know that don't you?"

"I, um, thank you Jon."

Sam realised how difficult it must have been for him to make that offer, but also to be saying goodbye to them all again. Jon had suffered much: probably worse than Jack in so many ways. He'd got Jack's experiences and thoughts, good and bad, inside his head and yet had been reduced to nothing.

There had to be something they could do about that. Maybe there could be a new life for him in the Air Force, perhaps at the SGC. She resolved to give it some careful consideration but wasn't sure what would hurt him most, being without them or being with them.

"And go for it," Jon added.

"I'll try," she promised, smiling briefly, pleased that he wanted her to be happy even though it could never be with him. It pained her to imagine how much that must hurt him.

"Good luck."

"I'll need it."

"Make your own luck, and let me know how it turns out."

"That seems a little…" she tailed off, thinking that perhaps it wasn't so strange that he would wish to know what happened. He was rooting for his older self to have what he couldn't, so knowing how it turned out might make him happier, or not, depending on the outcome. That outcome might make her happier, or not, too. She smiled again. "I will, I promise."

Once he had gone, all four of them had regrets about Jon that they didn't express. They wondered if there was more they could do to help him, but the crap hit the fan big time, just as Jack had anticipated, and Jon got forgotten, at least for the time being.

As he'd thought, Jack received a rocket up the ass from his superiors and knew that it wasn't over yet. When he got back to Washington he'd surely pay, but he'd handle that and make it through. Then there were the military police, who had grilled them for a while, without much success, until the NID took over because this thing was way too secret so it was important that the involvement of "outsiders" was limited. After that trial, Sam had to talk to the Colorado PD, although the case was taken out of their hands too, much to their chagrin.

Jack had volunteered to go with her for moral support, joking that he missed Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber. Sam was grateful. Jack was a good friend and one she did not deserve. You could have been forgiven for thinking that the pair were really close, and in some ways they were. Daniel, however, who had been observing them as much as possible, was still despairing that they would ever sort out their personal lives. Business was one thing, but that was almost at an end for them and he wondered what would happen after it was all over.

"You'll never get away with that," Connelly asserted to Jack's threat of banishing him through the gate, and Daniel gave the interrogation his full attention again.

"You'd be surprised at what I can get away with but, no matter. I don't care much whether you believe me or not, Connelly."

Connelly searched Jack's eyes and did believe him. He decided to hit back where he knew it would hurt.

"You're just pissed because I tried to take out a member of your team, O'Neill, otherwise you probably wouldn't be involved in this at all."

"Sure, but I am involved, and I can't say I care for murdering traitorous bastards that much, especially when they conduct illegal business within my command."

"And particularly when they tried to hurt Sam Carter, huh? Ed James told me all about you. Dated her for a while, didn't you, but she dumped you on your ass? Poor General O'Neill, left broken hearted by a woman he's carried a torch for all those years. Don't think I haven't heard things."

Although the words got to Jack, he didn't let it show. O'Neill was way better at that game than Mike Connelly was or ever would be. Sam winced inwardly at what Connelly said and Daniel didn't even dare to look at her, keeping his eyes fixed firmly on the screen.

"Bite me," Jack said evenly, "You think I give a rat's butt about your opinion one way or another?"

"Care about hers, though, don't you?" Connelly continued, still hoping to goad him. "I doubt she'd approve of your notion of justice, O'Neill. She's the straight up type."

"Actually, she's watching right now."

"That must be galling in the circumstances."

Jack's expression didn't even flicker, but inside he was finding this hard and sure wished that Connelly hadn't raised the issue of Sam. He was right to identify her as a weakness and Jack didn't like that one little bit. Ignoring Connelly's gloating expression, he turned towards Teal'c.

"Perhaps James or Peters might be a little more co-operative," he suggested. "We can leave Connelly thinking about that nice little ice planet P3 something or the other, where the temperature never reaches higher than 50 below. That's a pretty lonely place, having no occupants and all. Or, remember that place where we picked up the entity that pinned me to the wall? Rather painfully, I recall. No atmosphere."

He turned to face Connelly briefly and smiled like a shark, and then looked at Teal'c again, "Or there's always that really nice little planet that we evacuated recently because any time now it will start to get torn apart by a black hole."

Having previously agreed that Teal'c would say nothing during this interrogation, but merely look menacing, the large Jaffa merely smiled slightly and nodded, and then turned his attention back to Connelly.

"Or maybe I should just leave you alone with him for a few minutes, T, and turn off the cameras. I know how fond of Carter you are, old buddy, and this guy tried to kill her, after all, and more than once. He's been a very naughty boy."

Teal'c's grin broadened threateningly as if he couldn't wait for a moment alone with Connelly to tear him limb from limb.

"On the other hand, I wouldn't mind a piece of that action myself," Jack continued and then he looked into Connelly's eyes with an expression on his face like the angel of death and Connelly finally began to grasp the situation he was in with the man, knowing genuine fear.

"What exactly do you want to ask, O'Neill?" he queried.

Jack eyeballed him and smiled grimly, opening a folder sitting in front of him and taking out a photograph.

"Know this guy?" he queried, sliding a picture of Ba'al across the table at him. Connelly was taken aback by that, unaware that they had quite so much knowledge of what had been going on.

"Yes," he said so quietly that Jack hardly heard him.

"What?"

"Yes, I know him. If you're asking whether he's the man in charge, then you're right." For once, Jack was not in the least happy to be proved right.

"Do you know who he is?" he asked.

"Sure. Mr Baal. Big businessman, been on TV," Connelly replied in a slightly sarcastic tone.

"Did it occur to you to wonder why he might have wanted these experiments to take place in Area 51 rather than within one of his own companies? Or was it no questions asked when your greed got the better of you?"

"No I…"

"He's a Goa'uld, Connelly. I'm betting you didn't know that."

"I-I…" Connelly seemed genuinely flummoxed by that revelation and looked horrified, which gave Jack a gloomy sense of satisfaction.

"A snakehead, you stupid asshole," he pressed further, "You've been working for an ex-System Lord who wants to return to the glory days."

"I-I… shit!"

"I'm relieved to discover that this fact disturbs you, Connelly. You should be disturbed that you've been acting for an enemy of not only our planet, but of this whole freakin' universe."

"I didn't know," Connelly admitted with a croak in his voice, clearly worried by the disclosure.

"Of course not. Even you probably wouldn't have been that stupid if you had known. It might have paid you to wonder about those snakes he gave you. No doubt he planned to turn your successful experiments against this very planet, if they had been successful that is. Ever heard of the enemy within, Connelly?"

"Okay, ask your questions," Connelly responded with slightly slumping shoulders. "I'll cooperate." Jack simply smiled.

Still intent on watching the interrogation, Daniel remarked, "Soften him up and then go in for the kill. Jack isn't as dumb as he likes to paint, is he?"

"Not even close," Sam agreed.

"I guess this means we get everything and everyone now."

"I hope so Daniel. I don't like the idea of this going on somewhere else after we've shut down operations at Groom Lake."

"Trouble is that we don't know for sure that it isn't."

"That's a scary thought."

"Yes, it is."

"And none of this is going to get us Ba'al."

"Yeah, probably. That's really gonna piss Jack off."

Sam angrily thumped the console hard, letting out a frustrated cry. "I don't think I want to listen to this crap anymore, Daniel. Do you want a coffee?"

"Sure," he replied a little taken aback by her sudden change of mood. "I never say no to coffee, you know me." He tried to smile and lighten the mood but Sam merely grimaced back at him.

"I'll use the machine in your office," she said.

"Good. I might get a decent cup. You okay?" he ventured to ask, uncertain what was going on in her head and not wanting to be the recipient of her unexpected wrath.

"Not really, but I will be."

"I could come with you."

"I'd like to be alone for a while."

"Right. I thought you'd be interested in this," Daniel said nodding his head towards the screen.

"I am."

"You were pissed with Jack for not letting you in on the interrogations and now you don't even want to watch?"

"I've hardly been alone for days. I need a break from people, just for a while. The General was right to keep me out of these interrogations Daniel. I realise that now. I'm too close to it."

"And he isn't?"

"It's not really my thing is it? Playing hardball with the bad guys."

"You do okay."

"Jack and Teal'c are better. Connelly's spilling his guts in there."

"Jack's so not going to be happy about this Ba'al thing."

"No. I wish there was something I could do, Daniel, but there isn't. The last thing he wants is to have me around."

"That's not true. You really think that?" Daniel didn't really believe that, despite Jack's stubborn pride. He knew Sam could win him around if she tried, but she didn't seem to want to try. It made him despair of the pair.

"It doesn't matter what I think, does it? It's what he thinks that counts," Sam responded trying to keep her expression blank, although that didn't fool Daniel.

"He'll come around," Daniel insisted.

"Will he?"

"I hope so, Sam, because I hate seeing you both so miserable."

"Tell him that, not me."

"When he sets his mind to it, he's like talking to a brick wall, you know that."

"I know. Look, Daniel, I've just got to get out of here, okay?"

"Sam!"

"Give me half an hour and I'll come back with coffee," she added and walked out of the room.

Daniel sighed, briefly wondering whether to pursue her and realising she wouldn't appreciate it, so he turned back to watch what Connelly was saying. He didn't know how to deal with the Jack and Sam situation and it was really pissing him off. He figured that Sam was agitated because she knew Jack would return to Washington soon and they probably wouldn't see each other for months after that. Jack was likely to hide himself away from them all again as much as possible, unless they virtually forced him into contact. He could relate to Sam's feelings because they reflected some of his own.

"So where is he, Connelly?" Jack was asking, referring to Ba'al.

"I don't know."

"You must keep in touch in some way."

"Through an intermediary. I haven't met him personally for months."

Jack glanced at Teal'c, dark thoughts going through his mind. This thing was turning out to be complicated. Connelly was nowhere near to being the big fish in this pond, it seemed, and he was betting they were going to meet a dead end.

"So tell me about this intermediary, Connelly. Who, how he or she contacts you, where? I want every single detail."

As Connelly started to spill the beans, Jack realised that they were going to be at this for quite a while and still probably weren't going to get to the bottom of it, but at least they were getting somewhere.

Meanwhile, Sam shut herself away in her base quarters, lying on the bed and trying to think straight about anything at all. She was normally good at concentrating on her work and shutting out distractions, both mental and physical, but right now she didn't have a job to do and she wondered whether she should throw herself into something in her lab; almost anything might help.

After a while, she dutifully made her way to Daniel's office and made coffee as promised. Then she picked up some cake from the commissary and took it to Daniel as a peace offering. He tried to persuade her to stick around, but she refused and went to the lab, picking up on an experiment she'd been working on what now seemed like eons ago.

It was good to be alone with her thoughts, on home turf, and doing something she could get her teeth into. Although she briefly wondered how the interrogations were going, Sam decided to try and block all of that out of her mind: the events of the last few days, the implications of what had been happening at Area 51, and Jack; him most of all.

Back in the interrogation room, Jack asked, "What about the queen, Connelly?"

Daniel's ears prinked up. Queen? Why the hell hadn't he thought of that? Where was the queen? Of course! Cursing himself for an idiot, and realising that Jack was once again proving that he wasn't one, Daniel listened with interest, wondering how much Connelly knew. It turned out not to be that much.

"Queen?" Connelly retorted, apparently genuinely puzzled.

"Where do you think baby snakeheads come from, you moron?"

"Oh, I don't know, O'Neill… momma and papa snakeheads?" Connelly replied sarcastically. He was tired and getting grouchy but Jack snapped back equally caustic.

"Jeez, do you actually know anything useful, or are we gonna have to toss you onto that ice planet and leave you there until your balls freeze off?"

"Look, O'Neill, I'm telling you everything I know here."

"It seems you didn't think too hard about asking questions. I guess salivating over money will do that for ya. Mush for brains. There has to be a queen, Connelly. We can't have queen snakes running around loose, now can we? Tin pot dictators with snakes in their heads who think they are gods are bad enough, don't you think?"

"I don't know what to tell you, O'Neill."

"Everything."

Hours later, Daniel peeked around the door of Sam's lab and knocked.

"Thought I ought to let you know that they're calling it a night on the interrogation," he said.

"Oh. Any idea about Ed and Peters?"

"Landry opened them both up wide and really easily apparently. Hammond's team are picking up some more people who've been fingered."

"What about their poor victims?" she asked.

"Don't know. Jack might. He asked us to join him in the commissary. Want to come? Don't look at me like that. Come on Sam, this is probably the last time all of us will be together for a while. I don't think he's sticking around for long. There's no reason for him to stay, is there?" he said pointedly.

Sam sighed deeply, dreading the moment, but didn't want Jack to leave without saying goodbye. She owed him a profound debt of gratitude for his support.

"Okay, I'll be there in five minutes. I just need to shut everything off."

Daniel left her alone and, when she joined them, the spare chair at their table had a glass of blue jello sitting waiting. She smiled and Jack indicated that she should sit down.

"Blue jello?" she asked, meeting Jack's eyes. He held her gaze briefly and then looked away, unable to face what he saw in those blue depths. He wasn't ready for that yet and, if asked, would deny he'd seen anything there at all, but he had. Denial wasn't very helpful but Jack inexorably continued along that path.

"It was O'Neill's idea, Colonel Carter," Teal'c replied.

"Reminds me of old times, Carter," Jack remarked, looking up but not allowing himself to meet her eyes again.

"The good old days?" said Daniel.

"Yep."

"Thank you sir."

"You're welcome, Carter," he replied with a smile, trying to keep bright and breezy, and Sam felt her heart flutter with hope.

"The interrogations were a success I take it?" she asked, taking a mouthful of jello. Jack tried not to watch, wondering why he'd been fool enough to get her the jello. There was something sensual about the way she ate it, and he had always loved watching her eat it. He found it difficult to tear his eyes away.

Trying for businesslike, he replied, "Landry will finish Connelly's up over the next few days but it went okay, I guess, given Connelly's rather limited knowledge of the bigger picture. That slime ball had no idea who he was working for."

"I saw that part," she said, noting his interest in her consumption of the jello so taking another mouthful and trying to capture his eyes with hers again. To distract himself, Jack picked up the cake in front of him and took a bite.

"I think I can leave someone else to clean up the mess," he said, speaking with his mouthful and trying to look around at his friends generally instead of just in Sam's direction. "I have more important things to think about right now than Connelly."

"So you're going back to DC?" Sam asked, already knowing the answer but it was something to say, something to keep him talking to her.

"I have a choice?" Jack joked. "I've got to face the music sometime. There's a lot of fallout from this. It goes way wider and deeper than we thought."

"They can't blame you for this, sir."

"It happened on my watch, didn't it? The repercussions go pretty high up. Snakes, for crying out loud. The folks in DC aren't too happy. They might have my ass for this one."

Jack was far from confident about his fate. The various telephone conversations with his superiors in DC were just the beginning and it wouldn't surprise him in the least to find he was forced onto the retirement scrap heap after this debacle. He just hoped he could save his undeserving butt because he wasn't yet ready to give up the fight.

"What? No way! I can't blame them for being unhappy, Jack, but they can't get rid of you! You're way too valuable to them," Daniel said, angry at the idea on Jack's behalf while also trying to be reassuring.

"Bah! There are a hundred guys out there who could do my job," Jack responded unassumingly.

"Don't sell yourself short, sir," Sam said, hating that he believed he was dispensable. He wasn't but he never seemed to realise that. There was something endearing about his modesty, although it could be irritating in equal measure.

Jack glanced at Sam who gave him a weak smile. "Okay, so I'm exaggerating a little; maybe not a hundred, but some," he replied. "If they don't think I'm up to the job, they'll dump me in a second, you must know that."

"You can't really think they'll retire you, can you? They can't do that!" Her tone was one of righteous indignation at the notion they could even think of getting rid of the General. "I'm with Daniel on this one. You're way too valuable to the program."

"I concur," Teal'c added, inclining his head slightly. O'Neill was the reason he was on Earth helping these people, and also one motive for sticking around for so long, despite his friend's absence from the SGC. "If not for you, O'Neill, this world would have been conquered by the Goa'uld many years ago, or worse. They owe you a debt, my friend, and you deserve to retire as a warrior, not in disgrace."

Jack glanced around at his friends, pleased and honored by their words of support, but far from encouraged.

"Guys, I'm happy you all want to rush to my defence as, god knows, I need it although I might not deserve it. Dammit all, shit happened while I was in control, and it had been happening for a long time without me even noticing that anything was up. It's that simple. Retirement could be the least of my problems. Connelly might get off more lightly."

"What the hell does that mean Jack?" asked Daniel, as he never had understood the inner workings of the military.

"He means that, theoretically, they could bring him up on charges," Sam hastened to explain on Jack's behalf. "Neglecting his duty or some such."

She felt sympathy for Jack's situation and agreed with Teal'c that he deserved way better. Sam found it hard to believe they could force him out or punish him so unjustly, and bring shame to the O'Neill name that was far from deserved. Not after everything he had suffered for his country. That would be so unfair. But then who said anything about the armed forces being fair?

"What? That's ridiculous!" Daniel exclaimed irately, his thoughts taking a similar turn to Sam's.

"That won't happen, sir," Sam piped up, trying to sound confident.

"It might," Jack responded with a grimace, thinking that if he had pissed the wrong person off he didn't have a hope of saving his career.

"No way in hell!" Sam rushed to say, "One thing you can say for the armed forces is that they don't like washing their dirty laundry in public if they can avoid it, and certainly not as far as their general's are concerned."

"True. They're way more likely to sweep it under the carpet and turn me out to a quiet pasture somewhere," Jack said with a sigh. "Ack! I'll handle it. If we could have gotten Ba'al…" There was barely restrained anger in his voice.

"It seems unlikely that Ba'al is still here on Earth, O'Neill," Teal'c opined, wishing to make his friend feel better.

It was clear to Teal'c that O'Neill was deeply disturbed and he knew that much of this was because they had failed to resolve everything. In Teal'c's judgment, that applied to the situation with Ba'al and Colonel Carter, and now there was this other problem that he had just exposed to them. His friend had much to resolve. Teal'c realised that O'Neill could never hope to fix everything that tore him up inside, but he would have a good try at saving his own neck, and he resolved to help with that in any way he could.

O'Neill had led a warrior's life and had seen and experienced much that would trouble even the greatest of men, and Teal'c ranked O'Neill amongst those men. It was inevitable that, deep within, O'Neill would remain a tormented man, but there was much that his friend could do to help himself if only he would open himself to it.

He should not have the additional, and ludicrous, worry that he would get disciplined for recent events. Not after everything. Teal'c was angry but knew that O'Neill was trying to draw a line under that subject, probably regretting he'd said anything at all. The others also took that hint, their minds ranging over what they might do to help him, if that was possible. He had earned their loyalty and respect and deserved that from others too. They were all incensed on his behalf.

"I know, T," Jack replied to the Jaffa's comment about Ba'al, pleased to get off the subject of his own possible demise. "But we have no idea how many clones of himself that pompous ass created, or if any of them are still here on Earth ready to wreak more havoc." Jack seemed downhearted by the notion and none of his friends were surprised by that, only by the fact that he might show it, albeit briefly.

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed, unable to think of any words that would sufficiently appease his friend, and a lengthy silence followed during which the friends considered the possibilities, most of which weren't very encouraging. They tried to occupy themselves with their various beverages and foodstuffs but did not find these suitably distracting from the dark thoughts that pervaded the table.

"Any idea how it's going at Area 51, sir?" Sam asked, trying to get the conversation moving again.

"Slowly. There's a lot of evidence to sift through. Hammond's team will be occupied for a long time to come."

"That should keep him happy."

"Probably," Jack concurred with a grin.

"What about their victims, Jack?" Daniel asked, pre-empting Sam's next question.

"Not looking too hopeful for most of them, I'm afraid."

"Holy Hannah, what makes human beings treat others of their kind like that?"

"Wish I knew Sam. If I had the answer maybe we could get us world peace." Jack quipped in reply.

"What about the symbiotes, sir?"

"We'll be working on trying to find Connelly's contact. He hasn't seen Ba'al himself for months, but Ba'al has people here. That kind of makes me shudder."

As if to emphasise his point, Jack jabbed his fork in Sam's direction and she couldn't help but recall the number of times she'd seen him gesticulate with cutlery, or anything else that came to hand, for that matter. Jack so loved using his hands to accentuate a point. It was when he was still, or silent, that you had to be more wary: ominously dangerous signs.

Sam made a mental note to remember that when she eventually plucked up the nerve to confront him about their relationship. Facing his anger would be way more preferable than being met with icy calm. She believed that she could probably provoke him sufficiently if she really needed to, and that she could deal with his wrath. But if he reacted with cold hardness she could be lost.

"Connelly has given us some clues," he continued, "and maybe George will find something useful, but we've got our work cut out for us."

"Has anyone thought about a queen Goa'uld?" Sam asked astutely.

"No queen on the premises at Area 51. They tore the place apart. Connelly doesn't know about any queen."

"You believe him?"

"Yeah, I do. I'd love to have an excuse to rip that information out of him, but he doesn't know," Jack was obviously angry about that, frustrated because they had solved one riddle only to be faced with another: too many others, actually. "I knew the aftermath of this thing was gonna haunt me for months. Seems I was right. Only this is way worse than even I imagined, and I imagined bad. You know me - Mr Positive." He smiled grimly.

"Do you really think the queen is here on Earth, Jack?" Daniel asked.

"Wish I knew. Seems kinda possible, is all, and I sure don't like that possibility."

"They could transport the symbiotes by ship," Daniel suggested, horrified by the idea of a Queen. That meant either a Hathor type Goa'uld hiding somewhere, perish the thought, or something akin to Egeria in a breeding tank. He didn't really wish to contemplate that either of these was a possibility.

"Yeah, these days the traffic in our skies is getting to be like something out of 'Men In Black', so it's possible," Jack joked, but his friends knew he was deeply concerned. Ba'al, a queen snake - how bad could it get? This had to be one of Jack's worst nightmares. "If Thor can sit up there without being spotted, he might not be the only one. Somehow, I don't find that thought reassuring."

They all considered the implications of that in silence for a while.

"What did Connelly say about the symbiotes, sir?" Sam asked eventually.

"Not a whole hell of a lot. Seems there's way more to this than meets the eye, but you uncovered it in the first place. You did good, Carter." He smiled at her and she returned it, pleased by his praise. Not much, but a lot from a man like General Jack O'Neill.

"It looks like I have a lot of reading to do to catch-up, sir"

"You should have stayed and watched the interrogation."

"I needed to be alone."

Jack nodded his understanding, knowing how that felt. Everyone needed their own space and she hadn't had a lot of that for a few days. Neither had he, and that thought made him realise that it was time to break up the party. This was it – goodbye time. He had mixed emotions about that because he knew he'd miss all of them.

"Listen, kids," he said, "I'm bushed. I think I need to get home and grab some shuteye. Early start tomorrow."

"Hope you don't leave it as long next time Jack."

"I'll try not to Daniel."

"It's been fun in a perverse kind of way hasn't it?"

"Just like old times."

"Yeah, the good old days."

The two men exchanged grins and Jack got up ready to leave.

"Wanna ride home Carter?" he asked, wondering why he wanted to continue torturing himself, but he did. "I seem to recall that you haven't got wheels right now."

"Yes, sir, that would be great, thanks."

This time it was Daniel and Teal'c who exchanged glances, surreptitiously, and the four friends made their way to the elevator to say their goodbyes. Jack patted both of his friends on the back and Daniel pulled him into a hug, whispering in his ear.

"Don't throw something so fundamental away, Jack; Sam's way too important to you. Don't be a stubborn moron." Jack merely gave him an irritated look, stepping into the elevator with Sam and pressing the button.

Although both Daniel and Jon had given him some food for thought, Jack was stubbornly trying not to think about it; pretty hard to do when the person you weren't supposed to be thinking about was sitting in your truck right next to you. Nevertheless, try as he might, Jack mulled over the situation between he and Sam, highly confused by what to do and, after going around in circles a few times, concluded that doing nothing was the best option.

As a result, their ride home was fairly silent, punctuated by a few meaningless exchanges about the surroundings or other traffic. Sam felt increasingly awkward and distanced from Jack but was determined to remain optimistic. Once they arrived at her house, like the gentleman he was, Jack walked her to the door.

"I'm sure it'll be good to be home, Sam," he smiled. "Nothing to beat sleeping in your own home, in your own bed, right? You okay?"

"Tired, but fine. Want to come in for coffee or a beer?" she asked hopefully.

"No. No thanks Sam. I just want to get home."

"I don't-I can't," she stumbled, unable to find adequate words to thank him with. "Thank you Jack, for everything," she said, deciding simple was best.

"Welcome."

"What now?"

"DC, here I come. What else is there?"

"I hope you don't get into too much trouble. If we can help… you know that right?"

"Of course. Thanks. I hope those DC bureaucrats think I'm as indispensable as you guys seem to."

Sam smiled and reached out to touch his arm but he stepped back holding up a hand to stop her advance. The rebuff hurt her deeply but she understood, which didn't mean that she had to like it, or give up. But perhaps now was not the time, just as Jon had suggested.

"Don't think so," he said.

"You-we…" she stammered, wondering how to tackle him.

"Well, the adventure's over now. You're safe, you're alive and you don't need me anymore. All bets are off, remember?" Jack's tone was colder than she'd heard for a few days and it chilled her.

"Yes, I remember. I do-I thought…" she said falteringly, realising that she would get nowhere with him right then. He'd made up his mind and closed the small gap in the shutters that might have let her sneak in.

"That always was your trouble, Carter, too much thinking. See you around. Try to keep out of trouble, okay? My suit of armour's getting way too rusty." There was a faint smile on his face, but his eyes were blank to her.

"Yes sir," she said with a grin and a small laugh, amused by his armour comment and resolutely remaining optimistic for a different time and place. At least things between them had thawed to below freezing point over the last few days, which was something, even if they had cooled a little during the previous few minutes.

But as she watched him walk away, she wondered how she could bear to have him absent from her life once more, and her optimism faded. She'd lost him. Losing people she loved was far too much of a bad habit. Sam wanted to run after him, stop him, take him in her arms and tell him everything, but she didn't. She simply lacked that courage.

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

Here's the next part more quickly, as promised. I hope you enjoy it. Let me know:-) Su

Title: Learning to Live With It Part 14

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: su freundficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, Romance

Content Level: Age 13+

Content Warnings: Minor use of mild language

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: Matter of Time, Threads, and general S9 spoilers

Summary: "He opened the door and she was there. It was yet another surprise in his recently confused and peculiar life."

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Learning to Live With It Part 13

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2006 Su Freund

Art Credit: There is a gorgeous pic of Jack illustrating this fic on my site, made into a book cover by Fulinn28. Thanks Fulinn. If you want to go take a drool, you will find it on my site at the above address.

Author's Note: Many thanks to Bonnie for beta reading this fic

**Learning to Live With It Part 14**

He opened the door and she was there. It was yet another surprise in his recently confused and peculiar life.

"Sam! W-what are you doing here?"

He suddenly felt a little hot and clammy and tried to quell his nerves. Jack had thought he probably wouldn't see Sam again for a long time, but here she was larger a life.

When they'd parted a couple of weeks before, it had been painful to say goodbye and much harder to walk away than he'd pretended. Jack had thought about her a lot in the intervening period but wasn't sure he was ready to see her again so soon. Then again, he hadn't been ready for her last time either.

"I really need to talk to you Jack."

"Didn't we do enough talking a few days ago?" His tone was sharp and brusque.

"Not about this."

"Ah! I don't think I want to talk about that."

"Aren't you in the least curious to know why?"

"If this is why you came to DC, you wasted a trip. It's been months, Sam, why now?"

"Because now I can talk about it Jack. I understand it, at last. Aren't you going to let me in?"

"I don't know."

He really was debating closing the door in her face, but how could he do that? This was Sam, despite everything, this was the woman he loved, the woman he would do almost anything for - almost. What she asked of him might be too much. He risked exposure and that notion troubled him deeply. Hadn't he been exposed enough already?

"Jack, please! I need this, and I think you do too."

This was his chance to find out why, so why didn't he snatch at it? Maybe because he wasn't sure he wanted to hear what she had to say. Finding out how badly he'd screwed up might make him feel a whole lot worse than he did already. He didn't open the door further, merely stood there silently.

"Please. I've been plucking up the courage to come here ever since I saw you last. I've paced up and down outside for ages. I know I hurt you, and I deeply regret that. I need you to know why."

"So your conscience can be clear?" he retorted sarcastically.

"No, so yours can."

That simultaneously took him aback and stirred his curiosity, so he pulled the door open and gestured for her to enter.

"You could have just picked the lock, then I wouldn't have had any choice," he said acerbically, recalling their recent encounter.

"Generally speaking I believe in the concept of free will," she responded.

"So that's why you broke into my place a couple of weeks back?"

"That was a little different, don't you think?"

He said nothing but indicated she should sit down.

"So?" he asked, sitting opposite and deliberately keeping her at arm's length.

"Aren't you going to offer me a coffee or something?"

Sam wasn't sure she was bothered about having a drink but she did need to settle her nerves. Thinking about talking to him and actually carrying it through were two entirely different things. Now she was face to face with him, her anxiety had doubled and her brain suddenly seemed to have packed its bags, given up its occupancy and moved elsewhere; possibly on vacation to the Caribbean where it was sunning itself right now. Sam was kind of wishing she could go with it and played for just a small amount of time to allow her to focus.

"Will beer do?" Jack asked way more politely than she'd imagined.

"Sure. Thanks," she replied, offering a faint smile. Jack fetched one beer each and then sat down and looked at her expectantly.

"Okay, let's get this over with and then you can leave and let me get on with my life."

Sam knew he would make this hard for her and hoped she could find the strength to stand up to his obstinate and forbidding reaction. When she had broken into his house, once he'd got over the shock, he had behaved close to normal towards her. Now this. She guessed he reacted differently because this was an entirely different kind of meeting, with an altogether different purpose.

"Oh Jack, why do you have to make it so hard?"

"I should make it easy?"

"I guess I don't deserve you to."

Jack didn't respond, hiding behind the beer he was sipping and continuing to look at her. She was so beautiful. He wanted to...no, he could not allow that to happen. He couldn't open his heart again; it was still too raw, even after all these months. Tearing his gaze away, he sought to avoid her eyes in case she ensnared him, knowing it could easily happen if he let himself slip up by even a small fraction.

"I've done a lot of growing up in these last few months," she started. "I know I hurt you far too much, Jack. I never wanted that, but I couldn't do that growing up with you in my life. I needed to do it alone, evolve without you."

She paused to let that sink in, trying to search his face but finding it impenetrable. If only she could look into his eyes. If she could see… but he clearly was in no mood to allow that intimacy. Sam guessed she couldn't blame him for that.

"It was like going out with my CO," she declared, hoping that blunt and to the point might work for him. It elicited a response.

"I was your CO."

"I always felt that between us Jack. I was still taking your orders. I never wanted a relationship like that with you."

"Neither did I Sam. I didn't know that's what it was like for you."

The notion was disturbing, and upset him. He had never wanted it to be like that - never! Did she believe he did? Did she think he wanted to dominate her? It was never something he had even considered as a possible reason for their break-up. She had needed a relationship of equals and he had failed her.

"How could you not know? You were there," she said.

"Maybe I saw what I wanted to see."

"That figures."

"What does that mean?"

"I didn't mean anything by it. J-just… we all see what we want to see, and hear what we want to hear. So it figures, is all."

He wondered if he was being paranoid, picking over every word to look for the trap within. There had to be one, didn't there?

"I never meant to dominate or control you Sam. If that's what I did, then I'm sorry…" He sounded so reasonable that it was almost scary. This wasn't what she had expected and she wished he would loose his cool because she could deal with that. At least anger would make him penetrable. At the moment she had no idea if anything was getting through or what he was thinking.

"No, that's not it! I had to find out who I was, Jack, "she continued, "I had to define myself without you before I could think of myself with you. See how easy it is for me to call you Jack now? Maybe I've learned to see beyond the CO, subordinate thing. If you knew…" she stumbled over her words, which she realised were entirely inadequate, "if you knew how much of an influence you have been on my life, how much I depended on you, what I learned from you, how much I always respected and admired you, and loved you."

Jack started at those surprising words in disbelief. Love? What was she trying to pull here? He remained silent, allowing her to continue while he collected his thoughts.

"I needed to see who I was without you watching over me, telling what to do, supporting me. I needed to see beyond a dream to the reality. You were a fantasy Jack. I couldn't see beyond the fantasy, " she continued without pause, "Oh god, I wish I could explain all of this better."

"And what do you see now?" he asked trying to grasp the meaning of her words. He still hadn't recovered from her appearance, let alone allowed her words to sink in properly.

"I see… what I always saw: a good and decent man who doesn't recognise how good and decent he really is; a heroic and brave man, who would never describe himself as one; an honorable man who stands by his principals and his friends, no matter what - sometimes, even when they don't deserve his support because they treated him badly; a man who sticks to his promises. I see lots of things. Breaking up with you was never really about you, it was about me. I've come to realise you never were the fantasy that I feared you might be, Jack, and neither was the possibility of an us. You really are that man I thought you were. A man I am still in love with, after all these years, after everything. Always."

Although her words were moving, Jack was not convinced. He'd suffered from too much pain and Sam had almost put the nail in his coffin. She'd all but destroyed him and whatever faith he had left. He could still function as a General, was still good at his job, but as a person? A man of flesh and blood with feelings? He wasn't sure about that anymore.

"Nice speech," he said with some sarcasm and Sam shuddered at his iciness but pressed on regardless because there was nothing else she could do. She'd made a promise to herself, and to Jon O'Neill, and it was important that she keep her word.

"You think I would be here if I didn't mean it. Why would I do that?" she countered.

"Good point. Why are you here?"

He was expressionless and unforgiving and it made Sam wince. She had set herself a task that might be impossible to achieve, but it was so important to her that she achieve it.

"So I can explain, so I can tell you how I feel, how I felt. So I can restore some of your faith."

He looked at her sharply. Faith? Did she know how little of that, and hope, he had left?

"Yeah, faith seems to be a little lacking in my life right now," his tone was bitter.

"You used to have faith in me."

"Used to."

Those words cut into Sam's gut, but what had she expected? Jack felt betrayed and he didn't take betrayal lightly. She remembered Colonel Cromwell and how singularly unforgiving Jack had been towards someone he had once considered a friend. Now she thought about it, she realised how lucky she'd been that he'd allowed himself to become her friend when she so desperately needed him. It could so easily have been different.

That gave her some hope because she knew that Jack still cared deeply for her, that he probably still loved her. She wanted to believe that the latter was true as, if it were, how could he refuse her? Was he so stubborn that he would deny those feelings so he could deny her? Unfortunately she knew that the answer was yes, or at least maybe.

"I never wanted to destroy that faith."

"What did you think would happen after you screwed me over, Sam? I waited a long time, too long, and you found Pete, and then… it was all for nothing."

"No, please don't say that. I hurt you, yes, but you wouldn't let me even try to explain why I was doing it. You didn't want to listen, Jack. Although I have to admit, I didn't fully understand it myself at the time, so maybe I could never have explained it properly back then. I hope I can now."

Jack didn't comment, merely looked at her over his bottle. She could see he'd finished his beer. The bottle was part of his mask; he could hide behind it. She continued to push him, unable to do anything else.

"I wish I'd known what you were really thinking when we went out back then, how you were really feeling…" Jack said nothing so she carried on, "if I'd known, maybe things could have been different. You seemed so cocky, so confident and I… I was terrified: nervous and gauche. Frightened I was boring, frightened I couldn't live up to whatever expectations you had.

"You were an experienced, mature man, a real man. I'd never been out with one of those before. Me? I was just a kid by comparison, inexperienced, immature, as far as love and relationships were concerned at any rate. Don't be fooled by my relationship with Pete; that was never real, never truly grown up. I didn't think I could make the grade, Jack. Maybe if I'd known you were just as terrified as me under that mask you wear, maybe things could have been different."

Jack was shocked by her outburst. Is that how Sam saw herself? It was a total surprise. How did she know that he'd been terrified too? She hadn't known then, but knew now? How had she seen that? He needed to consider her words. If that was how she'd felt about him then it had been destined to fail. At the time he had only recently stopped being her CO and she couldn't overcome that in her mind. He knew that was also true for him. That coupled with this revelation about her fear… she never felt she was good enough for him? That was truly stunning.

"How do you know what I was feeling Sam? If you didn't back then, how do you now? Did you talk to Jon about this?" he asked more evenly than he felt.

"Yes, I talked to Jon. Are you angry?"

"I don't know. I need another beer. Want one?" she shook her head and he saw that she had barely touched hers.

Out in the kitchen he ruminated for a while and by the time he returned he was ready to respond. Without sitting down again, he let rip and Sam was almost relieved. Any feeling was better than none, even anger.

"Yes I was damned terrified, Sam. What would you expect after all those years? You think I didn't believe you had expectations too? You think I didn't have doubts that I could live up to them? And I didn't, did I? If I had we wouldn't be having this discussion now. You say things could have been different if I'd revealed some of that? Dammit, Sam, now you're turning it around to be all my fault. I'm me. I can't help who I am. I've learned to live with it, but you couldn't!"

Sam quailed under his steely and angry gaze, but plucked up courage for her response.

"I-I didn't mean to make it seem to be your fault, Jack. That wasn't why I said any of that. Please don't think that. I just want you to understand. Do you think you're a failure because you failed with me? Are you pissed because I could go out with Pete for months, but couldn't hack it with you for more than a few dates? Well you're not the failure here, Jack, I am! Do you really think I would have started a relationship with you if I had ever thought it would turn out that way? I would never have let that happen. I would never have wanted to deliberately hurt you. Never!

"No, Jack, I was after the dream. The love, the peace, the happiness, the lifelong commitment. I wanted it all with you like I never truly did with anyone else. I wanted your arms around me, to wake up with you next to me each morning, to make passionate love to you. I so wanted to be with you."

Jack stood in stunned silence so she continued to press home the advantage.

"Do you remember when I turned up at your place and Kerry Johnson was there? I came there to tell you that, kind of. Maybe I wouldn't have used those words or revealed so much but, in essence, that's why I came. Pete had put down a deposit on a house; he was talking about getting a dog. It suddenly struck me that he was settling with me and how settled he wanted me to be with him. I knew then that I didn't want to settle, not with him. If it had been you … or that's what I started thinking."

She felt slightly embarrassed by that confession. In Sam's eyes, what had happened with Pete was evidence of her immaturity. She had hurt two men because she was unable to cope with reality, and she continued unable to cope with it for way too long, tearing apart her friendship with Jack O'Neill and perhaps any chance at an adult and meaningful relationship with him.

"But when we finally made it on a few dates," she continued, "I knew I was wrong to want that. I wasn't ready for it, even with you. I realised I needed to find myself, that I couldn't define myself through this man I had known and worked with and loved for so many years. I needed to find the real Sam Carter. I deserved to know who she was, and so did you. Back then I probably could never have said all of this to you, but now that I've found out more about what sort of person I really am, I can. So it was important to me that I find out, Jack, don't you see? I guess I was hoping it might be important to you too."

After that she was silent, hardly able to remember her own words and praying that they made sense and meant something to Jack; that she hadn't simply sounded foolish. Jack stared at her silently, heart rate sky high, unsure how to react.

"So help me out here, Sam," he said eventually, reverting to the even tone that belied his conflicted feelings, "what exactly are you trying to say to me? What do you want from me?"

"I want you to give us another chance."

He gawked at her open mouthed and speechless. Another chance? He wasn't sure that would be possible. Sam saw that thought in his eyes and some of her hope died. She didn't know what to do now except throw herself on his mercy and beg, and that would be even more humiliating than what she had done and said already. Her stomach churned as she waited for a verbal response, wishing she might find some hope in that.

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

Title: Learning to Live With It Part 15

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: su freundficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, Romance

Content Level: Age 13+. There is an Adult Only version of this fic on my site at the address above.

Content Warnings: Minor use of mild language and sexual situations

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: General S9 spoilers

Summary: Jack struggles with Sam's confession and his conflicted emotions

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Learning to Live With It Part 14

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2006 Su Freund

Art Credit: The simply gorgeous photo manipulation of Jack that illustrates this fic on my site was created by grooni, so many thanks to her for letting me use it to illustrate this fic. The manipulation was made into the book cover by Fulinn28 who did a wonderful job of it and didn't want to spoil it by adding any words. You can drool over it on my site at the address above.

Author's Note: Many thanks to Bonnie for beta reading this fic and her very helpful suggestions on ways to improve it. This part is dedicated to her for encouraging me to expand on the shower scene I wrote originally and write the small scene that now appears in the adult only version of this story.

**Previously:**

"So help me out here, Sam," he said eventually, in an even tone that belied his conflicted feelings, "what exactly are you trying to say to me? What do you want from me?"

"I want you to give us another chance, Jack."

He stared at her open mouthed and speechless. Another chance? He wasn't sure that would ever be possible. Sam saw that thought in his eyes and some of her hope died. She didn't know what to do now except throw herself on his mercy and beg. Her stomach churned as she waited for a verbal response, wishing she might find some hope it that.

**Learning to Live With It Part 15**

"What? Are you nuts? I can't let you in. Not anymore. I don't think I'm capable," Jack eventually replied, his mind a tumultuous mess of thoughts and feelings. He started to pace, not even looking at Sam, who summoned what little strength she had left to continue her fight, remembering Jon's advice to keep at it.

"You always were so good at building defences Jack. I really hoped I could find a chink in there somewhere. I so much wanted… wanted to try."

"It's funny, but I always figured you for being good at building defences too," he replied, glancing at her briefly.

"We were both too good at it."

"And now?"

"I'm willing to let them down. I want to let them down, Jack, with you. God, isn't that what I've been doing? Don't look at me like that!" He'd stopped pacing and was staring at her, his expression cold and disdainful, and she wondered how much of a front it was. "Do you think it's easy for me to come here and tell you all this? I have my pride too, you know. I just figured you were worth setting that aside for.

"I needed you to know how I feel. I needed you to know that I left you not because of you, or something you did wrong, but because of me, or mainly because of me. I felt like a child with you and I needed to feel like a grown up. I wasn't grown up enough to have a relationship with a man like you. All I'm saying is that, now, maybe I am and I wish you'd give me the chance to prove it."

"A man like me? What the hell are you talking about Sam? I'm just a man, plain and simple, flesh and blood with feelings." He had turned his gaze away and was on the move again, unceasing movement, and Sam was finding it frustrating, as she wanted to see his eyes, the expression on his face.

"You might like to think that Jack but it simply isn't true. Yes you are flesh and blood with feelings, but plain and simple you most definitely are not. Why are you such a difficult man to get through to? What more can I do? How much more of myself do I have to expose to you Jack? Do I have to beg and plead? Do I have to humble myself before you more than I have already?"

As she spoke Sam stood up to block his pacing, needing to make him look at her, and he did. Jack found himself captured by her eyes, feeling somewhat helpless to resist that thrall and unhappy about the fact.

"Dammit, Jack, I love you so very much," she declared. "I wish you could believe that one simple truth. I'm not sure how much fight I've got left in me." She sighed, scrubbing a hand through her hair in frustration, "Answer me this one thing… can you honestly look me in the eye and say you don't love me?"

He didn't respond but his lack of response answered her question; the look in his eyes said it all for him.

"No, I didn't think so," she continued, "I suspected you did from the moment you took me into your arms when you discovered I was still alive. Jack, if I broke you, at least give me the chance to try and fix you. I was always pretty good at fixing things, although maybe not so much with people. Yeah… maybe not…"

She sighed, tailing off and thinking about that. What if she couldn't fix him? What if he was too broken to mend? She was good with things, inanimate objects, but people? Suddenly she felt a little daunted with the prospect. Not that it looked like Jack was going to give her that chance, but she didn't want to make things worse. He didn't deserve for that to happen.

"Maybe you're right, maybe you are better off without me in your life," she said.

"I never said that, although these last few weeks haven't been easy for me," Jack confessed, taking Sam by surprise. "But when I thought you were dead and would never be in my life again, I felt that loss… that was real hard. That doesn't mean that I can deal with you being in my life in the way you're suggesting. I'm not sure I'm ready for that and I'm not sure I want it either."

Not want it? In desperation, Sam reached out to softly stroke his cheek but he recoiled.

"Don't do that, please. It isn't fair."

"Why do I have to play fair Jack? You aren't going to get rid of my that easily."

"You need to give me time to think."

She wondered whether she was breaking him down, convincing him. Could he be convinced? Could he open himself up to her?

"Sometimes you can be so cold, so difficult to deal with and communicate with," she said.

"Cold?"

"You could freeze boiling water in seconds."

"Nice imagery," he said with an acidic tone.

"You freeze people out Jack: me, Daniel, Teal'c; you always have. I know you want to protect yourself but it hurts us. You aren't an easy man to be friends with, so how to get beyond friends to something more than that? That's a secret I'd pay a lot of money for."

Jack said nothing, merely looking at her with a carefully schooled blankness.

"I guess if you could never trust me again, this whole idea is pointless anyway," she said, willing to try anything so deciding on a different tack. She had to carry on because she believed she was making progress.

"Trust you? Sam I would trust you with my life…"

"But not your heart, huh?"

"If I'm totally honest, I don't know the answer to that."

"Is that a chink I see? Half an hour ago I suspect you would have given a different answer."

"Maybe. You've confused the hell out of me. You always were good at that."

"Are you confused because you never realised how I felt before now? When you thought I was cold and heartless it made things simpler for you? Believe me, I wish I'd been capable of having this conversation with you months ago, but I wasn't. I never wanted to hurt you. I know I did, and if I could have done things differently I would have, but it's too late for that now. It's not the way things happened. All I can do now is look forward, not back. How about you?"

She was right, it had made things simpler when he had believed things were different to this reality she painted. Jack had always respected Sam highly and had lost some of that when they broke up so badly, but now she had risen in his estimation again. He admired her for being so honest and open and wished he could be like that.

"I don't know, Sam. I told you, I need time to think," he declared and she could see the confusion in his face, and was thinking that maybe it was better than the deliberate chilliness she'd detected earlier.

"I guess I should feel lucky that you haven't already thrown me out on my ear without even listening."

"I owe you that. We were friends for a lot of years."

"Were friends?" Sam felt a lump in her throat and could no longer look at him, scared of what she might see, so she lowered her gaze to the floor. The pair stood frozen, like a tableau. "I hope we're still friends," she whispered, upset by the notion that she might lose that altogether after recent events had seemed to bring them closer together again.

"It isn't that easy."

"I couldn't bear to lose you as a friend. How can I live with that?" she asked, looking up at him, and Jack saw tears prick at her eyes and her effort to maintain self-control.

"I lost too much when I let you go, Jack, way too much. I never realised quite how much. I've been so stupid. I always was dumb for such a smart ass." A couple of wayward tears strayed down her cheeks as she tried to keep herself in check. "I should leave you alone and give you that time to think. You've seen me cry too much already recently."

Her sobbing increased and Jack couldn't stop himself from reaching out to her. He had never been able to bear to see her in pain. She let him enfold her in his arms, although his sympathy only made her feel worse.

"I can't let you leave in this state. What sort man would that make me?"

He hugged her in silence, and she also said nothing, simply drew strength from his embrace as she had done on the few occasions in the past when he had been there for her in this way. When Jack realised she'd stopped sobbing, he pulled away, and she felt empty.

"I'm sorry," she said sitting down again, and Jack followed her example, perching uncomfortably on the edge of a chair, watching her warily.

"For what in particular?"

"Screwing with your life."

He said nothing in response and Sam wasn't sure if she was getting through to him or not. Although he had held her in comfort, he had withdrawn pretty quickly too. His eyes seemed to be boring into the depths of her soul and it was a discomfiting feeling. She had to keep trying, just like Jon had told her to, and her heart backed that up. She felt she was way closer to breaking him down than when she'd arrived, so now wasn't the time to give up.

"You know something Jack?" she said, changing tactics again, "You are one of the most fascinating and sexiest men I have ever met in my whole life. It always thrilled and exhilarated me but also terrified me."

Jack looked dumbfounded by that declaration and she continued, remembering a small incident from her past with him. The soft smile that appeared on her face at the memory entranced him, as did her words.

"This is such a dumb story, but screw it, what have I got to lose? I remember one time walking through the briefing room to your office and I stopped to watch through the glass. You were licking an envelope and, my god was it hot! And I mean really hot! My stomach quivered, my knees turned to jello and I started having lewd thoughts about you. If I close my eyes and picture it. God, it's still hot. Licking a damned envelope! How could that be so-so…? Folks would think I was crazy, I guess." She tailed off, starting to feel foolish and wishing she hadn't related that memory to him.

"You are crazy," he snorted, more than a little surprised by her story. Fascinating? Sexy? It wasn't how Jack pictured himself. Was this really how Sam saw him? He so needed someone, her, to think that about him; to believe in him, love and cherish him and keep him safe and warm in his heart and soul. He was so empty: barren and desolate.

How could he reject something that could change all of that? He didn't know how, but knew that he needed to. Unable to comprehend her words, or his feelings about them, he needed time to think and take control of his feelings. At the moment he was too confused and shaken to think straight.

"No. It isn't crazy. It's just that you find it hard to believe it about yourself, Jack, just as I could never understand what you saw in me."

Jack stared at her open mouthed, momentarily too taken aback to respond.

"What I saw in you? Sam, you are the brightest, the most beautiful… Crap!"

He could feel himself falling again, beguiled by her, lulled into letting his guard down. He was finding it almost impossible to keep his hands off her. A simple touch, it didn't have to be anything much, not even a kiss, it could be brushing her arm, her cheek, running his hands through her hair, or squeezing her hand. It could be any one of a number of small things. Just to feel her warmth and bask in that luxury. Emotions were overwhelming him and he didn't like it. He wanted to be in control. He had to be. It was all he had left.

He was so engrossed in those thoughts that when she moved closer and touched him, as if she read his mind, something akin to an electric shock coursed through his body and he gasped, and then gave a small strangled cry before pulling himself together.

"Don't, please!" he begged, unable to look her in the eye.

Sam sighed, withdrawing her touch and cursing herself for trying again too soon. He had already given her more than she could have wished for, especially considering this was Jack O'Neill she was dealing with, yet she was eager for more.

"I-I guess I hoped we were getting somewhere," she said, and if he had looked at her he would have seen an overwhelming look of sadness and loss on her face.

Jack, however, wouldn't look because it might be his undoing, one way or another. He wanted to scream, swear and throw things at her; he could have slapped her, but he had never raised a finger to Sam, or any woman, in anger, and he fought with himself to control it because he never wanted to. He wasn't that man and did not want to become him.

At the same time he wanted to take her in his arms, hold, caress and kiss her and, dammit, make love to her. More than that, he wanted her to do all of those things to him. His thoughts and feelings were tearing him apart and he so did not want to lose it. To distract himself, he got up again and walked over to the other side of the room, needing to get away from her, overpowering emotions flooding through him.

Sam thought about what Jon had said about not giving up, about showing how she felt. She had seen the conflict written so clearly in Jack's face, and recalled Jon had told her to use that conflict to her advantage, so she did.

She got up, walking over to Jack, taking him into her arms, lifting her face to his, touching his cheek, and kissing him. Jack wanted to stop her, wanted to kiss her, stop her, kiss her. The kiss won. Warm tender lips pressed against his and her tongue sought entrance to his mouth. She explored his teeth, gums, tongue.

The feel of her made him tremble, heating his groin, setting his heart racing and stomach flipping, all combining to make him dizzy. He grasped the back of her head, holding her hair, his other hand pressed against her back, pulling her as close as possible. His tongue fought back, explored back, giving as good as it received.

When they stopped he was breathless, wanting more, wanting to push her away, wanting to seduce her, wanting to open the door and toss her out. She was going to drive him crazy and he didn't know what to do.

"Did you feel that here, Jack?" she asked, indicating her heart and stomach.

"Yes," he admitted, his voice a low whisper.

He still felt it. It was almost overwhelming and he had to fight himself for control. That kiss had held so much more than the few kisses they had exchanged while dating. It promised passion and love, which were two things he sorely needed in his life.

He was still holding her, hair between his fingers, arm around her back. He was horny, so horny. God, he wanted, he needed, he desired: sexual arousal, desperation, tension, frustration, lust. He wanted to take her right there: rip off her clothing piece by piece, caress her, devour her, assault her, screw her so hard that it hurt them both, until they couldn't walk and they were incapable of doing anything more to each other.

Sam was studying his eyes, unmoving, not daring to, unsure of what he would do and not wanting to stop him from doing whatever those darkening orbs implied. She sensed the danger and was silently begging him to do his worst: take her, break her, do what he wished with her; use her, abuse her, teach her a lesson, have his revenge.

She could smell his desire and it smelled good. His breath was hard and heavy and filled with lust. She wanted him so much in that moment that she could almost taste it, and she believed she would get him so, when he loosed his grip and backed off, her sense of loss ripped at her heart and soul, tearing them asunder.

"You really want to let all of that go?" she asked, her voice cracked with emotion

"No, I don't, but…" he shrugged helplessly, more confused than ever. "I want you to leave Sam. Please go, before I do something we'll both regret."

"Jack…!"

"No! No more words. I've had it up to here with words. Believe me, you do not want to be here if I lose control." Again, the dangerous undercurrent, the threat.

"I want you to lose control."

"No, you don't," he warned, his eyes ablaze with something she didn't recognise in him, "Please go."

Sam turned away and picked up her stuff, opening her purse, scrawling something on a piece of paper and handing it to him, and then she left without another word. After she'd gone, Jack leaned his head against the wall, trying to bring himself under control. Looking at the piece of paper she'd squeezed into his hand, he realised it was her hotel, and room number. She'd written, "If you change your mind, I'll be here for the weekend. Please change your mind Jack. Love Sam."

He scrunched it into a ball and threw it as far away as he could and then, striding angrily to the kitchen, he removed a couple of plates from the cupboard and smashed them on the floor. Knowing it probably wouldn't make him feel any better even if he tore the whole kitchen apart, he changed into sweats and sneakers, leaving the apartment for a run.

He ran, and ran some more, and then ran even more, running himself to exhaustion. After resting a while, he started the run back home, pounding the pavement, legs heavy, knowing he had overextended himself and when he finally reached home he was almost done for, but stripped off and got into the shower. Hot, hot water, scrubbing every inch, feeling himself, arousing himself, and satisfying himself, all the time thinking of Sam.

Gasping with a strange mixture of satisfaction and frustration that this was merely a fantasy, Jack moaned and slipped down the wall, placing his head in his hands, cursing himself as a fool and letting the water stream over his despair. Jack wished it could truly cleanse him, but he was way too soiled to feel wholly clean. If he was a man given to crying, he might have done that now but instead, he attempted to pull himself together, trying not to think about anything at all except crawling out of the shower and drying off.

Of course Jack couldn't stop thinking, over and over, thoughts jumbled and dark, and he threw himself onto his bed in frustration, sitting curled up and hugging his knees in contemplation. However much he tried, he couldn't get her out of his mind. He could smell her, feel her: lips on his, hands on his body, driving him wild with desire.

She was touching him just there, kissing him right here, licking him somewhere else. She was on top of him, riding him, beating him, forcing him to surrender. The bed was soaked with his sweat and he got up to pace. It seemed he couldn't sufficiently wear himself out. What did a man need to do, for crying out loud? How much of this could he take?

Somewhere in the recesses of his mind he remembered her hotel name, her room number, and so nearly got dressed to drive over there, beat down her door and take her; make her his. He wanted, he so wanted… but in the end, he denied himself. He denied his love and his lust; he denied everything, eventually getting back into bed and falling into a tormented and fitful sleep.

TBC


	16. Chapter 16

Title: Learning to Live With It Part 16

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: su freundficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, Romance

Content Level: Age 13+ There is an Adult Only version of this story on my site at the address above

Content Warnings: Minor use of mild language and sexual situations

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: General S9 spoilers

Summary: Despite being wholly unprepared for the consequences, after a restless and tormented night, Jack is driven to see Sam

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Learning to Live With It Part 15

Status: Completed Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2006 Su Freund

Art Credit: The wonderful photo manipulation of Jack and Sam that is used to illustrate this part on my site was created by Jodie Marie and thanks to her for giving me permission to use it, many moons ago. This seemed a suitable fic to use it for. The manipulation was made into a book cover by Fulinn28 and thanks to her for making such a wonderful job of it. You can see it on my site at the address above

Author's Note: 1. Many thanks to Bonnie who has beta read all the parts of this story and, like the reader, has waited a long time for its conclusion. Her insightful suggestions and comments have helped me to make this a better story and how can I not be grateful for that? Of course, any remaining mistakes are entirely my own.

2. Thanks also to all of you who have faithfully followed this story and encouraged me with kind words of feedback, as well as helpfully making suggestions of your own. This final part of the story is dedicated to all of you. I hope I have provided the explanations and resolution you have sought.

3. The story is also dedicated to grooni, particularly the adult version, for various reasons including the Richard Dean Anderson Simpson's episode and her apparently insatiable need for long, hot sex scenes!

**Previously:**

Of course Jack couldn't stop thinking, over and over, thoughts jumbled and dark, and he threw himself onto his bed in frustration, sitting curled up and hugging his knees in contemplation. However much he tried, he couldn't get her out of his mind. He could smell her, feel her: lips on his, hands on his body, driving him wild with desire.

She was touching him just there, kissing him right here, licking him somewhere else. She was on top of him, riding him, beating him, forcing him to surrender. The bed was soaked with his sweat and he got up to pace. It seemed he couldn't sufficiently wear himself out. What did a man need to do, for crying out loud? How much of this could he take?

Somewhere in the recesses of his mind he remembered her hotel name, her room number, and so nearly got dressed to drive over there, beat down her door and take her; make her his. He wanted, he so wanted… but in the end, he denied himself. He denied his love and his lust; he denied everything, eventually getting back into bed and falling into a tormented and fitful sleep.

**Learning to Live With It Part 16**

Jack had given a lot of thought to what Sam had said. He'd tossed and turned, hardly sleeping, unable to stop her words from whirling around in his head. Now he sat drinking coffee and thinking about it all over again.

If all that Sam had said was true, maybe there could be a future for them after all. She might have hurt him in the past but he did not believe that she was lying to him now. What possible reasons could she have for doing that? Could he allow himself to surrender to her, to deny his pain and the bitterness he still felt about their parting?

He was weakened by her onslaught and wasn't sure he cared for a weak Jack O'Neill. Then he questioned whether it was weak to feel all those conflicting emotions about a woman he loved. By denying her he was denying himself and that was probably stupid, making him an uncompromising and obstinate fool. He had tried so hard not to give her an inch and had ended up by giving her a mile.

Now he didn't know whether to regret it or live with it and move on; move on by accepting her into his heart, even if only a little, until he was ready to open up some more. A little? Jack knew he was probably kidding himself. After the previous night, if he once let himself go, he wasn't sure he was capable of merely a little. He would be lost forever; he would give her everything.

Questioning whether that was a bad thing when Sam said she loved him, Jack knew what he must do. He had to see her. He couldn't let her go, not again, not without... something more. He'd spent months despairing over her, trying to shut his feelings away, and now he was letting an opportunity slip by, and one that he had yearned for deep down, but never thought he would have. So dumb!

Without any thought of calling her, what he would say or do, or how far he was really prepared to go, he drove to her hotel hoping she would be there. Now he'd made up his mind he had to see her, she had to be there. He strode though the lobby, calling the elevator to take him to her floor. By the time he reached her room his heart was beating rapidly and he was losing his courage to act.

'God, Jack, do something good for yourself, for once. Give yourself a break,' he told himself, taking a few deep breaths before he knocked.

"Hello? Who's there?" her voice called from within and Jack muttered something incomprehensible in response. She was there! His heart didn't know whether to soar with joy or wither in fear.

"Jack?" she opened the door an expression of shock on her face.

Sam had to believe that his arrival was a good thing, that it meant he had changed his mind: no more thinking, no more talking. She stood looking at him in stunned silence for a while and then gestured him in.

"I-I didn't expect… you," she stammered. 'Please be a good thing, please,' she was saying to herself.

"I had to come, Sam. I couldn't simply let you go."

She realised that he was still wary, despite that he'd surrendered so much by coming to her. He made no move to touch her, and she restrained the feelings that prompted her to want to touch him.

"I'm glad. I don't want you to let go, Jack, not ever."

Jack looked pale and gaunt, obviously having suffered a sleepless night, just as Sam had. She longed for him to pull her into a hug and thought he would until he moved further into the room, avoiding her eyes.

"Can I sit?" he asked, eyeing the cosy looking armchair.

"Sure. Do you want me to order coffee or something? Have you eaten? Do you want breakfast?"

"Coffee would be good."

She ordered, perching on the edge of the bed and waiting for him to speak, figuring that after last night maybe it was his turn.

"I thought a lot about what you said. Actually I guess I was awake for pretty much the whole night."

"Me too," she agreed.

"Last night I wanted to hit you, shake you, hurt you, force myself on you. I didn't like that person very much Sam. I think I might have been slightly crazy for a while there." Sam snorted a slightly bitter laugh in response and, from her next words, Jack realised that she was laughing at herself, not him.

"I was so desperate to make you feel, want, accept… I probably would have done, accepted, almost anything. Sounds kind of stupid because I'm not… but maybe I would have deserved… something, for hurting you so badly."

He regarded her with shock and surprise, trying to fathom what lay in her eyes and expression.

"No! You don't deserve… that. I never want to hurt you, that's why I had to send you away."

"I know."

"You know?"

"You think I don't know how dangerous you could be?"

"Probably better than anyone else. That kind of puzzles me."

"It does? You think that isn't part of what I love about you?"

Once again he was taken by surprise. Rising from his chair he walked over to her hotel window, staring out into the street. Sam rose from the bed and joined him, grasping him around the waist from behind and sliding her hands over his chest, burying her head into his back. He turned in her arms and her fingers slid up to his face, which she took in her hands, pulling his lips towards hers for a kiss.

Her fingers coaxed his mouth open and she inserted her tongue. Jack's resulting groan inside her mouth made her shiver and her kiss was filled with such burning passion that it made him dizzy with desire, just as her kiss had the previous night.

One of her hands left his face to roam down his back and Jack shuddered in response. It had been a long time since anyone had touched him like that, as if they cared, as if they wanted to make love to him.

"Sam, what are you doing?" he asked when they prized themselves apart.

"I want us to make love Jack. We never have and it's time we did."

"Oh, god! No, Sam! I…" he pulled away from her, unable to make that leap yet.

"You came here for a reason, didn't you…? "

"I came here because I couldn't stop myself. I didn't know what else to do. I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know what I want."

Sam's heart sunk, but she tried to hide her disappointment. "You said you'd thought about what I said to you," she said as evenly as possible, her heart beating rapidly, her mind in turmoil, and uncertain what to say or how to act.

"As if I could avoid it."

"So you came to a conclusion? That's why you're here, isn't it? I thought… I guess I should have realised it would never be that easy." Jack's initial response was a snorted, bitter laugh.

"I'm finding it hard to let you in, Sam, that isn't easy, but I know it isn't easy letting you go either. I can't. So I guess I'm out of options."

"You never did like being out of those, did you?"

The knock on the door interrupted them and Sam cursed quietly; room service with the coffee. The pair drank in silence, Jack sitting in the chair again and trying to avoid her eyes, although she caught him looking at her more than once. The fact that Jack had come to her hotel told her a lot, but he was obviously still confused, and ill prepared. Jon had told her to keep pushing, so she did.

"All I'm asking is a chance to prove myself to you," she said eventually.

"I know. I'm here aren't I? What does that tell you?"

"That I made some progress. I'm much further forward than I was yesterday."

"Is that all?"

"I don't know, Jack. I'm scared to analyse it too much."

"So am I."

"Jack O'Neill was never scared of anything."

"Bullshit!" He met her eyes at last, boring into her as if he might read her mind. Sam was disconcerted but refused to pull her eyes away from that dark intensity. "A lot of things scare me. This scares me, for crying out loud!" Sam exhaled a laugh, trying to goad him into opening up to her.

"Little old Sam Carter scares the big bad wolf?"

"Very funny, Sam. You shouldn't mock the afflicted."

"Dammit, Jack, talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking."

Jack sighed, scrubbing his hands through his hair and got up to pace. Sam watched, irritated by his continued avoidance.

"If you can't let me go and you're out of options, what are you going to do about it? Pace around my hotel room for the rest of the day?" She got up and grabbed him, forcing him to face her, and he stilled, but continued to avoid her gaze again.

"If you aren't ready, if you never will be, then tell me now," she pleaded, "Please don't play with me."

"Play with you?"

"If this is all intended as some sort of revenge…"

"No, Sam, not that. Don't think… I'm just… confused, shaken up. There's a lot to take in and think about."

"And you accuse me of over thinking things."

"I'm not…" he started and then chuckled, "Yeah, right."

Then he met her eyes and she saw something in them that lifted her heart: yearning, love, a willingness to submit, if only a little.

Tentatively he reached to smooth her cheek, and she pulled him into her arms. He had to admit that it felt great, although part of him said he had been defeated and that little corner of him was still pissed off, while the rest of him was exhilarated by her. The pissed off part nagged at him and he tried to ignore it. Time to act with his gut, not his brain.

Nonetheless, Jack just couldn't bring himself to surrender totally, so he surrendered only to the longing and lust, not to his heart and soul. Mindful of what she had said about making love he started to strip her, frantic to be sated. If she was surprised by his sudden turn around she didn't show it, but became a more than willing participant in their fumbling desperation.

Jack made short work of discarding her clothing, followed by his own, and he barely even glanced at her nakedness before coaxing her onto the bed. It was as if he were loosing his pent up frustration and rage and, just as she had been the night before, Sam was willing to let him do that if it would lead to something more between them; something she longed for more than anything. In fact, her actions were as desperate as his.

There wasn't much foreplay leading up to their brief, clumsy and frantically aggressive act of lovemaking. In fact, you would be hard pushed to call it love making – more like pure sex - and they were scarcely cognisant of what they were doing, nevertheless their immediate physical needs were fulfilled although the needs of their hearts and minds remained frustrated and unsatisfied.

Jack rolled away from her with almost unseemly haste, staring at a non-existent spot on the ceiling and considering their sexual act. It was nothing like he'd wanted their first time to be, lacking the emotion of tenderness and love that he longed for. He'd been out in the cold for too long and it seemed he was still there. Their union had been soulless and hollow, fuelled by wanton lust, not love.

Sam was silent, also pondering what had just happened between them and disappointed there had been nothing more. She didn't want it to be like that. If it was, they would fail again and that was unacceptable.

"Sorry," Jack said in a voice so low she nearly missed it.

"Sorry?"

"Th-that wasn't… it wasn't… crap!"

She turned onto her side to face him but he didn't look at her, eyes still fixed to the ceiling.

"Wasn't what either of us really wanted? Is that what you are trying to say?"

"I don't know what you wanted, Sam."

"You had the power to make it whatever you wanted. It didn't need to just be about sex; you chose to make it that way. I hope it made you feel better, Jack. Maybe now we can get on with the rest of our lives."

"Yeah, it made me feel better. Much better." His voice held a slightly bitter and sarcastic tone. He felt guilty about his slightly savage molestation and was on the defensive. "You didn't seem to mind it. In fact you enjoyed it."

Sam could have reacted in a number of ways to his gruff roughness, but she chose to be patient, tentatively placing her hand on his chest, and caressing his skin with her thumb.

"I-if we want… more than this, you have to stop fighting it Jack. You have to let go of the past and surrender."

"I don't know if I can do that."

"Do you want to try?"

He chewed his bottom lip as if dubious about how to answer and, turning his head to look at her, placed a hand over hers.

"Yes," he whispered, a simple response but it spoke volumes.

Sam moved closer, bending to kiss him gently on the chest, moving her hand to his face and tracing round his high cheek bones, eyebrows and nose with her fingertip. The gesture held such tenderness that it made his heart skip wildly.

Her lips pressed gently to his, fingers moving down his neck and shoulder, along his arm and stopping to stroke the back of his hand, which she took between her thumb and forefinger, lifting it to her lips and kissing it in a number of places before she rested it on her neck. All the while she kept his eyes captured in her gaze and what he saw in them, and felt in her touch, was something he imagined was called love.

He mentally questioned whether he could trust that emotion; trust his own eyes, his own feelings and what he felt from Sam. She was right; if they wanted a relationship, wanted to make something work between them, he had to let go and open himself to that possibility. He had to stop being afraid. Before their sexual union he'd told her he was out of options but realised that, until this moment, there had still been options; now there were none.

He couldn't run away from this anymore, couldn't hide from it or fight it. Jack wasn't sure he wanted to do any of those things anymore. He wanted Sam - her love, her body, her soul - and he wanted to give her his.

"I surrender," he whispered, moving even closer to her and pulling her into a tender embrace. The hard, rough sexual act had helped to drive away his long held and bitter resentment towards her. He knew himself well enough to realise that, had this happened between them the previous night, his abuse of her would have been way worse. There may not have been any way for them to come back from that, but now there was.

Sam curled a leg over his and they held each other in silence for a while until Jack kissed her, and the kiss was powerful, but affectionate, all the brutality gone. It told her he spoke the truth about surrendering. Holding him close, simply wanting to be there with him in her arms, and her in his, meant so much more than their earlier sexual union and she knew that the next time would be entirely different. Jack would give himself to her, and it would be like what she wanted and dreamed.

"Did you get into very much trouble when you came back here?" she asked, wishing to inject some familiarity into this moment. Sam realised that they were both emotionally drained and work seemed to be a relatively safe topic. Her fingers softly caressed his arm while she waited for a response.

"Nothing I couldn't handle. I'm still here aren't I?" he said, immediately realising that it was an insufficient explanation. Sam would press so he might as well tell her. "I got a lot of crap and there seemed to be as many different views about what they should do with me as there were people involved. Some were for me, some against me. Some of those who were against me wanted to take a tough line." When he paused momentarily, Sam pressed, just as he thought she would.

"So what happened?"

"Believe it or not, my lucky, charmed Irish butt was probably saved by the President. He weighed in on my side. Some folks around here seem to think that I'm still key personnel, for now, and he's one of them, bless him. No accounting for taste, I guess. Must need a brain transplant or something," he joked and Sam chuckled, thinking the comment was so typically self-effacing. Despite support from the highest possible level, Jack still didn't believe he was irreplaceable.

"I think the President's intervention probably ruffled a few military feathers," he continued, "but I'm safe for the moment. I'm guessing that some people are watching close and hoping I'll make another slip. Let 'em. I can only do what I can do, and as well as I possibly can. It feels good to have the President's confidence. He seems to believe that the person in my job needs to think outside the box so I'm it. That, along with my experience, makes me the only one fit to do the job, apparently. I kinda like that." He grinned shyly.

"That's great, Jack. I wanted to call but… I lost the nerve, I suppose. The only way I could talk to you was by making it face to face. We knew that you hadn't been retired or relieved of your command, of course, or not yet, and we wondered what had happened. I'm so relieved everything's all right."

"If you count a security breach at Area 51, and all the implications of queen snakes, and Ba'al and his shadowy little network right here on Earth as okay, sure, everything's fine."

"Maybe that wasn't such a great subject for me to pick."

Jack noticed her troubled expression and kissed her hair, trying to reassure her. "It's alright, Sam."

"It was a stupid thing to ask right now. I know how the whole Ba'al thing must make you feel."

"One of these days we'll grab his pretentious, snaky butt. I just hope it's one day soon. Man, would I like to kick that glorified ass of his all around the SGC."

"Down every corridor and up and down every stair?" she said trying to lighten the tone on an issue she really regretted bringing up in the first place. How could she have been so stupid? Obligingly, Jack chuckled.

"I like the visual," he said, grinning. "I so hate that guy."

"You have good reason to."

"Yes, I do. At least we got Connelly and the rest and shut down that nauseating operation. We're still working on trying to find out more about Ba'al's network."

"We'll get there Jack."

"We always do, eventually. So, for the longer term I'm confident."

"Me too."

"As am I," Jack joked in a low-pitched voice, a reasonable impersonation of Teal'c, and Sam giggled. Trust Jack to make a joke out of the whole mess of a situation. It was so like him. He used humor to cover so many things, particularly when they troubled him deeply.

She smiled, pecking his cheek and stroking his neck, and then giving him a gentle squeeze. Once more they remained silent for a long while, simply holding each other. Jack had to admit to himself that she made him feel way better, about everything. He just hoped that they could make this thing work, but if they didn't it wouldn't be for want of trying.

"I hope you can learn to trust me again," Sam said, breaking their silence.

Trust? At this moment it almost seemed irrelevant to Jack because he knew he was helplessly bound to her forever. Nevertheless, he hoped he could too because he wanted this to work and without trust it never would. Sam had said that if she'd broken him she wanted to fix him and it suddenly seemed to Jack that she had that power; together they had that power. He would be alright, they would be alright, and everything would work itself out.

"Give me time and I will, Sam."

"Time for me to prove that I'm trustworthy? I'm lucky that you trust me enough to get this far. I know how you feel about betrayal."

"Betrayal? I think I've got a fair idea of what you were going through before Sam. Not sure I fully understand it, but I kinda get the point. I guess you had good reasons. And you're right; I never would have listened even if you'd been able to explain it. It hurt too much and I'm way too pig-headed for my own good. But it was never really a question of betrayal was it?"

"I hope you mean that."

"Why would I say it if I didn't? The fact that I'm here proves it, doesn't it?"

"Jack I know we can't build something good on bad foundations and I don't want to end up hurting you again."

"Maybe the foundations aren't so bad. All those years we worked together count for something, right? We couldn't just wipe out everything we built up for so long within the space of a few weeks. What happened recently proved that. I mean the friendship, trust, respect and admiration, Sam, not anything to do with being your CO, and you being my Second in Command. There's been more to us than just that for years. What happened before, that was just bad timing. I think maybe we're both more ready for it now. This is something good, or it's something good for me."

"It's something good for me too," Sam replied, kissing his hair and smoothing his face with her fingers, "Even when I walked away I was breaking my own heart. The last few months… I dated a few times because I was asked and flattered that I was, but I was never that enthusiastic about it. You were always there, in my heart, and I couldn't break away, couldn't let go, however much I tried."

"Didn't stop you from screwing Ed James, did it?" Jack said in a flash of anger.

"My god Jack, you really are angry with me about him, aren't you?"

He let out a huge sigh and looked into her eyes, his emotions still seesawing in a way that he had hoped he'd got under control. This situation wasn't straightforward and Jack wasn't a man who surrendered easily. It went against his nature, for better or worse.

"I guess so. We never even got to first base, for crying out loud, and we barely even touched that."

"If you stay angry then this is never going to work."

"Jeez, you really are the grown up, aren't you?"

"Jack, you mean much more to me than a million Eds. I-I guess I was hurting too and needed something in my life. I longed to be wanted and sexy and attractive, and yearned for the contact, comfort, and warmth. But in the end it was sex and that's all, and we were dating for Christ's sake. I don't make a habit of leaping into bed with the nearest man, and you know it. I never loved him but, at the time, I needed him… or someone."

Jack remained silent, cursing inwardly at his ridiculous outburst. He knew he was being childish. When he failed to respond, Sam gently stroked his arm and was relieved that he didn't flinch away. Instead, Jack covered her hand with his and squeezed.

"I'm sorry," he said, "What you did after we split up isn't any of my business, Sam, I know that. It's illogical but nothing about my feelings is logical. I guess it will take a while."

"I suppose it will." She snorted a small laugh and added, "If only you knew how much I longed for it to be you. It was always you Jack, or for a long, long time it was you. When I was with Pete, when I was with Ed, I still loved you."

"With Pete?"

"I believed I was in love with him because he loved me and I wanted to believe it. But then it got close to the wedding and-and I knew it was wrong. It was part of why I broke it off, although that wasn't all of it."

"Poor bastard. And yet despite that we never worked out."

"That was my failure."

"No, our failure."

"Oh, Jack, I so don't want us to fail again."

"Me either."

"Ironic, isn't it?" Sam said, kissing Jack softly on the cheek, "I owe Ed and Connelly a debt of gratitude. I don't know if I would ever have plucked up the courage to try making amends if it hadn't been for needing your help. I thought about it, often, but imagined exactly what your reaction would be, and I was right. I wasn't sure I would have the nerve to keep at it, to break you down for long enough to listen to me, and hear what I was saying, and understand.

"But then you treated me like a friend and were there for me like you'd always promised, and that gave me hope," she smiled, "And Jon and I talked about it a little. He's so like you in many ways, unlike you too, but he gave me some insight and encouragement. I realised that I could break through to you if only I could find the right words, the right way to show you how I really felt. That gave me my chance and I was damned if I was going to miss it."

"There's something a little disturbing about the idea of you and Jon talking about me. That whole Jon thing was a little weird, wasn't it? It's pretty strange to face a younger version of yourself."

"It was weird for me too, but imagine what it was like for him. I wish there was something we could do for him."

"Maybe there is. I'll think about it," he said pondering that for a while and then returning to their original subject while he smoothed her skin almost absentmindedly. "Look, I'm still not sure I fully understand what you've told me, Sam, but I'm trying, and I'm listening. If you didn't care about me you would never have shown up at my place last night. That took a lot of guts when you must have known how I'd react. But after what you said I'd have to be a fool to let this chance pass me by.

"I might be a stubborn, dumb assed Irishman but I'm not a fool. I so nearly was, but lying awake at night sometimes lets you put things into perspective and, after about the 100th time of having thought it, I finally admitted to myself how stupid I was being. Even when I came here I didn't really know what I was doing, just that I would be an idiot not to. Now? I want to try to make this work, I really do. And this time I don't mind admitting that I'm scared. It scares the hell out of me."

Surprised but elated by his willingness to be more open with her, Sam smiled, tenderly stroking his arm with her fingertips, and kissing the tip of his nose.

"I'm scared too. I don't want to screw this up again. My success rate with relationships isn't that great."

"Then maybe we need to promise each other we'll work at it, at getting it right."

"I don't know about you, Jack, but I get the feeling that we're starting to get it right already."

"Me too."

"I'm so happy that you want to take the chance. I know it's a risk, but all relationships have some risks."

"Risk? In one way or another I've been a risk taker for most of my life and then I find myself unable to risk my heart? What kind of life is that? It isn't one. This flash of O'Neill brilliance struck me at somewhere around 5 am, but even then I was unwilling to give myself to that feeling without reservations. But I don't want to end up a bitter, lonely old man. I still want a shot at life. And I'm not the only one taking a chance here. If you have that courage then so do I."

He softly caressed her back, a small grin on his face, and Sam kissed his forehead, and then his lips. She merely touched her lips to his at first and then pecked gently round his mouth while her thumb stroked his cheek. As the kiss developed, their tongues clashed in a magical dance, and suddenly Jack's mouth wasn't the only part of him that was responding. Sam's hand slowly wandered down his chest to his groin and, as the kiss stopped, he looked into her eyes.

"You want more sex?" he asked breathily.

"Not just sex, Jack."

A brief nod signalled his acquiescence and this time their lovemaking lived up to the word. Jack was just the opposite of what he had been like earlier: gentle, loving, and considerate. Sam responded in kind, encouraged by his actions.

He knelt up on the bed, urging her to do the same, and they faced each other, eyeball to eyeball. Jack wanted to focus on Sam, slowly exploring and getting to know her. When before he had merely glimpsed, this time Jack took long moments to gaze at her nakedness, the hunger and delight in that look making Sam shiver with anticipation.

"Like what you see?" she asked.

"Damned right!" he said with a smirk, lifting his fingers to her face, brushing her hair off her forehead, and smoothing them over her features. Bending forward, he kissed her, gently exploring the recess of her mouth and, pulling back, slid his hand along her jaw and neck down to her shoulder, and onwards to her chest and breasts. This was as far from frantic fumbling as he could get and his feather like touch made Sam tremble.

Reaching up to his head, she ran her fingers through his short grey hair, willing to let him discover each contour of her body as unhurriedly and tenderly as he desired. While he caressed her, Jack held her eyes captured in his own, hypnotic and seductive. Sam felt she could fall right into those mesmerising dark globes, unable, and unwilling, to break the spell that held her captive.

Jack cupped a breast, squeezing gently, and his other hand wandered over her midriff and belly, marvelling at the smooth softness of her skin. Then he moved closer, still kneeling upright, and delicately kissed and nipped at her face, neck and shoulders, while his dexterous fingers roamed gradually over her back, along her spine, down to her buttocks and along her outer thighs.

"You're dazzling, Sam," he whispered in her ear, "Totally beautiful. Going too slow?" he asked.

"No, Jack. It feels wonderful. Makes me feel special."

"You are special."

After their slow and tender lovemaking, Jack wondered if it really was the best sex he'd ever had, or whether his love for Sam was what made it seem so perfect. It didn't really matter, because the outcome was the same. Sam pulled him to her, kissing his brow, face and hair, and then wrapping her arms around him happily and stroking his back with tender adoration and, as he lay beside her, he took her into his arms to return that warmth of affection.

Neither of them commented on the ferocity of emotion borne from their lovemaking, or the physical peace and wonder that their bodies shared as a result of it. They both knew that it had been wonderful for each of them and didn't need words to confirm it.

"God, I'm whipped!" he declared, tenderly stroking her skin with his fingertips.

"Me too. Want to go to sleep?"

"Here with you?"

"Why not? Can't think of a better place to sleep than in your arms. No more talking, not for now, let's just catch up on all that sleep that neither of us have been getting lately."

"I like that plan."

They held each other lovingly and, before long, their breathing slowed and their minds and bodies relaxed together.

"I love you, Jack O'Neill, never forget that," she whispered before finally allowing herself to slumber and, although Jack said nothing, he gave her a gentle squeeze, so she knew he had heard.

Love? Although it seemed she knew how he felt about her, he wasn't prepared to speak those words yet, but he was pretty sure that one day he would be; one day, and maybe soon.

The End


End file.
